Random rant / update

 I finally completed my PT sessions yesterday! 🎉🎊🥳 Took almost 6mths to finish 20 sessions; a bit too long but   I had a bit of traveling and a lot of procrastination to blame.. hahaha.. did the PT result in weight loss? Not really. Less than 1kg nia.. lol.. did the PT result in me being fitter? Definitely. I can do my squats and exercises much better compared to 6mths ago. Would I continue another round? Probably not.. coz as much as I see the physical benefits of the sessions, it gave me so much emotional baggage that I either end up emo baking the night before or crazy eat the next day or both. 🤣🤣🤣 but I’ve tried and I should give myself a pat for that. 

Has been so busy this whole week that I didn’t have time to be emo baking. But the date is coming. Flying off on Sunday. Finally packed most of my stuff into the luggages. Uncle pig did most of the work. I was the sulking kid who wanted to put more clothes in but there really isn’t much space.

I’m trying my best to do well emotionally, but some days are especially hard. 

My favourite therapist would often ask us the following questions whenever we have our fears / anxieties.

1. What is the worst that might happen?
2. What is the best that could happen?
3. Given yr wisdom and logical mind, what do u think is the most reasonable outcome out of it?

1. The worst that could happen is I end up snapping at my mom for everything that she does, and complaining to uncle pig while on the trip. The 3d2n alone time in Paris with her is causing me a lot of anxieties as well. Would I end up killing her or perhaps by the first few days, I just wanna be alone and away from her.

2. The best that could happen is both of us enjoy this trip entirely; a solid mother daughter bonding time, where I appreciate her for who and what she has done and vice versa. 

3. Honestly I don’t know. I do hope that traveling w a bunch of fun colleagues mean that it’s not just me and my mom 24/7. I want to honor her, for the sacrifices she’s made for us, the things she’s done so that we could have a better life. I probably should rem this and look at it whenever I feel like snapping. 

Still waiting for my client to arrive. She’s late and it’s pouring outside.Let’s look forward to seeing the beautiful sights in Iceland and happy shopping in Paris. Hopefully I don’t get too lost in Paris and may God protect us on this trip. Journey mercies ❤️

“But you, dear friends, by building yourselves up in your most holy faith and praying in the Holy Spirit, keep yourselves in God’s love as you wait for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ to bring you to eternal life.”

‭‭Jude‬ ‭1‬:‭20‬-‭21‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Emo blues

I’m so exhuasted from winter shopping. Went shopping for a pair of waterproof pants for Iceland. And either the pants are tight or not flattering. 

Was just ranting to my BFFs abt it. Then one of them went to dig out her winter clothes and bringing over this weekend just so that I could borrow if the size fits . So grateful for friends like them. 

Had a cake and some coffee but the calories were totally not worth it. Should have just gotten llao llao.. hahaha

Traveling anxiety

I’m officially in the emo + sleepless state. Started to have flashbacks of eventful crying many yrs ago, when I cried uncontrollably on the way to pick my parents to the airport. I was bringing them on a holiday but without the kids or uncle pig. I cried so hard that my eyes were still swollen when we reached. The twins were less than 2yrs old and grace was still latching to sleep that time. After that incident, it got much easier and I had clearly forgotten how hard it is to leave a baby at home. 

Fast forward and now I’m bringing my mom to Iceland in less than 2 weeks. This time without the baby boy. I know he is in good hands with uncle pig and the girls helping around. But the mums guilt is intense. The anxiety was killing me alive. I know the trip would b nice for my mom, coz it’s our first trip since Covid closed all incentive trips. She’s been looking forward to it. And I know that I should bring her around while she is still healthy and mobile. But post retirement, she has turned to be rather critical of me especially, and I’m not even sure if I can handle her for the entire 9days. I’m hoping the colleagues would provide some form of distraction and I’ll bring a book along to distract myself from her criticisms. 

Work is still pretty quiet but I’m at peace. I know that He is in control. 

Praying that I’ll be able to spend quality time with her on this trip, and maybe share the gospel with her too. Praying for journey mercies and that I’ll be able to sleep well on the trip. 

“I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭40‬:‭1‬-‭2‬ ‭NIV‬‬

https://bible.com/bible/111/psa.40.1-2.NIV

My precious me time

Enjoying my alone time while William took the young kids to 拜年 with his cousins. I am contemplating going to my moms place earlier but that would b at the expense of the precious moment now.. hahaha.. 

I defused an explosion of my own a while ago. Was feeling irked and feelings of unfairness brewing when William said he wanna bao $xxx to his cousins kids. It’s certainly not something I would do la, and as much as he feels that he’s close to his cousins, I feel that the feeling isn’t mutual la.. so yes, I have every right to qn why etc; but instead of going that route, I decided to just do it for him. It’s only once a year and I should honour the man who doesn’t expect me to attend his side of gatherings while insisting to always appear for mine (I gave him free will too!) . 

I’m happy that I choose to let go, and not b miserable and ruin everyone’s mood. I’m glad that I’m in control of my moods; coz I know the emo me could easily have gone either way. 

This is my resolution for the last few years. To b in better control of my mental, to live happily and to expect less. 

Thankful 

Easily triggered

Today the person is me. Could feel myself snapping at William since the morning. I don’t like change ; nor uncertainty nor the way his side of the family do certain things. It’s my own perceptions, I know. If I think bad, it’s bad. If I think the good of it, it’s good. Anyway not a saint today. 

The reunion lunch timing was shifted from 12 to 2pm two days before. 2pm is late lunch, and it means we need to eat breakfast then a light lunch then go over for the main lunch. 

William could spot my triggers today quite early in the game (thankfully); and has suggested me to stay in my room while the kids and mil is outside waiting for time to pass. So yes, the personal space is good. It is helping me recover from my explosive mode to neutral mode. 

We had yday leftovers as our light lunch and it helped comfort me too..

Reminder to self: the man visits my whole extended family every week and host them regularly. I only need to appear on a few big occasions for his side. So pls, buck me, Lena ! Late lunch also means it’s a shorter socialising gathering coz we need to leave by 4pm latest. 

Thankfulness

 

Waiting for my prospect to arrive. I’m an hr early. Coz I buffered too much time to say goodbye to the little baby. But as I told him “mama is going to work”, he nod his head and rush to the door. I told him that he’s going to help me press the lift before going home. He nod again. (Though I was still doubting how much he actually comprehend). I open the door for him, he ran out, pressed the lift and went back into the house and wave goodbye to me. 

I certainly didn’t expect the cheerful farewell. After all, his sisters are had their loud and dramatic way of saying goodbyes. To be honest, I was shocked and a little sad. But I guess this is good for all of us. This is day 2 of saying our goodbyes properly instead of hiding/ distracting him while I plan my escape route. 

Thankful for this little boy in our lives. He has helped me see more aspects of Vera than before. She is different and nothing like her two sisters. And I need to collect the bullets on her good days so that I can use them when the next explosion arises. 

Thankful that we are very much alive and healthy; thankful for family. Thankful that I have work today. Looking forward to cny.

“I love you, Lord, my strength. The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.”

‭‭

“I love you, Lord, my strength. The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭18‬:‭1‬-‭2‬ ‭NIV‬‬

https://bible.com/bible/111/psa.18.1-2.NIV

P/S: the prospect asked if I enjoyed my job, and I think I gave her too much honesty for a first appt. At this juncture, I don’t hate my job, but I’m not loving it passionately like when I first started. I probably should have asked her back, coz then it would put things in perspective. A lot of times, I think we put too much feelings / emotions into our work compared to salaried workers. 

Entering 2023

The last day of 2022 ended with a massive meltdown from Vera, like a volcano eruption that hasn’t happened for a long while. As much as I tried, it completely consumed both of us. Joash saw the whole episode and it left him in tears during it and throughout the whole night. 

I felt defeated. 

Defeated that I fell short in so many ways. That I lacked the wisdom and patience to dissect the bomb. I felt incompetent, that I wasn’t spending the last few days doing fun and memorable things with my kids. My social media feeds are flooded with mummies bringing their kids to here or there; showing how capable they are. But here I am, soaked with tears and wishing Thanos would snap me away. 

I wished God would take me away. I wished food could provide some comfort but it didn’t. Logged off my social media and archived some of the group chats coz it was just too much for me.

I know this too shall pass. And I’m a lot more than this. But at this juncture, it’s just HARD. Hard to remember that everyone is different. That for the areas that I aren’t good at, I should look at the areas I am. That I should love myself more and give myself more credit.