I had wanted to do this entry a while le, but didnt have time to start penning it down. I thought it would be good to list down the reasons why I so desperately want another child; especially despite the fact that I already had Joy.
All along, I resisted adoption or even IVF coz I thought since I had joy le, it didnt seem a strong urge to require desperate measure ya? You know, maybe we really should have 顺其自然? Untill just last week, when I was at Joy's PD Clinic, I bumped into this lady who was trying to have a casual conversation with me. She asked me if I only has 1, which I nodded. Then her almost immediate reply was, once her first child was 18mths, she went back to production mode, so that her #2 can serve as companion to #1. I think the reason why I didnt wanna do adoption or IVF, was becoz I feel that if the sole reason for having a #2, is so tat he/she can b company to #1, then it didnt seem to b a good enough reason? Or am I right? Then I started to re-ponder my thoughts.. as in back to the days before i was pregnant.. and back then, my thoughts were the same... either have 2 and more, or not have any, coz a single child might be too lonely... and when we are gone next time, the child will be all alone in this world...
then it all seem legitimate.. it's not that I'm not gonna love my #2 and more..it's just that it's always been our plans to have many...
anyway, my reasons for trying IVF are as follows:
1) Joy wants a sibling
2) William wants more children
3) I love 1) & 2) so much that I'm willing to do it for them
4) Should one day when wiliam and I are not ard, Joy will not be too lonely.
Friday, July 8, 2011
Monday, July 4, 2011
Happy 30th birthday!
Had lunchie w uncle pig n joy at beanstro at MBS.. He had wanted to do the pizza place we did for our wedding anniversary but I wanted something different..so we decided on Beanstro - a F&B by Coffee Bean ... food was okie, nice n much cheaper than the pizza place.. Haha.. N it was really quite nice.. Anyway both joy n I were more interested in the cake after the meal.. Haha..
It's a big strawberry tart! I had mentioned it a long time ago when hubz was still at his baking sch tat I hope one day my bday cake would b juz a big strawberry tart! He remembered! As I made my bday wish n blew out the candle, tears simply trickled down my cheek.. Tears of joy la.. Tt happiness could b so simple.. N I couldnt stop.. Kinda embarrassing thou.. But looking at these two impt pple in my life, I was happy, at peace n satisfied.. I was thankful tat God had given them to me.. How undeserving of me to have these two pple loving me n showering me with unconditional love.. N as these thoughts flashed thru my mind, my tears gushed like no tomorrow.. It was amazing how a simple birthday celebration within the 3 of us, could be so happy, so filled with emotions. I had always thought that entering the big 3, I would want a big PARTY to celebrate... but I guess God and Uncle Pig had other plans... it was a simple birthday celebration, yet a happy one... =)
Lord I thank you for everything tat has happened.. N I really should count my blessings! To have a wonderful hubz, and an independent 4yr old who at her age seems to be taking care more of me than the other way round.. Lord, I also thank you for putting us thru infertility , I thank you for trusting in us tat we'll b able to handle it bcoz I know tat all tasks given by You are definitely manageable for us..
As my bday draws to a close, another impt chapter will await us.. Lord, I pray for Yr protection and guidance in this journey, tat U give us strength to continue this journey, tat thru this, our faith may b strengthen as well as thru this, may we be Yr mouthpieces to spread your goodness..
It's a big strawberry tart! I had mentioned it a long time ago when hubz was still at his baking sch tat I hope one day my bday cake would b juz a big strawberry tart! He remembered! As I made my bday wish n blew out the candle, tears simply trickled down my cheek.. Tears of joy la.. Tt happiness could b so simple.. N I couldnt stop.. Kinda embarrassing thou.. But looking at these two impt pple in my life, I was happy, at peace n satisfied.. I was thankful tat God had given them to me.. How undeserving of me to have these two pple loving me n showering me with unconditional love.. N as these thoughts flashed thru my mind, my tears gushed like no tomorrow.. It was amazing how a simple birthday celebration within the 3 of us, could be so happy, so filled with emotions. I had always thought that entering the big 3, I would want a big PARTY to celebrate... but I guess God and Uncle Pig had other plans... it was a simple birthday celebration, yet a happy one... =)
Lord I thank you for everything tat has happened.. N I really should count my blessings! To have a wonderful hubz, and an independent 4yr old who at her age seems to be taking care more of me than the other way round.. Lord, I also thank you for putting us thru infertility , I thank you for trusting in us tat we'll b able to handle it bcoz I know tat all tasks given by You are definitely manageable for us..
As my bday draws to a close, another impt chapter will await us.. Lord, I pray for Yr protection and guidance in this journey, tat U give us strength to continue this journey, tat thru this, our faith may b strengthen as well as thru this, may we be Yr mouthpieces to spread your goodness..
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Emo Part II...
Juz came back from a short getaway and ended up being more tired than before the trip.. the trip was okie, fun and relaxing... but anyway, will blog abt that in another entry altogether...
Have been re-tinking about my IVF decision this couple of hours... it's the uneasiness, and I'm not even sure if this is the way that I wanna go about it.. Does God want to see that happening too? What if this is all not meant to be? Maybe God feels that this is not His plan for me? Maybe in His grand master plan, Joy would grow up to be an only child?
Haiz.. feeling a lot of maybes and whatifs and dont know how I should proceed from here? SHould I juz back out from the whole thing & move on in life? Anyway, there's a lot of pple who only have 1 child and are contented with that? Or should I go back to the adoption waiting list? Or maybe I should juz try my own ways to source for a child available for adoption? Or should I just go ahead with the IVF, the 60 injections and see how it goes? WOuld that be the way for me?
What if after a failed cycle, I tried several more cycles and cant seem to pull myself out of it? I dont know why but even before starting, I've never really imagined myself as having it successful? Would that be a self-fulfilling prophency? But if I were to imagine hitting it right on the first cycle, and if it turned out otherwise, I think the blow would be even harder and greater than imagined?
I know for sure that God didnt intend for Joy to be an only child.. I also know that God didnt want me to suffer the pains... then if that's the case, then how?? How God? God, I cry out to you, and I pray that you hear my cries.. God, I pray for your protection, for your covering upon me and my family, that we will be able to survive this journey altogether.. Lord, I do not know yr plans and yr reasons for doing certain things, but I remember that U love all yr children.. And this verse suddenly pass thru my mind:
Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. 8 For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.
9 “Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? 10 Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? 11 If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! 12 So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets. - Matthew 7:7
Have been re-tinking about my IVF decision this couple of hours... it's the uneasiness, and I'm not even sure if this is the way that I wanna go about it.. Does God want to see that happening too? What if this is all not meant to be? Maybe God feels that this is not His plan for me? Maybe in His grand master plan, Joy would grow up to be an only child?
Haiz.. feeling a lot of maybes and whatifs and dont know how I should proceed from here? SHould I juz back out from the whole thing & move on in life? Anyway, there's a lot of pple who only have 1 child and are contented with that? Or should I go back to the adoption waiting list? Or maybe I should juz try my own ways to source for a child available for adoption? Or should I just go ahead with the IVF, the 60 injections and see how it goes? WOuld that be the way for me?
What if after a failed cycle, I tried several more cycles and cant seem to pull myself out of it? I dont know why but even before starting, I've never really imagined myself as having it successful? Would that be a self-fulfilling prophency? But if I were to imagine hitting it right on the first cycle, and if it turned out otherwise, I think the blow would be even harder and greater than imagined?
I know for sure that God didnt intend for Joy to be an only child.. I also know that God didnt want me to suffer the pains... then if that's the case, then how?? How God? God, I cry out to you, and I pray that you hear my cries.. God, I pray for your protection, for your covering upon me and my family, that we will be able to survive this journey altogether.. Lord, I do not know yr plans and yr reasons for doing certain things, but I remember that U love all yr children.. And this verse suddenly pass thru my mind:
Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. 8 For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.
9 “Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? 10 Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? 11 If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! 12 So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets. - Matthew 7:7
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Emo..
This morning while driving to work, I asked Uncle Pig what if the IVF mixed-up happened to us too? His immediate reply was " it's still our kid & it's God's way.." Tears simply well in my eyes.. I can feel the beginning of my emo journey.. Fearful but anticipating too..
Yesterday at the clinic, our record showed that our last consultation was last Oct n it's been 8mths..
Am I crazy to embark on this again? Have I forgotten the pains & agonies we suffered back then? I rem juz recently tat I was so relieved tt this all was juz a thing of the past, but now we're going to start another cycle AGAIN...
I asked Uncle Pig if we were defying God's way by going ahead.. N his reply was simple yet comforting " Even if IVF is successful, I hope we will still adopt as planned" . Which I agreed! It's not a case of ours vs adopted but more of the queue of prospective mothers waiting for an adopted child is much longer.. According to the agency, even after completing the report, there's a long waiting list for prospective parents n the wait could go as long as 5 yrs! And it muz b agonizing for these pple too.. Coz they muz hv tried all means before coming to this route n I didn't want to compete with them, since I've already had Joy n there were other alternatives tat I could try..
So currently, Uncle Pig and I will try IVF.. But we will also prepare our adoption procedures.. And if God is willing, we will be more than willing to accept as many children in our household as possible..
P/s: Please pray for us, that if it is in God's way, smoothen the whole process n bless us with another
addition(s) soon...
Yesterday at the clinic, our record showed that our last consultation was last Oct n it's been 8mths..
Am I crazy to embark on this again? Have I forgotten the pains & agonies we suffered back then? I rem juz recently tat I was so relieved tt this all was juz a thing of the past, but now we're going to start another cycle AGAIN...
I asked Uncle Pig if we were defying God's way by going ahead.. N his reply was simple yet comforting " Even if IVF is successful, I hope we will still adopt as planned" . Which I agreed! It's not a case of ours vs adopted but more of the queue of prospective mothers waiting for an adopted child is much longer.. According to the agency, even after completing the report, there's a long waiting list for prospective parents n the wait could go as long as 5 yrs! And it muz b agonizing for these pple too.. Coz they muz hv tried all means before coming to this route n I didn't want to compete with them, since I've already had Joy n there were other alternatives tat I could try..
So currently, Uncle Pig and I will try IVF.. But we will also prepare our adoption procedures.. And if God is willing, we will be more than willing to accept as many children in our household as possible..
P/s: Please pray for us, that if it is in God's way, smoothen the whole process n bless us with another
addition(s) soon...
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Waiting..
好紧张哦！真希望时间快点过啊！又怕又想知道医生会说什么。我是不是应该现在还可以走，快点走能？
Lord I pray to you tat you give me the peace and strength to go thru all these. Lord, I pray tt you help me thru all these.. Lord, I am truly sorry for going ahead of it without listening.. Lord, I pray tat U deliver me from all these.. Kinda regret my 冲动ness yesterday.. Lord I leave all in your hands - amen
Lord I pray to you tat you give me the peace and strength to go thru all these. Lord, I pray tt you help me thru all these.. Lord, I am truly sorry for going ahead of it without listening.. Lord, I pray tat U deliver me from all these.. Kinda regret my 冲动ness yesterday.. Lord I leave all in your hands - amen
Dear God
Dear God,
I'm writing to you now because it's only a few more hours before I go c the gynae.. I know that I should have done it earlier, I should have prayed before making the appt and I should have place this completely in Yr hands. Lord, much as I'm willing, a part of me is worried. Worried that if I turn to You, you will say No in yr gentle voice, worried that you will not grant this tiny wish of yr beloved child. It's a struggle, a struggle to wait, a struggle not to do anything.
Lord, I know that man can only do this much, but God, you are the Almighty and the Creator of all and if You are willing, it will be done, effortlessly. Lord, I know it's wrong for me to do this, but even if this is a journey of no returns, I would still want to do it. I know and I only pray that you grant me the peace, when I go for my appt later as well as my TTC journey. Lord, I pray for forgiveness, and I pray that you carry me in this difficult path and I pray that you soften the journey outcome..
I'm writing to you now because it's only a few more hours before I go c the gynae.. I know that I should have done it earlier, I should have prayed before making the appt and I should have place this completely in Yr hands. Lord, much as I'm willing, a part of me is worried. Worried that if I turn to You, you will say No in yr gentle voice, worried that you will not grant this tiny wish of yr beloved child. It's a struggle, a struggle to wait, a struggle not to do anything.
Lord, I know that man can only do this much, but God, you are the Almighty and the Creator of all and if You are willing, it will be done, effortlessly. Lord, I know it's wrong for me to do this, but even if this is a journey of no returns, I would still want to do it. I know and I only pray that you grant me the peace, when I go for my appt later as well as my TTC journey. Lord, I pray for forgiveness, and I pray that you carry me in this difficult path and I pray that you soften the journey outcome..
One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.
Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,
other times there was one only.
This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life,
when I was suffering from anguish,
sorrow or defeat,
I could see only one set of footprints,
so I said to the Lord,
“You promised me Lord,
that if I followed you,
you would walk with me always.
But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life
there has only been one set of footprints in the sand.
Why, when I needed you most, have you not been there for me?”
The Lord replied,
“The years when you have seen only one set of footprints,
my child, is when I carried you.”
Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.
Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,
other times there was one only.
This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life,
when I was suffering from anguish,
sorrow or defeat,
I could see only one set of footprints,
so I said to the Lord,
“You promised me Lord,
that if I followed you,
you would walk with me always.
But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life
there has only been one set of footprints in the sand.
Why, when I needed you most, have you not been there for me?”
The Lord replied,
“The years when you have seen only one set of footprints,
my child, is when I carried you.”
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Impulsive Act
This morning as I was driving to office, a feeling/thought came to me again.. in fact, it's been nudging me for quite some time.. - to give IVF a shot! Gasp! Did I really say that? Did I really want that? Or am I hallucinating again? Arrgh... this feeling's been tempting me yet again.. esp when my work has kinda close for this banding year, and I'm kinda free, after settling my existing cases... so yes, i'm free.. and yes, i'm letting my thoughts run wild again...
While driving today, I even thought about my twins! Can you believe it? OMG... it's like daydreaming.. you feel so good while at it..but the world falls apart as soon as you reach sanity. Haiz... Anyway, I concluded that I was too free now.. and maybe a holiday will help to relieve me instead... and yes, we are going to a short gateaway this Sun.. 主啊！请你救我啊！
Anyway, I brought my thoughts along to lunch with Uncle Pig.. we had shabu shabu (great! Comfort food!), and in the midst of it, he saw my thoughts wondered off.. haiz... and I told him, that maybe we could try IVF and have twins? hahaha.. it sounded completely absurd.. i mean, to have one successful is quite impossible, and to have twins? Not forgetting that we still have our normal bills and logistics and HB to trouble with...
And darling Uncle Pig actually replied.. " I know if you never try it, you will always live in regret. If you are willing, let's do it. " I told him that if we really were to do it, it would mean that he would be at the suffering end of my emotional rollercoasters, and I asked him if he was prepared for it. To which he replied yes.
You know, how things in life are, when we indeed need to try it for ourselves, then we realise and experience it, then we close the chapter and move on? “要撞墙才会知道痛吗？” It's just like in the past, when I wanted to do an exchange program in my uni days, and even though he know that I won't be able to survive, he agreed to it. He knew that our r/s would suffer if I go, but he agreed to it. During our wedding preparations, he wanted a simple quiet event, but I wanted to announce to the world, and he agreed to do it my way. He agreed to all, because he knows that if I don't do it, I will always think about it, and I will have regrets. Even though recently, I told him that I wished we didnt do such a big wedding then, he simply laughed it off and say that if we didnt had a big wedding then, most probably, I would continue to nag at him till this date.. haha.. so true... the same applies for IVF too.. i guess.. i most probably will regret it subsequently, when I suffer from the heartaches and the failures.. but if I dont do it, this thought of mine will persist on and on...
So at that juncture, I did an impulse action! I called the clinic, and they were able to slot us in for an appt this thur! Yesh! This thurs! My gynae, the ever- long waiting list. The nice receptionist was able to slot us in this thur.. and I even discussed with william, maybe we can even do in July! And if it's not successful, then maybe we will mourn in Sept-Nov... and life will restart back to normal after that? Ahhh... really impulse hor.. Maybe I'm just like Eve, who's ever so curious to taste the forbidden fruit, at the expense of the world.. haiz.. I know I'm the disobedient child, to ignore everything, and to go with my heart.. but God, I pray for your mercy and annointing. Lord, I pray that you grant me success. Lord, I pray that you have mercy on us, and give us the children that we deeply yearn for.. Lord, I know that all things are possible, if it's in yr way.. Lord, I beg you... that you give us the gift, that we want.. 主啊，可不可以给我这个小小的请求？可能我很倔强，可能我的请求很unreasonable, 可是这就是我今年的birthday request..
- Amen -
Looking forward to the appt on Thur..Lord, if it's not in yr way, I pray that you let the gynae know.. and that he won't permit us to do it.. Lord, I pray that you help us in this situation..
While driving today, I even thought about my twins! Can you believe it? OMG... it's like daydreaming.. you feel so good while at it..but the world falls apart as soon as you reach sanity. Haiz... Anyway, I concluded that I was too free now.. and maybe a holiday will help to relieve me instead... and yes, we are going to a short gateaway this Sun.. 主啊！请你救我啊！
Anyway, I brought my thoughts along to lunch with Uncle Pig.. we had shabu shabu (great! Comfort food!), and in the midst of it, he saw my thoughts wondered off.. haiz... and I told him, that maybe we could try IVF and have twins? hahaha.. it sounded completely absurd.. i mean, to have one successful is quite impossible, and to have twins? Not forgetting that we still have our normal bills and logistics and HB to trouble with...
And darling Uncle Pig actually replied.. " I know if you never try it, you will always live in regret. If you are willing, let's do it. " I told him that if we really were to do it, it would mean that he would be at the suffering end of my emotional rollercoasters, and I asked him if he was prepared for it. To which he replied yes.
You know, how things in life are, when we indeed need to try it for ourselves, then we realise and experience it, then we close the chapter and move on? “要撞墙才会知道痛吗？” It's just like in the past, when I wanted to do an exchange program in my uni days, and even though he know that I won't be able to survive, he agreed to it. He knew that our r/s would suffer if I go, but he agreed to it. During our wedding preparations, he wanted a simple quiet event, but I wanted to announce to the world, and he agreed to do it my way. He agreed to all, because he knows that if I don't do it, I will always think about it, and I will have regrets. Even though recently, I told him that I wished we didnt do such a big wedding then, he simply laughed it off and say that if we didnt had a big wedding then, most probably, I would continue to nag at him till this date.. haha.. so true... the same applies for IVF too.. i guess.. i most probably will regret it subsequently, when I suffer from the heartaches and the failures.. but if I dont do it, this thought of mine will persist on and on...
So at that juncture, I did an impulse action! I called the clinic, and they were able to slot us in for an appt this thur! Yesh! This thurs! My gynae, the ever- long waiting list. The nice receptionist was able to slot us in this thur.. and I even discussed with william, maybe we can even do in July! And if it's not successful, then maybe we will mourn in Sept-Nov... and life will restart back to normal after that? Ahhh... really impulse hor.. Maybe I'm just like Eve, who's ever so curious to taste the forbidden fruit, at the expense of the world.. haiz.. I know I'm the disobedient child, to ignore everything, and to go with my heart.. but God, I pray for your mercy and annointing. Lord, I pray that you grant me success. Lord, I pray that you have mercy on us, and give us the children that we deeply yearn for.. Lord, I know that all things are possible, if it's in yr way.. Lord, I beg you... that you give us the gift, that we want.. 主啊，可不可以给我这个小小的请求？可能我很倔强，可能我的请求很unreasonable, 可是这就是我今年的birthday request..
- Amen -
Looking forward to the appt on Thur..Lord, if it's not in yr way, I pray that you let the gynae know.. and that he won't permit us to do it.. Lord, I pray that you help us in this situation..
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