Entering week 11

If there was 1 thing that I worry since the start of my pregnancy - it is the fear of an old friend visiting me again - Depression. Its not a secret that we've fought many times ; there were a couple of times that I remembered that I felt so low that ending it all seems easier and of coz there were times I knew I overcame it. And I remember how I felt so overwhelmed when I first had joy; the sleepless nights; or the mum's guilt of succumbing to formula when she had servere jaundice..the post natal depression came in full force as if to join a party. 

N last week was a low... emotional low .. its either the fear or the queasy nausea that made me felt 😣 

And it made matter worse when I announced in one of my grp chats when one of the members asked an innocent qn of How's everyone.. I regretted instantaneously. Of coz with a pregnancy announcement, everyone was overjoyed / happy for me. But I was struggling. Struggling to even feel ok. And the distorted perceptions ( rem grace taught me abt P.A.C.E? But I felt more like N.A.C.E) 

And I got frustrated la.. when I was just honestly saying abt my fears.. fears of being a old mother; fears that #4 would grow up lonely or fears that we might not be around before #4 is of age etc .. n this group of friends simply went on and on abt how easy its gonna b now that my girls are much older and would b able to help; blah blah blah..or that the MS eventually would end etc..if its so easy, how come I don't see any of you having MORE KIDS ah!?? So easy to talk right, and one of them don't even wanna have kids lo.. argh.. unless one has been suffering from IF or miscarriage and thus decided not to have any more kids, then all of you should just shut up! Argh.. sorry just venting. I know they are just trying to b encouraging but its not convincing 🙄🙄🙄 and also bcoz my inner thoughts are having its own battles la.. whatever. 

And that sums up my past week. Battling demons. 

Today was a high though. I felt energetic enough; to clear some work and spend some time with Joy. Managed to have a hearty dinner too.. I do hope that more of such days would come as I approach T2. And more importantly, I hope that by the next time the old friend comes visiting, I would be better equipped to fight.

I know I should b happy that I have this 🎁 after praying and waiting for so long. But what if I'm not good enough? What if i didn't know better?

Is anyone among you in trouble? Let them pray. Is anyone happy? Let them sing songs of praise.

James 5:13 NIV

https://james.bible/james-5-13