lena is feeling emo and sad..

Yes, I'm going on another trip again.. and alone without the village.. The days that lead to the final D - day were erectic and cranky .. somehow uncle pig could fill the vibes and all he did was being tolerant and tolerant.. 

I'm truly blessed to have him .. He really made the best of me, and if he didn't , he will cover my flaws such tt no one will know.. aw...

I'm going to Cape Town with my colleagues , bringing along my parents as well.. had wanted to encash the tickets if not for the fact that my parents were extremely keen in South Africa .. and I thought since they were still fit and healthy and if it's within my means, shld bring them travel whenever I can .. 

Having said tt , I still cried.. and cried hard did I when I made grace zzz tonight.. she was being extremely sweet today when she kept pointing to my eyes and say "eyes" and saying "high 5" with her raised palm.. miraculously all 3 girls zz before 9 pm and uncle pig was able to send me to the airport.. and here I am composing this post while making my way there..

Dear God, I pray that You protect this household while I'm not ard. . I pray that You grant me a good trip there with my parents too.. and thay the girls be obedient and cooperative while I'm not around.. God I'm thankful for all the blessings you have given me and I pray that You protect me thru this trip.. its been more then 10 yrs since I flew to somewhere so far away fr uncle pig for so long.. The last was NL.. and that was before knowing you God.. In Jesus name I pray, amen! 

Precious Sundays

Lazing in the car coz Vera is asleep and we are supposed to be attending a baby shower of his relatives. . 
I took the excuse to be the "car attendant " coz I was simply tired of socialising his relatives for the entire month of cny. They have reached my threshold for the year and any excuse to avoid is greatly appreciated. 
Our relatives gatherings are kinda different. I only see most of my relatives on cny/funerals/weddings while for him,  before I came into his world, his relatives parties/gatherings can average abt twice a mth! Yes, u can say they are quite closely knitted. But not really actually. . Which is the part tt I don't understand. . Why do people hang out together simply bcoz they are distantly related? For me, my weekends are v precious and shld strictly be spend on people worth spending on. No time (strictly) shld be spend on socialising with people that aren't impt at all..

Yes I'm emotional. .yes I'm pissed.. its true when they say when u marry him, u marry the entire kampung!  So yes, this is just a ranting post.. and much as I don't like, I hv to tolerate tt the way Cantonese greet their granny and mama sounds the same..it gets confusing and I'm jus pissed..
Argh. . Shall stop for now else I don't think I can breathe. . 

P/s: just change my hp recently and wanna test if it's easier to blog via this too..

Happy birthday to me..

-- Drafted on 3rd jul 2013--

@ 32, I guess there's a lot of things to be grateful for.. My 3 princesses.. Yes , despite the nightmares and the till-date-yet-to-zz-through for the twins, yes .. They are my blessings to which I'm grateful for. In fact, caring for them have been easier now that the twins r bigger.. OR maybe becoz we hv grown so used to it that it didn't seem that difficult anymore. I recently have two gfs who gave birth to their #2s... And they were saying how lack of time it has been... And I can totally agree to that.. How suddenly after being so used to having one, with 3 kids, our hands are always full.. Haha.. But looking back now, its not too bad leh.. Lol..
Maybe coz we have grown accustomed to it.. Maybe coz Joy is much older, or maybe becoz she's accustomed to "shared love" or bcoz uncle pig is a full time dad.. Mayb coz we managed to have a helper sent by God.. Haha.. To which I'm so thankful for.. The kids; uncle pig and my helper.. They make the equation balance so that I can juz concentrate on the only thing I do best - work.



The flowers greeted me on the eve of my bday .. It's the 3rd bouquet in 3 mths .. Yes.. Uncle pig has been quite "on" in sending flowers this year and I don't know y.. Lol.. In fact after receiving it in jun, I told him NOT to do it for jul bcoz @32, what I really hope for is not flowers or presents .. But juz someone to bring me to the clinic whenever I'm sick.. Really.. That was and still is what I feel impt to me now.. Sound unappreciative but yes, what I need , the assurance that we will take care of each other in good times and bad times , till we c each other in Heaven again..

Having witnessed several deaths in my work and currently helping to do a few major claims for my clients, what I truly hope for, is that he will fetch me for my chemotherapy /dialysis/ hospital treatments when that day is here.. We don't know when who will leave.. That's why we need to treasure each other more while we are still ard.. And thus, the need to treat each living day as a God sent present.. And to treasure each other as though its the last day..

Sounding quite morbid .. And nagging.. @ 11pm, I'm counting down to the last hr of my "special day".. Everyone has zz... And I know that when I wake up Tom, its back to normalcy.. But to the kids and uncle pig, I'm special to them everyday .. And they to me too.. And that's what love is about .. At least to me..

Missing Charlene

-- Drafted on 9th jun 2013--
As time passes, I always think how are Alicia & Dez are coping? How is it like? I am worried abt them but I didn't have the courage to ask, for fear that it would juz remind them again. What I do now is to keep myself updated abt their news via their blog.. And each time I read their postings, each time I'm so encouraged by them , their faith in God and how difficult it muz have been, coming to terms with everything yet deeply missing the one we so adore ..

Lord I juz wanna pray that You heal them, be with them, in these difficult times .. I pray that their friends and relatives would be sensitive to their comments coz often than not, its words and not swords that hurt most. Lord, I pray for comfort and peace in their house, I pray that much as we understand that things are in ur master plan, I pray that we can have good news to be happy abt. I pray that You will be with this household , in Jesus name I pray, amen

Back posts

Looking back at my blog only did I realize that I haven't been blogging for the past 6 mths! Ya that's so long! I did actually pen a few entries here and there but they were mostly half entries.. So I shall take this time to " consolidate" them..

-- drafted on 11th may 2013 --

Simple pleasures

" sometimes the simple pleasures in life are more fun and meaningful than all the parties in the world"

It does sound pretty exaggerating but I'm kinda proud of myself.. (Give myself a pat) of being able to make the two cranky bb zz w/0 bringing them out on a pram ride. :)

Their usual routine would b to have their naps while uncle pig or my mil would bring them out in their pram. I thought I would need to since I hv never tried making both zz at the same time for their afternoon naps; at least not for a loooong time .

This happiness was simple, pure bliss..

-- Drafted on 27th May 2013--

Bye Pump..

Yes, I've decided to stop pumping.. After 1 year, 1 mth and 2 days.. Haha.. Time to stop.. It's a relief actually , to decide that its time finally .. Grace has been treating me as a human pacifier and she juz wanna latch on when she's sleeping and thus I can't zz well.. It's probably time to train her to wean off as well, and start zz on her own bed.

Praying that all will b smooth

-- Drafted on 29th may 2013--

One month break

It's the end of may and also the end of my one month break. How time flies.. Haha.. It's refreshing when there's a break, juz to spend some time with the kids. I didn't stop work entirely but I basically came home usually by 5pm, so that I could spend some time w the twins and also joy when she comes back fr school.

It's scary to think that I'm gonna start working again next week.. I don't know how I can cope.. It's juz like returning to work right after maternity leave! But I need to, for the sake of everyone.. It's nice to spend the afternoons with William juz doing grocery shopping or pedicures or simply nothing .. But I need the job.. And I love my job too! So yes, I'm coming back. A bit scared but excited . Gonna start preparing for work to start proper.

God, help me make all things fall in place, help me listen to You,. Guide me and let me know your directions .. In Jesus name I pray, Amen!

The day before HK

The day before HK
- in abt 12 hrs time I will be on the flight to HK with joy.. Been feeling so excited the entire day. But a check with the view cam 10 mins ago, and I saw Grace sitting alone in the living room. Though this moment only lasted last then 5 mins before auntie walked out from the kitchen, my heart sank.

The black and white picture of Grace sitting in my living room, encrypted deeply into my brain. What kind of mom am I , to leave behind my less than 2 yr old babies for a 5 days break? I felt sick. But I can't possibly cancel the trip now and break the heart of my 6 yr old. She has been counting down everyday . 进退两难。

I'm starting to miss the rest of my village. Will I even enjoy my trip? Why did I plan it anyway? Was it more for me or Joy? That qn alone made me even worse.

It was an impulse buy because of the air ticket promo. It was also becoz William thought it was good to give some "me" time for joy and for me too. And I missed my frens in HK , having cancelled my last trip at the eleventh hr. Right now, I Juz hope he give me a surprise and fly there go meet me at Disneyland ! Yes! ( though I know fully that with the twins ard, it's hard to achieve any of the reasons I listed above)

God, in all situations, You said to draw close to u. Lord, I pray that You protect us during the trip; that I will travel in peace. Lord, I believe this happens for a reason, and I want to believe that it's for the good of everyone in my village. Lord, I pray that You help William while I'm away; that the twins will be obedient; and Lord, You protect their health . Lord, I want to pray that with me being away, Grace will be weaned off the breast as well; that she will be able to sleep back to her bed, Lord, I pray that You protect each and everyone of us. Lord, I also pray that during the trip, I will be patient to Joy, that we will be able to spend quality time together . Lord, I pray that I will be able to understand the thoughts of my 6 yr old, that I will be able to continue to hold her closely to me, that she will not grow distance from us with the twins ard. Lord, I pray that you let her understand that we are her family, that she has this village to share her joy and sorrows with. Lord, I pray all these in ur mighty name, amen!

Waiting

Waiting

Through my line of work , I've had clients who became my friends after a while .. And right now I juz wanna pray for this couple and their child, charlene. At birth, Charlene is borned with a rare brain disorder n thus began the route of beating the odds ahead of them. I went to reread their blog again from Day 01. And indeed God has been gracious and God is good. Charlene has battled so many milestones that we normal people might have taken for granted , but each milestone is a battle worth fighting for and we rejoice at each milestone. 

Time flies and Charlene is coming to 4 yrs old. (A miracle on its own.) And right now, from my understanding, Charlene is fighting for the battle to survive . Yes , she is sick, very sick and the doctors have said Tt her lungs and heart have lost its functions and its only a matter of time ...

As a Christian , I know this is not the end and we shld rejoice as the child will see The Lord soon. But as a mother, my heart goes out to the family. It's not easy to let go. It's not easy to simply decide not to let the doctors intervene anymore and carry the child in yr hands when the next time her heart stops.  Even for me, a stranger who only sees them once or twice a year , is finding it hard to accept. I feel so hopeless when there's nothing much I could do to help. 

Lord, there's nothing I can do but I juz wanna pray for this family . I pray that the parents will be comforted, they will have peace in their hearts. Lord, I want to believe that everything happens for a reason and is part of ur plan. And though we do not understd y certain things happen, we want to believe that it is for the best of our interests. U r our Father in Heaven, and what U says we have to obey. Lord, I pray also, that U remove Charlene's sufferings. As an infant, she's been through more trials than her peers . Right now, God, I pray that You remove the sufferings. God, I pray that You carry the parents in walking through this valley. It has been a difficult and long journey and this period is the toughest . I pray that You comfort this family, in Jesus name I pray, Amen.