Happy Mother’s Day!

Happy Mother’s Day to (me and) all the 伟大的妈妈! It’s so challenging to be a mama these days. A mama these days means wearing many hats - to be able to parent the children, work like one has no kids, be able to cook, do art and craft , provide tuition for the kids, and be put to scrutiny on social media for non impt people to judge and criticize! Anyway I’m on a social media fast for now (not sure how long it will last, but will enjoy this moment for now) as part of the “protecting myself” movement. Hahahaha.. I think it’s part of strengthening my own mental health and trying to protect my subconsciousness and time. Coz I know how much time is wasted scrolling through socials endlessly. 

Anyway today is not about that. It’s about being grateful for every single day of my life. I’m thankful for God who spoke to me in a vision 4yrs ago that He would give me a son. I didn’t believe it at that moment, although His voice was clear. I got pregnant shortly after and Joash was borne the following year. No one thought that we would have more kids, coz infertility has haunted us for yrs. And it’s  only possible becoz of God. He chose to bless us with this little boy who sometimes drive us crazy to the point that I had to remind myself that Joash is a gift from God. 

The Birth of Samuel

There was a certain man from Ramathaim, a Zuphite from the hill country of Ephraim, whose name was Elkanah son of Jeroham, the son of Elihu, the son of Tohu, the son of Zuph, an Ephraimite. He had two wives; one was called Hannah and the other Peninnah. Peninnah had children, but Hannah had none.

Year after year this man went up from his town to worship and sacrifice to the Lord Almighty at Shiloh, where Hophni and Phinehas, the two sons of Eli, were priests of the Lord. 

Whenever the day came for Elkanah to sacrifice, he would give portions of the meat to his wife Peninnah and to all her sons and daughters. But to Hannah he gave a double portion because he loved her, and the Lord had closed her womb. Because the Lord had closed Hannah’s womb, her rival kept provoking her in order to irritate her. This went on year after year. 

Whenever Hannah went up to the house of the Lord, her rival provoked her till she wept and would not eat. Her husband Elkanah would say to her, “Hannah, why are you weeping? Why don’t you eat? Why are you downhearted? Don’t I mean more to you than ten sons?” 

Once when they had finished eating and drinking in Shiloh, Hannah stood up. Now Eli the priest was sitting on his chair by the doorpost of the Lord’s house. In her deep anguish Hannah prayed to the Lord, weeping bitterly. And she made a vow, saying, “Lord Almighty, if you will only look on your servant’s misery and remember me, and not forget your servant but give her a son, then I will give him to the Lord for all the days of his life, and no razor will ever be used on his head.” 

As she kept on praying to the Lord, Eli observed her mouth. Hannah was praying in her heart, and her lips were moving but her voice was not heard. Eli thought she was drunk and said to her, “How long are you going to stay drunk? Put away your wine.” “

Not so, my Lord,” Hannah replied, “I am a woman who is deeply troubled. I have not been drinking wine or beer; I was pouring out my soul to the Lord. Do not take your servant for a wicked woman; I have been praying here out of my great anguish and grief.” 

Eli answered, “Go in peace, and may the God of Israel grant you what you have asked of him.” 

She said, “May your servant find favor in your eyes.” Then she went her way and ate something, and her face was no longer downcast. 

Early the next morning they arose and worshiped before the Lord and then went back to their home at Ramah. Elkanah made love to his wife Hannah, and the Lord remembered her. So in the course of time Hannah became pregnant and gave birth to a son. She named him Samuel, saying, “Because I asked the Lord for him.””

‭‭1 Samuel‬ ‭1‬:‭1‬-‭20 

I remembered this was the msg preached then. I could totally relate to Hannah, who felt tormented by her infertility. In fact, this msg carried me for many seasons before we had the twins. When I heard it again 4yrs ago, it carried a very different feeling. I wasn't downcasted. I was thankful for the many blessings in my life. But I asked God, if He would give us our last kid, if He think that we would be up for it? And He said yes. And that was it. 

Thankful for the Lord, who never sends the wrong order but in His perfect Timing. 

Happy weekend my friends!

Protecting boundaries

Last week an adviser texted me and ask if she could meet me coz she’s drowning. The same problems that we all face as advisers - not enough appts, no one to meet, no cases to close, can’t handle the emotional rollercoaster of rejections and the list goes on. 

I said yes. Even though William said I should refer to her respective leaders. But I agreed anyway. 

Each time I meet her, I’ll end up feeling defeated. Coz she’s a lot more emo than me. And most certainly she knows how to press on all my insecurities etc.. Joleen says I should learn to say no. Coz I always end up exhausted and defeated. And I shouldn’t bring all these bad feelings home. And the thing is I can’t even rant to anyone besides her and William! 

Anyway this season is abt protecting myself and setting boundaries. Surprisingly learnt it from my new secretary who doesn’t reply my msgs once she leaves office. Work is done and dusted. lol.. we had a lot of cultural shock when she first joined. But I guess it’s a good thing. Coz if not for her, I think I will b overstepping into Joleen hrs 24/7 and I’ll also end up clearing my team’s cases at whatever timing. 

So the boundary has been a good thing. I just need to learn to up my level and say no to people who I can’t cope at this moment in time. 

只怪自己功力不够，让老娘在修炼500年在彼此切磋吧！

Till Death do us part?

I guess I’m really easily affected greatly by people who doesn’t even concerned me 🤣🤣🤣

Heard of the news that one of my fav YouTuber couple announced their divorce recently. I started watching them for quite a few yrs now. And even though they announced the news on April Fool’s, a lot of people thought it was meant to b a joke initially. 

Currently there’s no concrete reason for the divorce, though there are  lot of speculations / rumours going on. Said it was bcoz both of them lost a lot of weight, became more attractive now and one of them strayed. I mean, who knows right. What I do know, and one of the reasons i think affected me a lot more than I expected, is bcoz the wife had PCOS and they went thru a lot of infertility problems like what we experienced few yrs ago. They went thru IVF too, and that probably affected their relationship too. With the hormonal changes and stress etc. 

The kpo me went to watch a few videos that they made separately last yr and the tell tale signs were there. The eyes that had sadness, the missing spouse on their respective channels, melodramatic topics etc. 

Oh well, then after watching it, even more sad and I end up not sleeping til 3am! Haiz.. I don’t even dare tell Uncle abt it.. I just laid my hands over him and prayed that God watch over our marriage, that He will always be the centre of our relationship, our household and everything. 

I wished I’m not that easily/distracted by people that even are impt.. lol.. 

In other news, reading a new book now and I’m excited to see how it leads. To be updated again 

Me!

Swimming again coz I haven’t exercised at all this week! Swimming is my safe haven. I wished I could do it in the evening when it’s not that sunny. In time to come when my kids are older and more open to allow mama have her swimming without them. 

April has been quite slow for me. Have a lot of appts but not much closing. Our work is like farming. I guess this is the season of planting seeds and waiting. I can wait. I shall be patient. If this is the place that God plants me to be, He will show me His ways and plans for me. 

”Since you are my rock and my fortress, for the sake of your name lead and guide me.“

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭31‬:‭3‬ ‭NIV‬‬ 

Breakthrough

 

Going to shelve this ppt tonight coz I finally completed the sharing this morning! 🎉🥳🎊

I’m glad it’s finally over. No matter how badly or great I did. Hahahaha.. 

I know I’m well loved coz some of the colleagues texted me the night before or in the morning and send me their love and wishes.. hahahaha.. 

I even did a zoom trial a couple of days ago with 2 people so that they could give me some feedback. 

I definitely was less anxious  this time round compared to the last few rounds. 

I know this isn’t something that I could do it at the snap of my fingers. Not this topic. lol. But I’m glad that I did it nonetheless. In time to come, I know I can pat myself on my shoulders and say, “At least I’ve tried.” 

Wrote this before the start of the meeting to remind myself that it’s going to be fine! Hahahaha… 

I contemplated asking more people to switch on their cameras but I was also afraid that seeing them over the screen would send more fears to me or if I couldn’t cope managing the engagement. But I’m thankful for those who did. Hahahah.. thank you my lovely angela .. hahaha.. 

Thankful this has come to an end. Thankful that this was a zoom. Hahahah.. if only the lunch was nicer.. oh wells.. 

Overcoming

625am Wondering if I should get up and make myself ready for the 715 gym class. The struggle is real. William asked if I wanna sleep in, which I’m so tempted to. But if I do, my membership goes to waste. Which brings me to the next question. Should I cancel my membership? 

Gym or its classes have never been my thing. But I find classes easier coz as long as I pull thru the 1hr session, I’m done for the day. With my home gym, chances are I’ll just do cycling which sadly that doesn’t target the whole body. And I’m also afraid that once i cancel the membership, I’ll probably give up the home gym option in a couple of weeks max 

The other thing abt the membership is the companionship or people there. It’s a mixed experience. Some people are generally much nicer while others are clickish and judgmental. Mayb my choice of words are too strong. But sometimes I rage when they pass some comments. 

Honestly the reason why I’m doing gym still is bcoz I like the stamina it gives me. Sadly I hadn’t lose any fat / weight. I tend to overcompensate myself after each session and if the main objective is to just lose weight, I’m better off sticking to my cupping sessions. 

The next deduction is coming Monday. I should make a decision before that. Let’s see if I change my mind after the class. 

The truth will set you free

Today I felt free for the first time. I was not pressured by the need to bring the kids out over the weekend, or the need to prove anything. (I know many a times, it’s my mind at work). 

But today, I had the aha moment. That I am who I am. 

Yes there will always be more interesting mamas who does art and craft or baking with their kids, or mamas who bring their kids on outings every weekend or public holiday, or mama who simply provide the best gifts for her kids at bday parties. I’m not any of those. I’m just me. I tire easily when doing outdoors or play dates or just crowded places. I need naps like a baby. And I need my time away from my kids. 

And this is me - uniquely created by God. 

There isn’t a need to feel sorry for not being able to do it all. 

I felt a pat on my back when I finally realised it all. I felt enlightened.

I know it’s not much. And eventually the negative voice in me will start judging me in days to come. But at this moment, I just wanted to celebrate me - the free me. 

The one who allows the kids to watch tv so that she could take a break, the one who doesn’t do much revision w her kids or don’t even remember when their exams are. 

Life is too short to worry abt these. Let’s celebrate life. Celebrate this moment.