I've always tried to blog more on happy events than on depressing ones, coz I've always feel like if I were to pass , I would want to be remembered as one that is always joyful despite all circumstances. But the Easter weekend was extremely difficult for me. Depression has hit me and hit me hard it has. D has made a comeback. I've always struggled with it, and my job doesn't make it easier as the job deals with rejection/ disappointments/ expectations/ waiting.
As I recall one of the more jialat incidents, it was when I had joy. The struggles of being a first time parent, problems of breastfeeding and the effects of post natal made me crumple. I wanted to die then. I wanted to jump or hurt myself coz the pains from depression was so hard that I wonder if hurting myself physically would divert/ transfer my pain.
Fast forward a few yrs and I rem the struggles of infertility made me slipped into D again. I rem crying when I see pregnant women, or hearing some person I know who is preg. I rem being devastated when it rained, it felt as though God cried together with me in my struggles. I rem asking God to bring me Home coz living was painful. And still I survived. I rem walking out of it first even before I embarked on my IVF journey. I rem entrusting all to the Lord and by doing so, I fared better dealing with injections than with hormone pills during my infertile journey.
Depression has made a come-back again and on the Easter weekend. I don't know if it's been breeding for a long time it was it the long weekend or the hormones. But it consumed me on Sunday, on unsuspecting me, when I didn't seem to be facing any major issues / struggles in life, but juz trying to get on with my routine normal life. It has decided to visit an old friend. I had planned and wanted to do many activities with the kids since it was the long weekend. We did many activities , but things didn't go smoothly. In fact it seems like all the things that could go wrong, went wrong that weekend. They were quarrelling , whining and there were many episodes. I was snapping at the girls now and then, and acting like a mad mama on the street. It got so much that by the nth time, I told them to kill each other if they couldn't live with each other. I was tired of it all. I was tired of them not appreciating the efforts made to bring them out, the things they hv in life, tired of always falling short of what they want as a mama. By the time they sleep on Sunday night, I had completely lost it. I was crying v hard at not being a gd mom, @ not giving them enough time and patience; @ not filling their schedule with more fun filling actives before sch reopens.
I cried hard. I wanted to die. Again. I thought maybe it would b better for the kids to have a new mama. I wanted to end it. I told mr choo that he could remarry if I die; or he could live a rich man's life with the insurance monies. He didn't over react. He took it calmly. He was there reassuring me. It was as if God placed him there, to make sure I didn't do anything foolish. He was with me as I cried buckets n buckets, me not knowing why.
I told him I wasn't happy with juz letting the kids go thru childhood on a routine, we should do more things for them and with them and not juz leave it to the sch. I wanted them to learn baking with the dad, or picnic or character building; and not juz routine parenting ie, making them eat ; bathe and sleep parenting. I rem when I grow up even though my parents were poor and we live simply, my mom made sure that we had the right values growing up. Suddenly the expectations of being a parent hit me and I had problems dealing with it.
Mr choo agreed and we now embark on agreed new phrase of parenting. We brought the kids to cycle and picnic yday. Everything went well and I also taught the girls a lesson on appreciating the things we have in life vs complaining on the things we don't have. Also had a heart to heart talk with joy , who had become increasingly less tolerant of her twin sisters. Yes, the girl who prayed and prayed for a younger sibling is telling me she's regretting it every now and then. I told her that if I only have xx no. Of hours everyday and if she wants it solely hers, I will quit my job, sell the 2 houses, sell the car and we can move to a rented hdb. I told her that I have limited resources and if she really needs me full time in her growing yrs, I'm prepared to give up all these earthly possessions for all. I think it hit her, it hit me as well. And yes, I'm prepared to quit my work and live life simply. But this means that all of them have to be prepared for some sacrifices as well. I was glad that I got it off my chest, honestly. I was tried of working so hard and feeling so guilty of not spending time with the girls. I was tired of being in the rat race , always earning not enough to pay the bills. And yes, I'm prepared to live simply. If this means teaching the girls the value of money and enjoying life's simple pleasures. Yes we can do this. Joy teared. I don't know if it was because of the thought of no holidays or public transport everywhere or maybe having mama 24/7 caused it. But I hope she understand.
I'm tired of tahaning it all. I shall face my weaknesses as they come. Be it work,emo, spiritual. I will have the faith that God is with us and He will carry me in my fight with D. And in all circumstances, I will give thanks.
I will die one day, but not today.
