Entering week 11

If there was 1 thing that I worry since the start of my pregnancy - it is the fear of an old friend visiting me again - Depression. Its not a secret that we've fought many times ; there were a couple of times that I remembered that I felt so low that ending it all seems easier and of coz there were times I knew I overcame it. And I remember how I felt so overwhelmed when I first had joy; the sleepless nights; or the mum's guilt of succumbing to formula when she had servere jaundice..the post natal depression came in full force as if to join a party. 

N last week was a low... emotional low .. its either the fear or the queasy nausea that made me felt 😣 

And it made matter worse when I announced in one of my grp chats when one of the members asked an innocent qn of How's everyone.. I regretted instantaneously. Of coz with a pregnancy announcement, everyone was overjoyed / happy for me. But I was struggling. Struggling to even feel ok. And the distorted perceptions ( rem grace taught me abt P.A.C.E? But I felt more like N.A.C.E) 

And I got frustrated la.. when I was just honestly saying abt my fears.. fears of being a old mother; fears that #4 would grow up lonely or fears that we might not be around before #4 is of age etc .. n this group of friends simply went on and on abt how easy its gonna b now that my girls are much older and would b able to help; blah blah blah..or that the MS eventually would end etc..if its so easy, how come I don't see any of you having MORE KIDS ah!?? So easy to talk right, and one of them don't even wanna have kids lo.. argh.. unless one has been suffering from IF or miscarriage and thus decided not to have any more kids, then all of you should just shut up! Argh.. sorry just venting. I know they are just trying to b encouraging but its not convincing 🙄🙄🙄 and also bcoz my inner thoughts are having its own battles la.. whatever. 

And that sums up my past week. Battling demons. 

Today was a high though. I felt energetic enough; to clear some work and spend some time with Joy. Managed to have a hearty dinner too.. I do hope that more of such days would come as I approach T2. And more importantly, I hope that by the next time the old friend comes visiting, I would be better equipped to fight.

I know I should b happy that I have this 🎁 after praying and waiting for so long. But what if I'm not good enough? What if i didn't know better?

Is anyone among you in trouble? Let them pray. Is anyone happy? Let them sing songs of praise.

James 5:13 NIV

https://james.bible/james-5-13

To eat or not..

I vomited big time last night.. right after I finish my sweet potato and sesame tangyuan supper. Thought everything was good but halfway thru brushing my teeth, I started to choke and the next thing I knew, my basin also became choked..lol.. 

William spend the next hr clearing the mess while I lay on bed. I actually felt better after the vomit episode.. lol..coz at least I don't feel so bloated and my whole tummy is clear... lol.. jm says it gets better with each experience and eventually I'll b able to catch when its going to happen etc..🤣🤣🤣

And that was last night. 

I'm laying on my bed for the last hr, thinking if i should get some supper.. and if so, what should I get? Lickers? Potato chips? Coz the man went for his massage and probably will only b back at 11ish..meaning if I want proper food, I need wait for another hr or so.. else ready food would b things like tidbits etc.. 

The twins doesn't have school tom so we are bringing them to Jalan jalan.. hopefully I have the strength and stamina.. maybe I should just go and zzz..😘

Entering week 10

My afternoon snack on the bed.. hasn't been able to move much without feeling nausea..n this warm cheese toast is sooooo good..hahaha..so thankful that I have uncle pig at home, who can whipped up anything I want. No matter how insane it is..hahhaha 

I'm finally entering week 10, 2 more weeks before I see 2nd trimester and hopefully some light at the tunnel. We went for our 2nd scan today. Gynae is happy that im having all the nauseaness.. he says it means that baby is growing well..😅😅😅

There are some days when I felt so bad that I just wanna cry but im good now. At least for today. The toast is great! I shall ask him to make it again when I feel 🤢

Thought I also record my pregnancy symptoms before my brains forget abt them.. not that I would ever need to refer to them again.. 

1) stretch marks 

- it has come since week 8..so fast this time round. J says bcoz with age, our body losses elasticity and thus the stretch marks come earlier.. not that it bothers me la.. 

2) Tiredness 

- this is huge probably bcoz of age ba..plus even for my previous 2 pregnancies, tiredness is always something I struggled with. But this time round its more guazhang..lol.. I didnt even have the stamina to change out of my pyjamas if I don't need to step out of house. Comfy clothes for outing is baggy t-shirt with william bums bcoz I cant fit into mine anymore😭😭😭 

Not to mention that earrings / assessories/ make up / contact lens are no longer essential..lol..  the queen only wants to lay on her bed and hatch her egg most of the time. 

3) smells 

- im v sensitive to smells now - as expected. I even managed to find the 1 lemon smell that has been lingering here and there that makes me wanna puke - a change in detergent few weeks ago. Seriously counting down to 2 more weeks and praying that things will finally get better 

4) favorite foods

this is the packet of sweets that's always in my bag now..Nice and refreshing..its ang moh sour plum which is palatable for me..

another one of my favourites...hahahah..this is soooooo good!

Ribena is still one of my favourites though when one has too much of it, its a bit too sickening..hahaha.. I'm difficult 

5) Appetite

- my appetite is still small with many different cravings.. which means the girls and uncle pig has been finishing my leftovers. At this rate, all 5 of us will grow bigger though there's only 1 preggie..hahaha.. 

6) pee breaks

- I drink a lot of water bcoz it washes the breath in me..and bcoz of that I wake up at least 3 times every night. Thankfully sleep has been good so far.. to which I'm thankful. 

7) work

- work has been easy these 2 weeks with only 1-2 appts per week..yeah.. im thankful that its wfh mostly..hahaha.. 

Week 9 Update

The last 2 weeks had been rough.. I had wanted to update earlier but I thought I wait til I'm less emo / blue before I do a check in.. and I guess it didn't happen. And so this is gonna b probably one of the more emo post.. 

I thought I could overcome the nauseaness by arranging more appts.. I had a total of 40 appts (zoom and f2f) over the last 2 weeks. N by the end of it, I was exhausted. Burnt out. I wanted to cry. I didnt know what I was doing. Why was I so hard on myself. Why don't I enjoy this pregnancy more and spend some time with the 3 girls instead of gorging on work!? I was either on the work desk, or resting on my bed in between breaks. I told J that I'm going to stop work for now. Stop fixing any more new appts. I told my boss that Im going to focus on just being a mama next yr as well.. though Angela says that she highly doubt so..🤣

I was thankful that it is finally November. My coming week is more relaxed, with some causal outings as well.

Besides the work burnt out, I was emo emo too.. there was once when I honestly resented being pregnant. It felt like when I was pregnant with joy. Happy yet disappointed. Blessed yet wished otherwise. I felt sad. Sometimes the emotions become so overwhelming that I cry alone at night. Coz I didnt want to appear being a wimp in front of william or the girls. There was only a task that was required of me. Rest and be well. And even that, seems so tough these days. 

I am reminded that I need God in my life, no matter how tired I am coz He is my strength and refuge. And I shall put my eyes on Him, as He path His ways til the end. 

In lighter news, 

I saw this on Joy hp today. This was probably in 2009 when we brought her to Tokyo Disney land. Omg. I was so fat! I always thought that its the IVF / twins pregnancy that made me ballooned but here, I was already a 🎈.. omg.. and yes, the fear of it happening again is real. I told William that probably we will forget the me now bcoz if we skip the 2019-2020 part, my size would remain a consistent upward trend. 

Where did the cute Joy go! 🤣🤣🤣 She's more like a sister now than a daughter. I honestly pray that #4 will b more like Joy and to be honest, am a little afraid if #4 takes after V*** 🙊🙊🙊

I do find this pregnancy very similar to my first pregnancy. The nausea; emos; tiredness etc.. I hope that there is light at the end of the tunnel.. praying that the nauseaness will flee soon! Like pls..real soon

Random

Today grace taught me a phrase which she learnt from her favorite cartoons - P.A.C.E. 

P - Positive 

A - Attitude 

C - Changes 

E - Everything 

Wow..chim right.. I didnt know cartoons got so deep meanings..lol..its a good reminder for myself that whenever I'm frustrated with things / issues / 人, its the attitudes (myself) that will change things. 

Did a zoom a few days ago with a client turned friend and we were just chatting casually n how another client (common friend) is pregnant and gave me so much courage to continue on, despite challenges la. I commented that I'm worried abt my pregnancy bcoz of the various challenges as well as the back to square one compared to  auto pilot mode with the older kids. Then this client, told me that few mths ago, she found out she too, was pregnant. But they decided that, no, they had enough kids and she took the pill to end it. I was shocked. N it affected me a lot. Of coz, I know its their choice, not mine. And it probably take a lot of courage to do that too. But I just didn't know anyone personally who would terminate her pregnancy even though it was unplanned. It must have been the hormones, I was so sad by the news that I 😥 

Anyway I've digressed. Lol.. shall focus on positive attitudes and mindsets!! 

We managed to see 小豆豆 and the heartbeat on Monday! I told the BFFs that I'm officially pregnant..lol..they say I'm already pregnant.. didnt need wait for this to confirm. But I was worried that there might not b a heartbeat ma.. 

I ask the gynae if I could stop Duphaston but he says he would prefer if I tried taking some 🤣

These days I'm either feeling super tired or 🤢🤢🤢. Even work was a struggle that I had to reschedule 2 f2f appts in the end. Thankfully most of it were on zoom.

In happier news, ribena is my new found BFF..lol.. it makes me happy and brings me much comfort.. hahhaha..I told the twins that baby loves ribena for now and I hope that baby doesn't keep changing its taste buds.

Looking forward to 2nd trimester soon.. I can't wait to start shopping for baby stuff..hahah.. and welcome any hand me downs too! 

Entering 7 weeks..

Its the night just before our gynae appt tomorrow. I'm nervous. Would we be able to hear any heartbeat tomorrow or would we only be able to see a lifeless shell? 

I'm not sure. My heart is weak. I went back to read the pregnancy diary we recorded when we had twins and I also couldn't sleep well on the eve of their first ultrasound scan. 

It always seem so amazing that God had given us Grace and Vera; and now our 4th child. It seems like I'm in a dream and I'm afraid that I could wake up and realize everything is 一场空 .. You know some prayers that you just pray, but u never thought it would come true ? I don't quite remember when exactly or how long I've been quietly praying/ wishing for a 4th child, but probably on nights when I'm too free (I guess), I just speak to God and reminded Him about my wish..lol.. and if it is in His will, then yes it will come to pass. 

Anyway don't really know what I'm babbling abt.. hopefully I will b able to catch some sleep soon.. have 2 work appts in the midst of the gynae appt and tonnes of outstanding to follow up.. 

Thankful for God's grace in our household; thankful for the friends who have been very supportive of this pregnancy n most importantly thankful for uncle pig for always tolerating my nuisance.  

Pregnancy diary

I finally found out the real reason behind the extreme nausea -

That explains why I've been feeling so nausea so early in the pregnancy! Omg! And how did I realize that? 

I felt so good on wed for the first time..light nausea (if u know what I mean) and I thought mayb it meant that my nausea has peaked earlier.. but only to have it come back on over drive on thur. Then I realize the only reason to explain was not bcoz work was a distraction but more of I was so overwhelmed with work that I had forgotten my medication.. hahahahaha.. and the moment I take those meds again, the old friend comes visiting again 🤣

I'm glad at least the mystery is solved.. that I'm not being over drama or emo but bcoz the meds is making me 🤢🤢🤢

I called the clinic and pushed the appt to mon..hopefully after the appt I can drop the medication with pleading 🥺  and perhaps my gynae will have mercy on me.. I know he's just being cautious by prescribing me the meds but oh well..we shall see..