Living for the NOW

Been feeling pretty emo and stressed up these few days.. I've actually wrote 2 entries abt it but they will remain in my diary for now..

The gist of it was mainly bcoz the biz has been quite quiet since the start of the yr and when tat happens it means that I have a lot of spare time in my pocket, which also means that the mind has a lot of time to wonder and when it does, usually it doesn't always look on the bright side.

I started to evaluate myself..  started to hate myself bcoz I only had 2 tasks in my life:

1) childbearing (which I'm done with it!)
2) bring $ home

And yet I couldn't fulfil the one thing that was tasked to me. All the people I know had a zillion tasks required of them and they go on with their lives and fulfil what's required. What's wrong with me!? What would become of me if even 2) seem impossible to me ? Am I still worth living ?

Those thoughts kept circulating me and haunting me these few days. And of coz the phobia of if the biz is quiet, eventually bills would b hard to cope and what happens next ?

I told mr choo my struggles and as usual , his reply was cool . . We could sell 1 house or both and downgrade. I could stop work if it always left me being insecure and he could go out to work. The thought of not working was scary enough coz me for one had no hobbies and two, doesn't really enjoy doing household activities. (Joy is actually better at it than me to b honest. I do hope the twins start following her footsteps in time to come.) And that would make me a more useless person if that arrangement pans out.

Don't get me wrong. I do enjoy and believe in the work I do. What I'm jittery abt is the "what if all the people I need to help are done? I've completed all of them and there aren't anyone left to help or meet? What would happen? Could I actually do this til I'm 60? " or the "when is my next pay check going to come? Is it enough to pay the bills ?" These thoughts always come and attack me when the spirit is weak. And I always pray and ask God..  why did He choose to put me here? Why do I have to go out of my comfort zone to meet these people? Or suffer the insecurities of not knowing when or how much my pay check would be ? Why ? Why? And even though time and time again, God has ALWAYS and certainly showed me and reaffirms His way, the me is vulnerable.

I prayed and prayed so much these 4 days but I had no solution. But While driving to my appt tonight, God spoke to me again. He says to live in the now and not worry for the future. He said if the birds don't need to worry, then why am I fretting? Why not live in the NOW, and spend some time alone with the kids? It seems so simple and I heard this bible verse so many many times. But it gives me so much peace today when I felt God speaking to me.

Shan't think too much and let things flow in its own timing. Will take things one day at a time.

Spending the morning with the twins and probably bring them for breakfast before dropping them in school instead of the routine bus. Since I'm free now, why not? If not now then when?

Penning my thoughts now so that I can refer to these when another attack comes..

P/s: praying for a friend who is in the midst of a complicated pregnancy. May the Lord be with her when she makes her decision and gives her strength to overcome the grieve and emotions. I pray that God you heal her and protect her.

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles , so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. - 2 Corinthians 1:3-4