Screamfree parenting

Attended a parenting course last yr in church and had always wanted to post it here so that it will remind me when i face my roadblocks. But as you know, then things came along and I got distracted and forgot abt it. Then just that day, the notes that I took resurfaced so I thought I better do it NOW...hahaha

Screamfree parenting 101

1) Yr oxygen mask
- First thing first, if Anything, we should take care of ourselves first; before we attend to the kids. E.g. oxygen mask
- how can we take of others if we don't take care of our own well being?
- in any situation, when we think we can't handle, we breathe in (count to 7) nd breathe out (count to 7).
- remain calm
- cause and effect. Are we only giving them attention when they misbehave ?
- why do we scream? What are we most afraid of?

What are yr FEARS?

- kids turn bad?
- not a gd parent?
- feel people's impression of us are bad?
- there's no perfect child not perfect parent. So don't self blame. We need to forgive ourselves when we commit mistakes in a rash; else we might turn to guilt-parenting -> overcompensate the kids which is even worse.

*Failure is an EVENT not a person**

Expectations not met?
- Are they realistic?
E.g. expecting kids scoring perfect score all the time.
E.g. Are we giving them too many KPIs?

- Are they our unmet needs?
- Are they our unmet dreams?
E.g. being a doctor/ lawyer bcoz we can't achieve?

2) Parenting with the End in Mind

*Ask, Say, Do (v impt)

- what do we want to see in our kids at 21?

E.g. character trains that we hope they possess by 21:

- independent 

- discipline

- responsible and the list goes on..

- then what are we teaching them when we scream at them? Kids learn by following/seeing what their parents do.(ACTION)

- will screaming help develop these traits? NO.

ASK.SAY.DO

- state yr desire behaviour, not say don't do this etc. State what can be done.

E.g. kid jump on sofa. Instead of saying "don't jump on the sofa", Say " sofa is is to sit, jump on the floor"

E.g. if you want kid to keep the shoes in the cupboard nearly, show them HOW exactly it is done (action); and get them to show it to you.

- investigate why their action

E.g. why are they behaving this way

- don't think/rationalise at our level; but look at their level

3) Words, Tone, Body language
- are they words of encouragement/ affirmation or words to destroy them further?
- are we still welcoming the kids with open hands or closing the door?
E.g. the words we use when they were <1 yr old; the tone etc vs the words/tone now?
Why are we less tolerant of them now?
- a gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.
- attend to their heart first, find out what's their wounds; n do correction (behaviour) later

4 simple steps:

1. Set clear simple rules e.g. dinner at 6pm, keep yr toys (box A) before taking new toys (box B)
2. Consistency e.g. Be consistent; if dinner is at 6pm-7pm and she refuses to eat, don't offer again at 8pm!
3. Consequences. Make consequences you can live with. E.g. no TV for 1 week, don't go for their rescue. 
4. Counting 123. Firm Tone, strict body language

My thoughts (then)
In a way, joy is now at the screaming stage. And I don't blame her cos she had picked it up from us, when we were impatient with her; when she had her tantrums.

The self blaming part is the part I totally can relate with. I always snap@them when things become overwhelming, when they have so many requests and cry when they are not met. I feel so stressed if I say no; but I also feel lousy when I say yes. As of today, i will not stress myself to be the perfect parent or expect the girls to be the perfect child in fairytale. Let's all work together; learn together and grow as one family.

Giving unclear instructions is something I only realize today. And I now know the importance of stating the desired exact action I expect from them. Just yesterday, I gave Grace the command " do not jump on the sofa." As discussed by the speaker. Only today, did it opened my eyes to their world.

Thank God for providing me with these invaluable lessons. I pray and I know that You will be with us; guiding the girls as they reached the different milestones in their lives. Thank God for william; although he has his shortcomings (screaming) with the girls, he did DO more correct things than me. Thank You God for providing, Amen!

My thoughts (now)
It has been 14 mths since I attended the seminar. I thought I had attended it longer than I had thought.

Reflecting back, I could see how the changes have impacted my girls. I'm not saying that our family life is a bed of roses now, nor am I saying that it's fairytale now. We still have our struggles and I still fall back to the common traps sometimes.

But after applying some simple changes to our parenting styles, I did see significant improvement; be it communication between us ; parents with joy or the twins, or the state of emotional health in me alone. (Joy screaming remain a work in progress)

I can't rem if i read the book 5 love languages for children before or after this seminar, but both of these tools helped so much in my parenting hat.

Note to self: are we saying words of encouragement / affirmation or are we sending words to further destroy them?

I hope that there will be a similar one offered again by the church so that I can attend again to reinforce my knowledge. :)