Bible verse

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9 NIV https://bible.com/bible/111/jos.1.9.NIV

This was what our cell leader shared yday.. thought it was a very meaningful verse and wanted to record it down.. he was telling us how challenging it is to come to cell, with the arrival of their #2.. and despite the challenges, he just paste this verse in him..  so that he remembers to always put God in his priorities..

After cell, I reflected on myself too.. it's a shame. . Coz even though it's easier for me to go to cell, I hardly look forward to it.. I  always have a thousand excuses .. be it the girls being sick la, my mama in hosp, work etc.. and the list goes on. But today when I look at my leader, I just stand in awe of him and his wife. They don't own a car nor have a maid. Their #1 is the same age as the twins , but she is not easy. If i thought Vera was challenging , their #1 was easily double of that. Their #2 just turned 1 mth old..

So when he said how it's a struggle to come every Friday, I can totally relate to it. If it was me, I probably ask mr choo to bring one or 2 girls while I stay at home with the rest. But he came. Faithfully and certainly, week after week.

Need to remind myself to put God first in all that I do. To remember to read the bible and to lead a life worthy of Him. May the cause overcome the discomfort. May I always remember to seek God first, no matter how uncomfortable I can be.

Feeling not that good after a photo shoot.. didn't bring a black jacket for the shoot coz I was only told abt it the night before..  I had long outgrown my jackets and it's tough to find something that's my size and flattering..  haiz.. I brought my white one and in the end , was told to borrow from a guy colleague which I could barely fit. 

Felt terrible abt that..  people must have thought I'm trying to b outstanding by not adhering to the dress code..

I did rush to a shop I frequent to see if I could find anything suitable but they had stop selling suits.. 

Note to self.. either invest in one or just potang the next shoot..

This is too hurting to my soul.. 😔

And we are here at our fav PD clinic.. camping here waiting for it to open.. Grace is still not well yet and her cough seems to have worsen..

She was coughing the whole night and I only manage to zz at 230am..😭

Decided to bring her down again to see the PD but bcoz papa choo need to serve in church, it means that I need to bring her to Gleneagles in the early morning before rushing down to Mt E to settle mama hospitalization discharge and to bring her home before bringing us home.. and it's so tempting to ask papa choo to just cancel his commitments today.. trust me.. the temptation is real..  the thought of needing to drive down in the morning in the crazy traffic plus lack of zzz...

Said a silent prayer that God helped me survive the morning traffic and smoother the many errands today.

Thankfully we manage to reach the clinic at 8am, first in queue.. hopefully the PD comes in soon! Hope we survive !

Thank God for t.v. in the clinic.. I'm exhausted while waiting..  we played uno so many many times while waiting for the clinic to open..

This was my view of the girls while doing the dishes on a Monday morning. Both of them are on MC. Joy is down with gastric flu while Grace is down with fever and cough and flu. (She is the more jialat one). Nevertheless I was pretty glad to be home with them, to be able to witness these sweet moments. It's always good to have only 2 kids around.. lol. . Always felt so much easy bringing 2 around..  Mayb bcoz it's an even number , and they tend to really be nice with each other. When 3 of them are around , it always feels like war or politics going on.. ( Vera who is the healthy one is on a school excursion with papa choo)

Anyway it was nice to just take the Monday off and breathe and care for these 2 sick babies. We did some chores while papa is away. I did the dishes and emptied the trash, Grace did the laundry and joy made honey for all of us and also swept the floor.

After which, we had lunch outside , repaired Joy glasses, bought the hearing aid for papa choo and also brought them to the library.

Eventful day being mama.. taking this time to stop and enjoy the most important moments of my life - them.

Hope the girls recover soon. .

Me

I did my first night swim today, while the girls were clued to the Chingay telecast on TV.

I had gained 3 kg since the start of the yr.. argh. .( Kinda obvious from my photos) And thus needed to go back to my exercise regime. The thing abt exercising / swimming is this , before u start, there would b a thousand and one reasons why you shouldn't and don't feel like doing. But once u completed it, you feel good abt it. This happens to me all the time. . Lol..

And being someone who has PCOS also meant that one is more prone to weight gain, insulin resistant and thus diabetics. N being an emotional eater certainly didn't help.  Haha.. (I eat a lot when I'm emo.. I eat a lot more when I'm happy.. )

Anyway I'm glad I did it.. gotten do it more diligently. I need to be healthy so that I have the energy to be with my girls, to grow old with mr Choo, and enjoy our time together..

Breakfast..

Breakfast this morning..  just me and the twins.. lol..

Yes it's therapeutic to just do this once a while..  not following any routine but just spending time with the girls bcoz I want to..

Living for the NOW

Been feeling pretty emo and stressed up these few days.. I've actually wrote 2 entries abt it but they will remain in my diary for now..

The gist of it was mainly bcoz the biz has been quite quiet since the start of the yr and when tat happens it means that I have a lot of spare time in my pocket, which also means that the mind has a lot of time to wonder and when it does, usually it doesn't always look on the bright side.

I started to evaluate myself..  started to hate myself bcoz I only had 2 tasks in my life:

1) childbearing (which I'm done with it!)
2) bring $ home

And yet I couldn't fulfil the one thing that was tasked to me. All the people I know had a zillion tasks required of them and they go on with their lives and fulfil what's required. What's wrong with me!? What would become of me if even 2) seem impossible to me ? Am I still worth living ?

Those thoughts kept circulating me and haunting me these few days. And of coz the phobia of if the biz is quiet, eventually bills would b hard to cope and what happens next ?

I told mr choo my struggles and as usual , his reply was cool . . We could sell 1 house or both and downgrade. I could stop work if it always left me being insecure and he could go out to work. The thought of not working was scary enough coz me for one had no hobbies and two, doesn't really enjoy doing household activities. (Joy is actually better at it than me to b honest. I do hope the twins start following her footsteps in time to come.) And that would make me a more useless person if that arrangement pans out.

Don't get me wrong. I do enjoy and believe in the work I do. What I'm jittery abt is the "what if all the people I need to help are done? I've completed all of them and there aren't anyone left to help or meet? What would happen? Could I actually do this til I'm 60? " or the "when is my next pay check going to come? Is it enough to pay the bills ?" These thoughts always come and attack me when the spirit is weak. And I always pray and ask God..  why did He choose to put me here? Why do I have to go out of my comfort zone to meet these people? Or suffer the insecurities of not knowing when or how much my pay check would be ? Why ? Why? And even though time and time again, God has ALWAYS and certainly showed me and reaffirms His way, the me is vulnerable.

I prayed and prayed so much these 4 days but I had no solution. But While driving to my appt tonight, God spoke to me again. He says to live in the now and not worry for the future. He said if the birds don't need to worry, then why am I fretting? Why not live in the NOW, and spend some time alone with the kids? It seems so simple and I heard this bible verse so many many times. But it gives me so much peace today when I felt God speaking to me.

Shan't think too much and let things flow in its own timing. Will take things one day at a time.

Spending the morning with the twins and probably bring them for breakfast before dropping them in school instead of the routine bus. Since I'm free now, why not? If not now then when?

Penning my thoughts now so that I can refer to these when another attack comes..

P/s: praying for a friend who is in the midst of a complicated pregnancy. May the Lord be with her when she makes her decision and gives her strength to overcome the grieve and emotions. I pray that God you heal her and protect her.

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles , so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. - 2 Corinthians 1:3-4