Birthday celebration

I decided to pen how I celebrated my bday this yr.. actually wanted to do it last yr too..but in the end kept dragging it, n finally forgotten abt it.. eventually when my bday came this yr, i couldn't recall what I did for last yr.. so in order to remind myself, I shall pen it every yr.

This yr, the celebration started early coz my bday falls on a Sunday so Mr choo wanted to pre-celebrate with me, as well as a date for us to spend time together.

28.06.16

He brought me to Wheelers Yard for lunch, as I had casually mentioned to him a few weeks ago that it has been some time since we went to that place. As it was too early for the lunch set, he suggested that we wait it out...

See the nice pic.. but deep down I was craving for bak kut teh.. super unromantic wife.. but I managed not to tell him.. lol.. it's not easy, trust me.

We then proceeded to espa at rws for a spa. Didn't take too many pics there since it was v troublesome to take care of the phone while enjoying the nice steam baths..

Went to chomp chomp for hawker food ! Ya, my comfort food..before going home to make the kids zz.. that ends the couple date!

01.07.16
Incidentally my appts flew for this day and Mr choo suggested that we do a proper bday celebration today.. like a date again..coz the place he wanted to bring me for lunch was closed on 28th jun. So I agreed. We went back to sentosa again.. Haha.. to the lunch buffet at W hotel.. nice ambience with nice scenery.. and v quiet place.. well, i think the logical Singaporean won't drive in just to eat ba..since the food wasn't something to wow about.. okie i shall be gratefull that my huby makes the effort to bring the wife to nice places la..much as the wife is trying to be the stingy auntie and trying to make every cent count.

He also got me a present, which I was quite happy with it. Coz it was a practical gift and since the old one is quite worn out. 

After which we headed to vivo for some window shopping before going home to be with the kids.

03.07.16 (Actual Day)

As we needed to go to church today, Mr choo suggested that we do a simple lunch after church before we head home. Celebration this yr would be dinner at home.. yeah!! Honestly, to me , that was great! Coz i really prefer home cooked meals nowadays.. hahaha...and now that I'm older, bday is just another day.. at least to me la..

The kids were especially nice to me too.. haha.. I won't mind having bday everyday if i get to see them in their best behaviour... hahaha..

Simple meal by him.. 

After dinner, the kids kept asking where's the cake.. actually I, too, am curious.. as I didn't smell any baking smells these few days.. so would there be any cake? 

The creative baker thought he give a surprise to his Queen by making a strawberry strudel this yr.. when I saw him scrambling to complete his "project", tears streamed down.. although I tried to hide it la.. but when the kids started to sing the bday song, I couldn't control and the tears just kept flowing.. the kids were concerned but Mr choo says " mama is too happy, so she cried.." ya right.. as though he knows like tt.. blah blah...

 My bday pic.. not too nice coz sad face.. but strudel looks decent... haha..

After the kids zz, and I really can't tahan and tahan liaoz, I started crying and man, did I cry v jialat.. asked him why didn't he make or buy a normal cake? Told him I was disappointed that there was no proper cake.. haiz.. honestly, I also dont know what got into me.. the usual me don't usually fuss over such things. But this yr, especially this yr, I really hope to have a cake, with the many candles and everyone celebrating together as a family.. hahaha.. but Mr choo surprised me in a way that I wasn't expecting.. in fact, I cried so hard that he asked if he should get one now.. which I told him there was no need to, since the kids have zz, and even so it would have passed midnight. 

Even when I was telling my colleagues over lunch  the next day, I was kinda emotional still.. haiz.. muz be the hormones.. nevertheless, I'm thankful for them, to be able to relate to them, and be sane.. what an eventful 35!

Despite all the drama, I did see a cake 2 days later..yeah! so happy!

We sang so many times of the birthday song and blow the candle again and again coz the twins insisted that my bday was over and it was theirs! hahahaha.. but it was fun doing it 4 times.. all the girls are happy and the man is happy when his girls are happy.. happy ending!

Happy 10th !

10.06.2016 

Lord I want to thank  you for today. 1 more day and it will b 10 yrs of married life! I never would have imagine that I would be so blessed to have found Mr. Choo, who is my soul mate & perfect puzzle to complete me. Never would I know that 10 yrs later, I would still be married to the same guy (Haha!) & with 3 beautiful children. I too have changed so much since then.

I rem being the avid traveller where the purpose of living was solely for travelling, good food & enjoyment. I rem being the emo adviser where every other week is like a roller coaster, always contemplating quitting and moving on to other things in life. I rem being the spendthrift where I take cabs every time I closed a case, or strictly bringing Joy to restaurants only for meals coz i felt that food courts were too crowded or chaotic.

I rem things start to change when I got married. I rem things start to change when I allowed God to take control. I rem attending church and coming back to God when I was heavily pregnant. Slowly slowly God changed me. Now, I no longer feel the need to travel. I still have the roller coasters but not as often. Weekend meals with the kids are usually at food courts coz we want to teach the kids to live within out means, living simply. I take trains and buses nowadays, and drive only occasionally. The me now no longer wears fancy watches or spend  $$ on clothes/shoes/bags. The me now is not lacking in anything, filled with God's love and not requiring anything.

As I look back I won't be able to believe that all these would be possible. How amazing it is, to feel full and not lacking in anything. Thank God for making my life complete, that I no longer need to chase after material possessions in order to make myself happy. I'm complete bcoz of You. Thank God for bringing me back home. 

10 Jesus answered her, “If you knew the gift of God and who it is that asks you for a drink, you would have asked him and he would have given you living water.”
11 “Sir,” the woman said, “you have nothing to draw with and the well is deep. Where can you get this living water? 12 Are you greater than our father Jacob, who gave us the well and drank from it himself, as did also his sons and his livestock?”13 Jesus answered, “Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again,14 but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life.” John 4:10-13 

We did a pre celebration on 8th jun coz 11th jun was a Saturday, where we would be busy shuttling the kids with their enrichment classes and activities. Had a simple buffet lunch, before going to Gardens by the Bay for some jalan jalan.

* While waiting to enter the lunch premises

* What he got for us.. i was the unromantic one who paid for lunch, since I didn't get him anything. 

* At gardens by the Bay, just the 2 of us. Really love how my hp camera which made me look so pretty..hahaha...

11.06.16 came and things were the same as usual. There was no elaborate celebration coz it was a Saturday and Saturdays r usually a hectic day driving the kids everywhere for their classes. I rem that I wanted a banquet for our 10th anniversary, to be able to wear the gown again. But we didn't la.. coz i didn't felt that it was necessary. I did however went to look back at our wedding photos.. haha.. the time when I felt so slim and young..haha....

 * Us laying down at the beach in Sentosa, and trying to look cute..haha...

*Us now, while waiting for the kids to finish their enrichment classes; having char kway teow for snack.. haha... Mr choo trying to look uncle while I'm trying to act as pretty as possible..haha.. love how he dotes on me and ever so grateful for him in my life. 

On Friends & Meet Ups

               Recently a friend whom I haven't seen for > 8 yrs, contacted me again. She suggested doing lunch around my office area, just to catch up. It sounded very strange to me; for someone whom I haven't met for so long, to not only re-establish contact, but also offered a meet up at a place of my convenience. The skeptical me immediately rise all alerts, but agreed nonetheless coz she was a pretty close friend from the old days. The initial thoughts were either:

1. She's going to sell me something
2. She has an incurable disease and simply want to touch base with everyone before she leaves this world
3. She wanna know more about my work

It was none of the above. She simply wholeheartedly wanted to reconnect! I felt so bad with all my evil thoughts!

The last time I saw her during Joy's babyshower. And that was also after not seeing her for several years and when I gave birth, she texted me, just to offer some helpful tips on parenting & words of encouragement. But I didn't manage to see her after that gathering. Why not? I'm not sure either. Probably I was too engrossed with parenting and my work that I forgot? But I was thankful that she took the 1st step; to reconnect back. The lunch was good, simply reminiscing on old days and catching up on who's with who etc. It felt like we didn't part. And I guess friends from school are always special, coz they represent the times when we were still innocent, unpolluted by the desires of the world.

In fact, I was overwhelmed by her love for me. :) I mean, as one ages, friends' worthy ones, become lesser. Everyone's busy with their own stuff, and being nice with no hidden agenda seem rare. There always seem to have some strings attached. But today, I met someone from the past, someone who was pure and innocent, someone who simply wanted to catch up, as we try to recall bits & pieces of memories. Things that we did in the past seem so childish now, even though it meant the world to us back then.

Thankful for finding a gem today. THankful that she chose to take that 1st step (coz i wouldn't dare). She told me also that she contacted another friend (whom I'm still meeting up regularly), and that friend says to meet her only after july! Wow! I wouldn't have the courage to accept such replies!

Here's a pic of us then, and now. Can't rem when was the then, but I believe it was a school trip to M'sia.

Our daily bread

As I was waiting this morning for an appt to arrive, I looked thru the week's schedule and started to panic. This week is a very relaxing week and next week is an empty week. Before I start over reacting and go to a full panic mode, I decided to look thru our daily bread, which is something I try to do regularly.

The verse today is on 2 Chronicles 20:12, where the King, even though he is facing his enemies, choose to look at the Lord, and have trust in Him. The story unfolds and shows God unfailing reliability and how the war is won even without a fight.

How sweet the story is and how suitable it is for me. I've always wondered why God placed me here , for an introvert to be in the sales line, for someone who doesn't even enjoy being in the limelight , or even in crowds. But He chose me, to do what He has planned, so that plain Jane can do well in the sales job, so that others know that it is only possible because of Him.

I've always wanted to share with others my testimony but always I find it a struggle, to strike a balance between hard selling God and sounding insane, vs giving God his due credits. So in the end, I didn't. Which isn't what it should b. God I pray to you, that you give me the words to touch the lives of others so that they come to know you Lord. God I pray that you give me the wisdom to speak the right words to my clients, to share with them about You and also how important it is to start planning on earth and also for the future (Heaven). Lord, everything when i feel lost, I pray that you strengthen my faith and guide me in yr ways, that when people see my struggles, they see your works in me too. Lord, I pray for my friends who are nursing a broken heart that you mend their hurts and you made them complete again.  I pray that they will get to know you Lord, in Jesus name I pray, amen!

Our God, will you not judge them? For we have no power to face this vast army that is attacking us. We do not know what to do, but our eyes are on you. - 2 Chronicles 20:12

Post- Retirement

Following my heart to heart talk with joy, i began to explore seriously on the aspect of stopping work completely; aka retireing. The initial thoughts were excitement and curious. I mean, to really liquidate all the assets and perhaps buy a 3 room flat with the monies from CPF. Then hold the balance in cash and slowly deplete it till the day we passes on.. would that be doable?

I started to go thru my household expenses, "the needs" expenses that cant be removed and "the wants" that we can do without. I went thru the assets and their potential cash values as well. Anyway, that's a tedious process, which I will be doing.

What do I do when I retire?
In the meantime, i also started to think how will i spend my remaining days if I were to retire now.

Things to do after retirement:

1.  zzz till shiok and wake up at lunch time to pick Joy
2. Watch Korean drama till shiok when the kids are sleeping
3. Be a housewife and starting learning how to cook and do the housework
4. Volunteer either @ PL/ Charity organization / church
5. Open a biz completely not related to what I'm doing now
6. Pick up a hobby

As I list down the things I can / want to do after retirement, I realize something. These aren't the things I really want/ enjoy doing. Well, at least not things I want to do for the next 50 years. No, I shouldn't be wasting my life like that and becoming obsolete even earlier than most of the retirees right? I realized something even more profound, not realizing before I even start on this entry: I am currently doing what I'm most passionate about, the thing I enjoy most doing:

Financial Advisory

Much as I don't want to admit, but these days of soul/ post retirement searching made me realize that I'm actually already in the work that I enjoy most. As I come to this realization, I also told william that it actually took Joy to make me realize that the sole reason why I'm doing what I'm doing now is because I started this work because I wanted to help others. But maybe it's the many years of doing the same thing, or the recent long working hrs, that resulted in me forgetting about it entirely, or the recent Depression attack, that made me dread it so much. But yes, I do enjoy my advisory work. And yes, I do not see myself working in any other job other than this. Nonetheless, I'm thankful for the realization. It has made me more at peace with myself, and relieved me of the stress of working. So yes, working for another 50 yrs here or till further notice.

Thankful for God, who is always here with us and guiding us through the journey. :)

On Depression

I've always tried to blog more on happy events than on depressing ones, coz I've always feel like if I were to pass , I would want to be remembered as one that is always joyful despite all circumstances. But the Easter weekend was extremely difficult for me. Depression has hit me and hit me hard it has. D has made a comeback. I've always struggled with it, and my job doesn't make it easier as the job deals with rejection/ disappointments/ expectations/ waiting.

As I recall one of the more jialat incidents, it was when I had joy. The struggles of being a first time parent, problems of breastfeeding and the effects of post natal made me crumple. I wanted to die then. I wanted to jump or hurt myself coz the pains from depression was so hard that I wonder if hurting myself physically would divert/ transfer my pain.

Fast forward a few yrs and I rem the struggles of infertility made me slipped into D again. I rem crying when I see pregnant women, or hearing some person I know who is preg. I rem being devastated when it rained, it felt as though God cried together with me in my struggles. I rem asking God to bring me Home coz living was painful. And still I survived. I rem walking out of it first even before I embarked on my IVF journey.  I rem entrusting all to the Lord and by doing so, I fared better dealing with injections than with hormone pills during my infertile journey.

Depression has made a come-back again and on the Easter weekend.  I don't know if it's been breeding for a long time it was it the long weekend or the hormones. But it consumed me on Sunday, on unsuspecting me, when I didn't seem to be facing any major issues / struggles in life, but juz trying to get on with my routine normal life. It has decided to visit an old friend. I had planned and wanted to do many activities with the kids since it was the long weekend. We did many activities , but things didn't go smoothly. In fact it seems like all the things that could go wrong, went wrong that weekend. They were quarrelling , whining and there were many episodes. I was snapping at the girls now and then, and acting like a mad mama on the street. It got so much that by the nth time, I told them to kill each other if they couldn't live with each other. I was tired of it all. I was tired of them not appreciating the efforts made to bring them out, the things they hv in life, tired of always falling short of what they want as a mama. By the time they sleep on Sunday night, I had completely lost it. I was crying v hard at not being a gd mom, @ not giving them enough time and patience; @ not filling their schedule with more fun filling actives before sch reopens.

I cried hard. I wanted to die. Again.  I thought maybe it would b better for the kids to have a new mama. I wanted to end it. I told mr choo that he could remarry if I die; or he could live a rich man's life with the insurance monies. He didn't over react. He took it calmly. He was there reassuring me. It was as if God placed him there, to make sure I didn't do anything foolish. He was with me as I cried buckets n buckets, me not knowing why.

I told him I wasn't happy with juz letting the kids go thru childhood on a routine, we should do more things for them and with them and not juz leave it to the sch. I wanted them to learn baking with the dad, or picnic or character building; and not juz routine parenting ie, making them eat ; bathe and sleep parenting. I rem when I grow up even though my parents were poor and we live simply, my mom made sure that we had the right values growing up. Suddenly the expectations of being a parent hit me and I had problems dealing with it.

Mr choo agreed and we now embark on agreed new phrase of parenting. We brought the kids to cycle and picnic yday. Everything went well and I also taught the girls a lesson on appreciating the things we have in life vs complaining on the things we don't have. Also had a heart to heart talk with joy , who had become increasingly less tolerant of her twin sisters. Yes, the girl who prayed and prayed for a younger sibling is telling me she's regretting it every now and then. I told her that if I only have xx no. Of hours everyday and if she wants it solely hers, I will quit my job, sell the 2 houses, sell the car and we can move to a rented hdb. I told her that I have limited resources and if she really needs me full time in her growing yrs, I'm prepared to give up all these earthly possessions for all. I think it hit her, it hit me as well. And yes, I'm prepared to quit my work and live life simply. But this means that all of them have to be prepared for some sacrifices as well. I was glad that I got it off my chest, honestly. I was tried of working so hard and feeling so guilty of not spending time with the girls. I was tired of being in the rat race , always earning not enough to pay the bills. And yes, I'm prepared to live simply. If this means teaching the girls the value of money and enjoying life's simple pleasures. Yes we can do this. Joy teared. I don't know if it was because of the thought of no holidays or public transport everywhere or maybe having mama 24/7 caused it. But I hope she understand.

I'm tired of tahaning it all. I shall face my weaknesses as they come. Be it work,emo, spiritual. I will have the faith that God is with us and He will carry me in my fight with D. And in all circumstances, I will give thanks. 

I will die one day, but not today.

10-5-0

This afternoon I posted a question to joy..

Me : Joy, shall mummy have another baby next yr? Then it will b 10-5-0? 5 yrs gap each among u all?

Joy: A funny yet vicious stare.. those u c on Korean dramas

Joy: Mummy !

Me: what's more , with that we will have 2 pigs, 2 roosters and 2 dragons in the household? Wouldn't that be lovely ?

Joy: Is it so easy to be pregnant ?

Mr choo : hmm.. I've got 8 more yrs at PL  (pri).. If we have another one then it's 12 yrs leh.. don't wan la..

At this point I burst out laughing. . Hahaha... no la, we are not having another one.. 3 is enough.. although it seems interesting to have each child at 5 yrs gap.. it's interesting to know tt the twins are at the stage when joy was at, when we were doing our IVF. . So fast time flies..and I always feel tt twins seem younger than joy when she was at this age. Joy was always the mature 老大 in the family.  How bless we are to have her as our firstborn. It is so true that because she has made parenting seems so easy (at least in the initial yrs ) ; I would have the courage to have another child.

Anyway even though it seems nice to have 2 of the Chinese animals in the family, it's not a very strong reason to have #4.

I juz want to enjoy the rest of my time with Mr choo and the 3 girls.. to travel and play and cry together, 3 is enough.