Emotional warfare

My period came and that probably explains all the emotional turmoil I went thru the last few days. Decided that I should still go to the gym as planned. Packed and got ready. It was great to sweat it out, even though I was worried that it wasn’t droplets of perspiration oozing out.. hahahaha.. glad that I did it. Felt extremely proud of myself. Sense of relief that my period is finally here. Somehow my hormones have been acting up in recent mths and as much as I try my best to prevent it from happening, it’s hard. 

This mth, I felt so inadequate, and not doing enough. Felt that no matter how hard I tried, I was not good enough. Not good compared to xxx or yyy. (I know I shouldn’t look left or right, but compared to myself alone). But the hormones are playing tricks to my mind and just a week ago, I had believed them. 

That was then. 

Fast forward to now. Last night, while I was still in BKK, the word “contentment” whispered into my ears. Contentment - a state of happiness and satisfaction. The bible says 1 Timothy 6:6-12 But godliness with contentment is great gain. For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it. But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that.

Not saying that I wouldn’t push myself. I will. But I want to remember to be contented with whatever the end results it brings, bcoz God is in control. He knows what I need, and what is required. Might not necessarily give me all that I asked for, but whatever He gives will be perfect for me. 

I’m sure I’ll forget all these in 3 weeks time when the hormones start stirring again. Penning this down so that I can use it for my warfare in time to come. 

Yeah it’s over !

Went to the gym this morning. Figured I needed the distraction and the release of happy hormones to calm myself down. I will be doing a sharing coz it’s my scheduled turn. It still gets to me, like what will happen if advisers feel meh after hearing me, or worse walk out halfway of my presentation. And the nerves eat me alive. The last time it was me l, I was too busy with other things, that I didn’t have time to let the nerves do their job. Hahahaha.. I guess this is going to be the norm, more sharing, more presentations and more talking. 

When will I ever get used to this? When can I stop emotional eating whenever an event like this happen? I told Angela that I was so nervous that I think I can eat a cow for breakfast! I even told myself that I’ll order my comfort toast on top of the usual eggs +kopi. Carried my battlepack to Hong Lim and realize my fav breakfast uncle is on a holiday! And he will only b back after I fly to Athens 🤪🤪🤪

And I legit went to see if there were cheat options. It would h nice if we could really have some beef soup for breakfast.. hahahaha.. Oh well, and then I had this. 

It was okie, fills my hunger, but not satisfying. Oh well.. hopefully lunch will b yummy! 

Continuing my post from yday, you know.. as much as I worry Uncle will leave before me, there is always a possibility that the reverse happens. That I leave prematurely, and when that happens, what do I want to be remembered as? 

The whole thing abt death just got me thinking. If I passes, I hope to be remembered as someone so willing to share her wisdom, love and time with. Someone who is willing to tell stories to pick them up, or encourage someone. And hopefully God gives me enough time to do all these. 

Going to crawl up to office. God, may your will be done. May you be with me, as I walk the difficult steps. I know You are God and nothing is impossible in ur eyes. In Jesus name I pray, Amen!

And this is me again. After my presentation and my lunch appt with one of my babies. I wouldn’t say lunch wasn’t without stress. It’s not her, it’s me. I just need to get used to knowing more people. So many things to learn. 😜

Angela brought some nice home made cinnamon rolls for me too. So truly blessed by her. I know she didn’t need this training, but she came nonetheless coz she guess I needed the team support.. hahahah.. feeling so loved! 🥰

Thankful for how things penned out. 

How much time do we have?

不知道是不是因为自己老了，所以突然开始问这个问题。如果女人的平均年龄是八十，那我应该还有三十年。如果大叔和他老爸一样，我和他只剩下不到两年，不到700天。那我们要怎么用我们在一起的时间呢？

The realisation that we might not be together led to fear and emo. Like how I had taken for granted that we are young and we are going to be with each other til 七老八十. 

If I have only 2 days left on this earth, what would I be doing then? Would I still be scrolling my phone on FB / IG or watch those YouTube mukbangs? 🙊🙊🙊

Note to self: 

1) Be more mindful of my time. Not that there are any health scares etc but it is still a good reminder that I might not have all the time with this man, or with my parents and family. 

2) To cherish the times when we can still hug and have meaningful conversations together. To remind myself to set time together for dates, not simply 陪伴。to remind myself that all the msgs can wait til I reach home to reply. My time in the car is for him and solely him. (We used to have this rule of not using Hp while in the car, so that we can have conversations tog); to be more purposeful in our relationship. 

What is my superpower?

Every time I come out of my management meetings, I always feel so small. Small bcoz I felt that there’s nothing I could bring to the table, small bcoz the amt of knowledge I have is so little that I don’t even know what I don’t know. And it irks me, to feel like I’m not contributing. Even when there were calls for leaders to step up to steer some projects etc, I don’t even dare to volunteer coz I just don’t feel that I’m competent. 

Fear is eating me alive. And moments like this, I wondered if I’m in this room with all these people, just because I happened to know the boss very well. Is that the only reason why I’m there? 

This led me to think, what are my superpowers? I don’t need to be them, coz just like Avengers , there isn’t a need to have 20 Spider-Man or 15 Iron man etc…But I need to know what my strengths are, so that I can better value add to the team! 

And God softly whispered into my ears last night: 

“You can do training.” 

🤣🤣🤣

Me

So blessed by the message today. God has my back, and His arms ever ready to help me if I fall. Such assurance and such a relief, to know that He is always there for us. 

Having a bit of issues with some annoying person (not work related), and I feel that she should deliver what she promise on her end, but she has gone radio silence 😫😫😫 Situation like this, I struggled. Struggle to make sense of it, struggle to be the bigger person and WAIT. 道理在我这，可是我又能如何。Just reminding myself that God is in control. He is watching me and over me. Lol.. (there’s a difference in the meanings if you understand what I mean.. hahaha). It irks me when I’m not in control. And I’m not a patient person. But I guess this is a chance for me to learn. 

Sep seems like a short mth for me coz there’s the 1 week sch holidays then I’m flying off to Athens last week of sept. There’s 101 things to do but time isn’t on my side. Hahaha.. Praying that I stay focus as I meet the challenges ahead! 

AHA moments

Following our recent trip to Mandai, it suddenly dawn on me that none of my kids enjoy any of the Mandai attractions. They simply go bcoz the twins didn’t know there is an opt out option while Joash is too young to decide otherwise. It’s just me, who wants to bring everyone there, because I was guilt tripping myself, for not doing enough. And in the midst of it, I tried to do these over stimulating excursions which not only exhuast myself bcoz of the heat and crowd, but also bcoz of their constant bickering in the car; at the attraction and the whole entire day. 

I asked the twins separately, if they could choose 1 activity to do for the weekend:

1) Mandai

2) kidztopia 

3) swim

And neither of them chose 1). Lol.. They say the truth will set you free. And it did. This realisation made me realize that there isn’t a need for me to prove to anyone or do anything, just so that I provide enough for my kids. No need. I love them and I shower them with hugs and love. We can have lotsa yummy food, chit chat and cafe hoppings. 

The other AHA moment happened when it suddenly dawn on me that instead of feeling bad for my kids having to share their love and time and toys with their siblings in almost everything, (yes in case, u are wondering. Many a times I feel so guilty that I have 4 kids and they have to learn to share love, time and limited resources) Yes, I realize that I shouldn’t be guilty! Coz living in a big family, comes with its own learning academy which isn’t always taught in sch or in smaller families. They learn how to divide satay sticks before we start eating so that everyone gets an equal share. And even if the number is not divisible, then who should get an extra share. They learn how to help the younger siblings to wear shoes or play with him while the parents get ready. It’s called RESPONSIBILITY and they learn it everyday at home. Be it when there are 4 kids or fewer kids at home. And these are life skills that will carry on with them even when both William and I aren’t around. 

Penning this down so that whenever i feel like an emotional wreck, I can refer to this 

In the car when Joash tried to fortune tell his cheh cheh .. hahaha

送人玫瑰手有余香

送人玫瑰手有余香 - learnt this phrase from my tween today. 

What it means is a gift to others, also has a positive ripple effect on the sender. I love the meaning behind it. Thought I’ll pen it down, so that I’ll be able to remember it. 

I guess it’s the same stage I’m at now too. Mentoring my current team, I thought it meant pouring a lot of time and effort. But it’s not just one directional. The love I received back, knowledge (bcoz in order to teach, I had to learn in depth some of the plans I otherwise wouldn’t have bothered), and expansion of my heart, makes me filled with joy. I’m thankful for the opportunity to give back, thankful for their patience and accepting me as their leader, thankful for everything. 

Penning this down so that whenever I feel like giving up, I can come back to this again. I’m sure there will be such times, no doubt abt that. I just pray that when that time comes, I’ll have enough bullets to remind myself why I did this in the first place. Why I chose to do this, not for money or fame, but to give back to the community which taught me everything, to pass it forward.