Week 31

Just finished watching Titanic on Disney+.. bad idea, considering that the man is going cruise on Sunday with his mom. 

I’ve been trying to control my emotions, seriously. But tonight it probably hit me (hard) that he’s really going to be away in less than 48hrs.. the firstborn commented that how I’m going to cope for the next few days with me + the twins all by myself ... (she will be staying over at my moms place) I’m not sure how, but I guess it’s good time bonding with the twins before baby comes. I do have a few appts coming week, but I guess I’ll be able to manage it. After all, uncle would b back by wed noon.. 

I would be at week 31 tomorrow, 6 more weeks to full term. Hoping that we could push the baking to a little bit further if possible. The nearer to school hols, the less complicated the logistics would be. Time seems to fly past so fast to be honest. I do feel much hotter now. Thankfully, my feet are still mine, swelling hasn’t come in fully yet. I still have a belly button, I thought it would popped if I’m expecting a boy, but it didn’t leh.. hahaha.. guess I’m one of those that wouldn’t know how it feels. I definitely feel a lot of his kicks nowadays, and I’m thankful for that. 

Went to touch up my hair recently to pamper myself before I can no longer move. 

Trying to do some work here and there as well as wrap up whatever urgent / outstanding stuff on my hands. As much as I had wanted to rest for the year, I’m reminded by my wonderful friends that I shouldn’t. Not becoz I can’t afford, but becoz work gives me sanity. I couldn’t agree more. And so it shall be. I’ll work bits here and there, do a little bit of mentoring (when needed) and trust that God will be with me in this exciting journey. 

I’m thankful that I have this life inside of me now. In my wildest dream, I wouldn’t think it’s possible. Even now, there are days when I ask myself, if I’m really pregnant? Or am I in a dream? But since this is a gift from God, I will abide in His will and enjoy this journey. It’s nice to b able to just bake, and not worry abt anything. And I should enjoy this moment. 😊

 “For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.”

‭‭Ephesians‬ ‭2:10‬ ‭NIV‬‬

https://www.bible.com/111/eph.2.10.niv

Such a timely reminder.. last night, I freaked out, upon realisation that uncle would b 60 by the time baby J is 10. Call it slow, but I didn’t realize that we would spend all our working yrs on kids rearing.. I know I prayed for #4, becoz I probably felt more “free” in the last 2 yrs now that the girls are easier.. but uncle said that he had planned for a helper to come, so that we could spend time traveling the world like I always wanted since our youngest are 9.. but I felt that he was getting more involved with his CCAs more .. u know what I mean ? 

Anyway, I don’t know what I’m talking abt.. and the fears crept in, with me blaming myself for wanting another kid when I can’t even take care of myself.. haiz..fears of the post natal depression and me screaming at the girls etc.. all  flooded my complicated mind..hormones hormones hormones.. I hate it..

And so this verse is so timely. I remember telling myself that God is the pilot of my plane, and He is my safety belt, as we go thru the valleys and mountains of my path... it’s assuring to know and be comforted that I only need to surrender completely to Him and enjoy the ride that He has planned.. 

Week 28

Finally it’s week 28, the start of the 3rd trimester. Everything seems so fast yet so slow at the same time! I can’t wait to deliver, to be honest but my friends have reminded me that it would mean the start of many sleepless nights, crazy logistics and breastfeeding woes. “I must have forgotten that phrase of life” they say, which I don’t deny. Everything seems hazy and gone in a blur. Or maybe I’m an optimistic at this moment. It can’t be that bad, managing 1 newborn, 2 sweet twins plus 1 turbulent teen?? I’m not sure, but God is with us, til the ends of our time. 

It’s exciting, and I’m counting down to the last 9-11 weeks. We’ve gotten most of the items (I think) and besides the food items plus washing of bb clothes, I think we are there. 

Probably I’ll list down some of the symptoms I’m going thru now..

1) contractions 

- this is the first pregnancy that I’ve experienced (false) contractions or Braxton Hicks. It’s kinda interesting to feel something different despite being my 3rd pregnancy.

2) movement 

- baby J has started to kick, sometimes quite intensely. I’m trying to see if I could record a video of it bcoz sometimes I felt that I could almost feel my tummy do a double bounce! Hahaha

3) physical 

- my legs have started to swell just a little, which I’m thankful for bcoz I rem the last 2 pregnancies, the feet always swell so much by now that nothing would b able to make me more comfortable.

- I’ve started to feel a bit of pelvic pain since last week, which probably comes with the weight gain etc. I’m alrdy thankful that I’m only feeling the pain (now) bcoz I rem with the twins I was in so much pain that I couldn’t walk/sleep pretty early in the pregnancy term. 

- my current weight is 85.3kg. I’ve gain a total of 12kg.. probably reach 17-20 by the end of the term. I took so long to hit the 70s but it’s so easy to gain back.. not sure if I would even be able to lose that eventually. We shall see. 

- physically I do feel more tired. I’m trying to finish all my work outstanding now and not fix any crazy schedule by end of mar. That’s what I always say but i always end up having 3-4 appts a day recently .. hahaha.. thankful that william has been super supportive and driving me to the Appts. 

4) Appetite

- I’m still crazy into carbs and atas bread.. lol.. been eating a lot of sourdough lately.. baby is clearly papa’s taste buds. I’m just praying that when baby leaves me, he brings his taste buds along with him ! I miss my clean eating .. hahahah.. 

5) Ligation?

- william and I went thru this discussion recently. R we really done with kids? I guess so. Have told the gynae to do it together with the c sec. but on the other hand, making it irreversible always make me fearful. But yes, I guess we are done. I’m afraid I chickened out of this and risk having #5!! Hahahah.. I’m a confused woman not knowing what I want.. hahaha

That’s all for now I guess. Thankful for this gift from God. It wouldn’t have been possible without Him. This is a miracle baby from Him. And I need to remember that’s all that matters.

Going for our baby moon next week.. haha..just a short staycation for both of us while the girls are at grandma’s. Looking forward!

My favourite bible verses

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”

‭‭James‬ ‭1:2-4‬ ‭NIV‬‬

https://www.bible.com/111/jas.1.2-4.niv

“Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?”

‭‭Matthew‬ ‭6:26-27‬ ‭NIV‬‬

https://www.bible.com/111/mat.6.26-27.niv

These are my 2 most favourite bible verses and every time I’m out of options, I’ll go back to them and pray that God is with me, as He continues to mould me into a better person. 

Have been feeling emo emo recently and a friend reminded me that God will never give me more than I could handle. How true that is. How beautiful it is, to be reminded by angel-liked friends! 

Just gotten reminded to completely surrender to God, and that no extra ounce of fear would be able to change/help in any situation. 

Joy is going thru a phrase now, similar to what my sister went thru when I was expecting Joy. Looking at Joy now, reminds me of how Sharon didn’t want to be a part of the pregnancy journey at all. She refused to carry Joy at birth and even when she became a toddler. As time passes, there were times when Joy asked me if her aunt hated her. Coz even the toddler her then, could sense it. I couldn’t understand and didn’t have the courage / wisdom to broach the topic. And now, I see history repeating itself again. Coincidentally both of them have the same dob and the same age gap. 

It got quite into me seeing Joy's indifferent attitude, that it was eating me alive. I wanted to confront her, yet I know that would only make things worse. I want to give her time and space to move forward, but would we eventually see light at the tunnel? What if, no amt of time and space would make her move forward? What is going thru her mind? Why is it that she can be so warm and enthuastic talking about her church/school life in one moment, and change to cold/indifferent immediately, when we asked if she would wanna come for the gynae check up? Would the twins become like that too when Baby J is finally here? 

Those questions bothered me for a few days, but I decided that enough was enough. I took a deep breath, and was reminded that our God is here, and He will never give me a task too big for me. I just need to focus my attention on Him, and everything will fall in place. Rather than be negatively affected by the teenager's attitude, I will believe that God will soften her heart in His perfect timing, and that each challenge is a lesson for us to learn something.

Yesterday was a fulfilling day. I went for a swim to burn some cny calories, did a FF via zoom, had a fruitful lunch with a colleague before meeting joy for the rest of the afternoon. 

It has become a mthly routine to spend the afternoon with her after sch, where she would go for her braces tightening and we would chat over coffee and cakes. Today was extended coz I needed to meet a client for a short appt at 5pm. So we had dinner before coming back. I thought I had spend a few good hrs with her, listening to her talk to me abt her world and the struggles she’s facing etc. I put on my listening ear, was careful not to pass any judgmental remarks, and just listened as a friend. As we head home on the bus, I asked her, her thoughts of us receiving a new family member. Bcoz I could sense that she wasn’t receptive, unlike her other 2 sisters who have started to embrace the fact and are actually looking forward to baby’s arrival. Her reply : “it’s the start of sleepless nights lo..” I was shocked. It was short, harsh and unkind. It felt that the whole world was about her. And this was after topping up her love tank! I didn’t say much bcoz I didn’t have the wisdom to handle it. I asked if she could look at it positively, like having a new addition also meant that we would most likely shift to a bigger place and she would b getting her much desired own room. I was desperate, as u can see. She shook her hand. Suddenly even her own space wasn’t enticing enough. 

It bothered me, coz among the 3 girls, I have to say that we spend the most time with her, always making sure that we cared abt her feelings when the twins came and even after that, we make deliberate efforts to spend one to one with her, but her comments made me realize that it seems it was never enough. It wasn’t enough despite that she alrdy had more attention than her single kid friends, or that her parents prioritise spending time with them over making more money. 

I told william abt it late at night. I felt disheartened that Joy was feeling so self entitled. I don’t know if it’s my fault that we are expecting baby J or it’s the kids of this generation. It seem like no amt of love was enough for her. And at that moment, I was feeling more guilty towards the twins coz they are often “compromised”. When we only had Joy, we travelled to so many countries, bringing her with us. When the twins came, the logistics and finances of bringing 3 young kids were too overwhelming that we either went to nearby countries and/or reduce the frequency of traveling. It was only the last 2 yrs before Covid that we started to travel more again. And with the latest addition, it probably meant that if we were to travel (again) for the company trips, it probably meant the 2 of us + baby J while the girls would b at home, fulfilling their sch requirements. 

It must be the hormones but I couldn't zz the whole night. Praying for wisdom for me to touch Joy, as well as God expand my heart, so that I could have enough LOVE for all 4 kids + my hubby.. hahah.. praying that the twins wouldn't have an advsere reaction when Baby J is here. The memory of Joy's reaction when the twins came is still raw in my mind. Probably make one to one session with the twins during the mar hols, and remembering that I need to spend time with them as well. God, grant me the time, the wisdom and patience to do it all.. in Jesus name i pray, amen!

Happy CNY

 

This is a reminder to myself to always be PRESENT in my kids' lives, no matter how challenging/tiring it is. Coz eventually, it shows, if the kids have LOVE in their lives, or are distanced from you. We are not perfect parents, but we try to make the best out of what we have.

We met up with 2 other families for CNY gathering yesterday, friends whom we known for many years since Joy was in her preschool. But yesterday, was the first time, we left the dinner earlier. Coz the girls were glued to their hp, and for my twins who had no hp, they felt super lonely. Joy didn't dare touch her phone after I told her (before the start of the dinner) to spend time with her friends instead of on her phone. But her other 2 friends, were simply more interested in their technology gadgets. Its pretty sad, actually. When you see them there, but not there. So obviously, my 3 girls were bored the entire night. Its my fault, for forgetting to remind them to bring their books along to read. 

Its a pity to leave the night early. But I was tired. Tired of asking the other girls to stop looking at their phones when their parents aren't interested. They were "free" since their kids were not bothering them. Tired of the language/ words they used, I certainly didn't expect teenagers / girls of today (maybe I'm conservative) to use such words. Its just awful. And call it selfish or what, I certainly didn't want my kids to use such language. I'm sure they are exposed it in school/ social media / environment, but Joy knows that such language is forbidden in our household and if she can't follow our rules, she's free to ask another household to adopt her. ( I do realise that I can't always use this all the time..hahaha..) But when we shower the girls with LOVE & TIME, they will realise that despite it all, this is the family/ home that they would rather be in. 

I find parenting very similar to planting. Shower it with enough LOVE & TIME, and eventually you see the fruits of yr labour. Neglect it, and weeds will will come, inhibiting its growth. Ignore the weeds, and eventually the plant suffers. 

Sweet Grace left this on my desk this morning..my first angbao from my kids..lol..

Just finished my zoom this morning, going to spend the rest of the days with the girls, doing homework today...hahaha.. happy CNY!

Random

I’m back in the pool again, the 4th time in 2 weeks. Needed this to increase my metabolism. With working from home since 2020, it also meant that the number of steps I clocked generally are in the hundreds only.. lol.. 

I’ve gain 1.5kg since last week and it’s seriously freaking me out. I tried to go back to clean / healthy eating but it made me so restless and emo that I had a dive into sugars the next couple of days. Baby J likes his carbs and he is v. Certain abt that. I hope when he comes into this world, he brings with him his carbs cravings. I miss my salads and greens. 

At week 23, I’m almost 2 thirds into this leg of the race. Seriously I can’t wait for week 37 to arrive. I pant even when doing short walks. I feel like an enormous hippo all the time.. lol.. though I need to remind myself that this shall be the LAST time I will ever look like this, when people wouldn’t judge / gossip about looking huge. Hahah..