我太爱美了吗?

To do or not to do.. im uncertain. God can u give me a clear answer pls.. just like u always give me very clear and certain answers for my work. 

It sounds so vain and I'm uncertain. There's risks involved too. Perhaps i should list down the pros and cons before deciding. 

Pros: 

1) prettier 👀; doesn't look as sleepy ; assuming the op is successful 

2) doing it now has better recovery compared to when I'm older, plus now that everyone's WFH, by the time normal work commence, the healing and stuff would b natural 

Cons: 

1) what if an accident happens ? What if it isn't as pretty ? Do I really like my left eye over my right such that I wanna make them equal now ? 

2) if im doing the cutting method, recovery might take 3mths, probably up to 6mths and mayb years before it looks more natural. 

3) what if there's a scar ? 

If i were to proceed, which method then ? Stitching method or cutting method ? 

Stitching 

- faster recovery and looks more natural 

- a likelihood that the fold might disappear with age ; and doesn't solve the droppy eyes that comes with age next time 

- cost 2.8k

Cutting 

- longer recovery and longer time to look natural 

- permanent : which can b a good or bad thing bcox if the fold is not executed well then its permanent too. Vice versa.

- 3.4k

Update 25/9/20

I guess this is God's way of telling me not to do it. Just did the facial plus some new laser thing of my skin tag n pigmentation etc.. though my face was covered in numbing cream, the pain is still there. In fact it got so bad halfway thru that i wanted to ask the doc to simply stop.. but i cant.. coz ive paid and I didnt want to waste it. Lol.. walking to the train station, my face still sore or pain or numb..im not sure..lol..im simply thankful that we need to wear masks for now..hahaha.. so no one can see my hideous face.. lol..im guess im not touching my eyelids for now..hahaha

Daydreaming

A client text me yday to inform me that she would b made redundant from 30/11. I wasn't shocked bcoz her firm had a few retrenchment exercise even prior to covid. Both of us had factored that in our yrly reviews. But still, when the news came, it still came as a shock to us. 

We arranged a zoom this morning. My objective was to comfort her as well as alleviate any of her fears about financial difficulties etc. Her family was worried for her. After all, she is the sole breadwinner, with her #1 in uni and #2 in poly. She is also a cancer survivor, having to still do the regular check ups etc. 

I did the professional part. Finances wise, her funds would be able to tide her for 2 yrs even if she has zero income. And even after 2 yrs, there are some plans that we have, which can b liquidated if she remains unemployed. Thats the worse case scenario. If she can't find any job - zero income. 

I went on to other aspects. Since this is a fresh start, then why not explore other areas of work? Why not explore a job that she is passionate abt, even if the pay might b a fraction of what she is drawing now. We went thru a few sectors etc. She is v optimistic and on the move. After hearing the news yday, she had already send out news to the recruiters and some of her work contacts as well as her GP coz she might wanna explore going into healthcare. I told her that she should consider being a healthcare ambassador coz her heart is brimming with kindness and compassion to the elderly and sick. I really hope she gets a job that she enjoys, n can look forward to. 

She asked what would I do, if i wasn't a financial adviser, which sets me thinking too. After all, I havent found something that I'm as passionate abt as what I'm doing now. So I decided to take the afternoon to think abt the things that I would want to do. 

1) study law 

- when I was little, I aspired to b a lawyer. But as the years go by, with cmi grades, I scrapped that dream even before I enter JC. Perhaps i could do a full time degree in law, even if no one will hire me as a lawyer..hahah.. 

2) be a counsellor 

- I told J that i had wanted to b a counsellor in the early yrs of my career, bcoz I was always enjoying the chit chat / counselling sessions I had when my friends had problems that they couldn't solve. But J says that bcoz Im a high S person, I probably end up feeling so much abt the people's challenging situations that I will end up lending them monies if that could solve their immediate problems 😅

3) Do other sales? 🤷‍♀️

- mayb I can go sell the cupping packages if I'm really retrenched..hahaha.. coz i probably referred more people there than them getting insurance from me..hahaha 

Its nice to dream once in a while..writing these down so that when I decided not to do what I'm doing now, I can re-visit this again. Hahaha.. i really am excited with 1). Perhaps i could use myskills future credits to pay for some modules and see how it goes.. hahaha

Having a cuppa by myself while joy is off to the dentist doing her adjustments. Once a mth, we will spend our time at Starbucks; catching up on her interesting school life and little gossips.. its so comfortable to be around her..hahah.. she can b a friend or a sister..and i definitely didn't need to "mother" her around or care for her like little children. I'm enjoying my tween before she develops to a teenager or morphs to a rebel (praying that God gives me enough wisdom when that happens) .

Its tough being a tween, when I peeks into her instagram account. I know she struggles with her friendships and she can b too blunt or rude. But this is a stage of growing up I guess.. that one needs to find a balancing point on her own. At times I find it a pity that she no longer keep in touch with any of her pri sch classmates but this topic is sensitive and I will wait for her to b ready to tell me. I know she is struggling but she wants to handle it on her own. So patiently, I will trust to let go.

There's so many updates that I wanna do since my last entry but haven't gotten the time to do it.

Like how the shopaholics celebrated my bday and sweet Ange even baked a pretty and delicious lychee chiffon cake for me! 

Or how I've finally completed this..

It took me longer than I expected but its by far my largest project. I know I almost cried while doing Big bird coz i had miscalculated along the way, and it was deciding between unstitching and redoing or just bulldozer all the way. And I had to do a mix of both eventually...i probably go back and design the sesame Street lamp post..when I'm done with the urgent Aug stitching projects. 

the back of it which I'm super proud of..lol..

Work wise, it has been so crazy since I've picked up zoom.. the hectic schedule got so bad that I told J that I will do a slow aug for now.. i was tired and completely drained out bcoz zoom has become so convenient that I literally have zoom everyday; be it weekdays or public holidays. I'm thankful for the high production but I also would appreciate a small break. I need to pause, smell the flowers and enjoy my kids a little. I wanna be there for them; not just be in their presence but be around them as well.. 

Health wise, I have 2 sick people at home at this very moment.  Grace got rejected in school today for having a fever n was given 5days mandatory MC by our fav PD. Grounded again. William has cataract.. we got it diagnosed yday and that explains his sub par vision and tiredness after driving. The scheduled op would b on 19th Aug.. we would have preferred to do it during the September hols but his eyesight seems to deteriorate badly with each passing day that we called the clinic to push forward the op. I know cataract isn't any major op, but with him, it is a HUGE matter for me. Simply bcoz he has a long list of pre existing conditions and he holds the fort at home. (I've already had 2 sleepless nights), and that's also why i decided to do slow aug.. i want to be around for him and the girls. 

On social media 

I deactivated my FB (again). Today is the 10th day! Yeah! It felt longer than it actually was. The pros of it is ive freed up more time bcoz of this; the cons is i would b missing on media updates la..but close friends will still keep me in the loop la..hahha.. not sure how long the fast would last..but we will take it as each day passes..

Thankful for the blessings God has showered upon our household and his protection upon us as well.. 

Happy Birthday to me

Birthdays are always special to me, presents or no presents.. coz its a time to celebrate the many blessings that God has showered upon me !! And also a great time to feast with family and friends 

And to force uncle to bake for his queen..hahaha.. I'm blessed that I have 2 cakes this year.. the kit kat chocolate banana mousse cake.. which my mama misses so much..  

And to top it off, we had a bbq the next day plus an oreo cheesecake with 39 candles..  yup.. 39 candles..my sis and bil couldn't understand why I was so happy with it..coz my bil was already dreading that this is his last Yr in his 20s..lol.. but 39 candles is something worth celebrating for ! It signify 39 yrs of blessings, and love showered, isn't it.. hahaha..  I'm just so glad that William finally bothered to get me 39 candles..coz the mere lighting of it was a huge ma fan already.  And the twins blew it before we could even took a proper picture.. lol  🤣 

I'm just so thankful for the love showered upon me by my family and friends.. friends who bothered to wish me..and those who took effort to arrange a meal together.. 

sweet jm send this over by herself cox llao llao wasn't delivering to my place.. so touched by her ❤

And we just had lunch today, post bday.. 

- Korean fried chicken!! 

J gave this to me after our lunch

Had lunch with Syd yday.. and we also talked hrs though it always seem time flies so fast.. 

Dinner with the preschool moms.. see my red face after the sake..lol.. 

#Uni pals

I seem to received a lot more 🎁  this yr..lol..gained a few pounds also bcoz of the bday feasting..omg..

Joy gave me this pretty necklace for my bday plus a uniqlo blouse which she says the buying took only 5 mins but the time to enter took half an hr..lol ! Really like the sweet necklace and her love for me..

I need to get back to clean eating next week! Hopefully I succeed!

" And so why do we need to fetch her again?"

"Why cant she continue staying at the other side?" 

My mind asking myself for the nth time today.. I'm not a saint n when it's an uncomfortable arrangement coupled with the nth time changes.. the OCD plus not perfect me kept fighting with the logical me. 

Mil is coming over to stay with us from tomorrow onwards 😱😱😱... arrangement should b for 1 mth since she had already stayed at bil place since the start of CB. I really appreciated Bil gestures of inviting her over to stay; bcoz we all feared that she wouldn't be able to cope with the tight measures on her own. And with the extension of CB, she has since stayed for 2 mths. Then sil kinda hinted that we should rotate this til end of the year.. which the logical me also felt that it's a fair thing to do. 

But obviously, no one consulted the dowager..and when bil simply issued the decree that he will drop her at my place on 2nd jun, WW3 happened la.. dowager was upset since last week.. 

To me honestly, I dont really mind if she wanna continue staying there. Right.. lol.. if shes happy, then we should keep it that way right.. it's going to b tough if she comes over with grievances right right.. lol.. u see.. the devious me keep justifying.. oh God, pls correct me.

So anyway up to yday and today, sil has changed her stance like so many times lo.. a text from her at 6pm say dowager will stay there til end Jun.. (a slight 🥳🥳🥳) but 1hr later she asked what time we going to pick her up.. 🥺

Praying that I wont go crazy when she comes over Tom... praying for an open heart and open mind.. 

What I learnt/did during the Circuit Breaker

Its been abt 6weeks since the start of circuit breaker and if things go on track, it's only 2 more weeks left. To be honest, 6 weeks seem to fly past so fast. I've learnt/done so many interesting things that I wont be doing if it was the normal work schedule.

1) Urban Farming 

- I've grew 3 rounds of bean sprouts thus far. Its probably one of the easier veg to grow and I thought it would b interesting for the girls to see how beans are transformed into a dish in a span of days..

This was my first time doing (then) and the girls got so sick of tao gei for a while that they forbade me to grow so much at one go! I really enjoyed the time when we all just pluck the tao gei together.. lol.. it reminded me of my growing up years when we had to do it..hahah

2) Work emails 

- I managed to download all my work emails and achive them based on each individual client.. yeah! It's one of the good to do tasks but not urgent things that I could clear during the CB..

3) Writing Cards

- When was the last time we wrote a card / letter to a friend? Or made one for them? I took this time to mail out short cards to my friends to wish them Happy Mothers Day.. inspiring mothers whom I wanna thank for guiding me along the way; mummy friends who were in the journey together with me and amazing mothers who I hope to send an encouragement to! By the end of this drive, my hands were aching from the writing..lol.. but it's a small gift of love that I hope my friends would like.. 

4) Zoom 

- By now most Singaporeans would have mastered the use of Zoom / video conferencing. The girls definitely picked up faster but I'm glad I know how too! Also managed to finally mastered screen sharing and do my presentations digitally. Havent close my first sale yet but I know it will come!

5) Digitalizing my drawings into ppt

- I'm a dinosaur.. and most colleagues / clients know that too.. I present with pen and paper and even though I scanned all my drawings, the problem with drawing is i would need to re-draw for each review. Since I had so much time, I converted all my drawings to ppt! Close to 90% of my existing clients..hahaha.. ticked ppt off my list and feeling a huge sense of accomplishment. It's a learning curve for a dinosaur like me, but it wouldn't have been possible if I didnt have so much time to figure out and port all over. 

6) Cross stitch 

- I ordered this when I was done with 2) and I still had 4 or 5 weeks before CB ends. I really wanted to do something for ME. Though i may not know how to bake or cook or do chores, this was one of my fav past time when I was young. I used to do this a lot during sch days but stopped doing when we humans got too engrossed with mandate work activities. I managed to find many designs on qoo10 where it could b shipped easily.

But it was still a pain when I was going thru this. The squares were too small for my eyes and I should have started with an easier design. 2 thoughts went thru my mind while doing it.. I either finish it before the end of CB or risk it being a half completed job for a loooooong time when work "reopens". 

Its finally completed to which I'm thankful. I really enjoyed doing it, after the initial difficulties. It's like my escape away from parenting duties..hahaha..The girls were also curious to learn. So I've ordered new sets for them which has the design printed and hopefully easier for them to learn.

7) Ironing out with Joy

- After that last entry, Joy and I cried so hard that day... words cut deep, especially when it comes from loved ones. I know she doesnt mean it, but we all could learn from this episode. I told her abt my struggles being the sole breadwinner. We all have strengths in different areas, which is something both of us need to know and recognize. I need to be more confident of myself so that such remarks wont hurt me as much. I need to stop doubting myself. She needs to know and learn that her choice of words is a sword. It can kill. And it has alrdy affected her friendships to a certain extent. We both learnt from that episode and if anything, she is even more sticky to me these days..

8) Exercising 

- We started exercising everyday via the exercise videos on YouTube bcoz Joy has to complete at least 1 video a day to "maintain" her fitness as required by her CCA. It's nice to sweat it out with the girls. Through this, we can also see who is the more sporty kind and who is the one that has mobility disability..hahaha.. I need to get more yoga mats! Hopefully we continue this even after CB ends.

9) iPad and apple pencil 

- I bought the apple pencil when govt announced CB in view that I would do more presentation / drawings digitally. But to be honest, the pencil has been so underused for work, if any. Angela suggested sketching / digital art with it. I've tried a few times..but art is not my cup..hahaha..

I've just started to use it for journaling and taking my church notes recently and hopefully it can relinquish its white elephant status by the end of CB. Mayb this shall be the next skill I conquer.

My after thoughts 

I'm quite thankful for this circuit breaker. If anything, it has allowed me to complete/master things that I otherwise wouldn't have been able to do so. I told my BFFs that I'm actually enjoying my life now. Do a bit of work here and there, spend a lot of time with the kids, do bible study, eat and sleep. Mayb I will have a different stand when the cases/$$ are not coming in subsequently but for now, I'm enjoying the peace and my simple life. 

Shall make a list of the things I wanna do (tom) before the end of CB. Coz there's only 2 weeks left...lol

Back in April when my fringe is stil short..  

You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you.

Isaiah 26:3 NIV

https://isaiah.bible/isaiah-26-3

做人很难

Just now joy was fiddling with vera..when she said "mama, when vera grow up, she will b more useless than u.."

And at that instance, I felt like being shot a thousand times..Like 无缘无故被杀死

I asked her "Is mama very useless? I can be more useless than now, u know?"

She apologised.

But damage done. Felt like I've fallen into a bottomless pit. 

This is her nth time saying it, like its getting a little too frequent and hurting like crazy. I rem the first time was when she was my IT support helping me set up the things during my video conference (when I screwed up) and needed her backup. She probably said it out of frustration but it still hurts. Or maybe she really felt that her mom is useless. I dont know. Or mayb I really am not very useful.

Other than my job, I dont know any other skills. And my job is something that the kids find it chim to understand or able to visualise that put any meaning to it. U know.. in sch the kids know the popular occupations like teacher; lawyer; doctor etc. But what is a financial adviser ? What do they do? 

Actually I find it even more hurting after penning this.. haiz.. I dunno how I should face her and how I should stop it from happening etc. God pls grant me the wisdom to turn this into something useful, that we all can learn from this together.