Night before flight

The night before flight and my anxiety levels hit the roof. Going to take a long flight to Istanbul with the 2 men followed by a domestic flight to Cappadocia with a very tight interval - less than 90 mins separating the two flights. And if we miss that flight, we will miss the pre arranged cab to the hotel. 

Praying that God gives us favour tomorrow; that He will make things right for us on the trip. That even if we really miss everything, the most we just stay 1 night in Istanbul and be late for the convention. Yes, worst case scenario. That didn’t seem so bad, if we put all things into perspective. What’s impt is to enjoy the trip; enjoy the fellowship and companionship ya.. 

trying not to let another morbid thought enter my tiny brain. But this always happens whenever we didn’t travel as a whole family. What if the plane crash? What if blah blah blah.. tuck my girls to bed this evening coz I was so guilty if the plane crash. Call me silly but today is one of those days where I regretted saying yes to this trip. Even though Istanbul and hot air balloon are one of the things that I really hope to tick on my list. 

Praying that we all survive the long flight. That we survive the connections. Tom wouldn’t be as bad as how I planned for the UK flights, but the connection Tom is tight. Praying for God’s safe covering on this trip. 

Hvnt felt so sick in a long while. This felt worse than Covid, to be honest. Had the flu/cough/fever combo since Mon night. It got so bad that we cancelled our JB getaway on tuesday. I felt so bad about it coz we had alrdy planned to do some stuff in JB but oh well.. 

Went to see the doctor and given a lot of meds. Vomited twice and I was afraid it was stomach flu but thankfully it wasn’t. Just bad reflux and didn’t eat enough before I had meds. 

This morning, William asked if I wanted to eat anything special for bf. He suggested soon kueh which I thought was nice, but I told him that we should finish the bread/ham in the fridge. And asked him to just come back after dropping Joash. It’s so hard to take care of me when I’m sick. Oops! Truth is, I wanted him to come back home asap so that we could eat bf before I take my meds. I was 39.8 and all I wanted was some food so that I can have my meds to do it’s works. 

And he made this, coz luncheon meat is comfort. Hahaha.. had my bf and my meds. Took a shower and he dried my hair.. took a nap and feeling so much better. The temp is 38.5 and he went to get soon kueh coz he knew I wanted that.. hahaha.. 

很幸福; 很感恩. I know I’m not speaking much sense now coz I still got a lot of drugs in my body but I’m thankful for him. For really tolerating my nonsense la; for taking care of me 24/7. 

Me

Went for my first focus group today. Really felt v rewarding to be able to pay it forward. I guess this is what push me forward. To impart knowledge to the younger generation so that they do the best they can, and exceed their own expectations and capabilities. There can be more people greater than me. And if the people I helped end up being more successful, I would have accomplished what I want to do.

Mid life crisis

Recently got this online when I was in Iceland. Somehow the words just “captured” me asking me that it wanna go home with me. Trust wholeheartedly - probably the most apt message that I need to hear now. I love God and I trust that I’m in good hands. But recently, I’ve started to think if the current job is what I would wanna do for the next 20yrs. 

I’ve given it 20yrs. And 20yrs isn’t a short time. I’ve had my struggles in this span of time, learnt a lot, and grown a lot. And it has been a very fulfilling journey. But it has also reached a stage where I’m no longer sure if it still gives me the same excitement or if I’m even growing, compared to when I first started. I’m comfortable, work isn’t hectic but it isn’t exciting. I’m not sure why it’s starting to sound like a courtship. Hahaha.. wanted to speak to my mgmr abt it but we ended up quarreling coz he/I thought I/he said this blah blah blah and eventually 两败俱伤😝😝  

Which brings me to the next point? What do I want out of my work? Is it just to pay bills? Or am I expecting more? And I don’t want a situation where I’m trying to do something just becoz everything’s comfortable. You know.. like just because there isn’t difficulties means I should go do something completely different and drown in it. 

My job should be able to accomplish the following:

1) pay bills 

2) I would b fulfilled becoz I know I’ve helped someone today.

3) breakthrough?

4) challenged to try something different and master it 

What can I do?

- this is a tough qn tbh. Coz not every job will be able to fulfil 1) and 2). My heart can be full being a social worker or counsellor but it can’t help support my household expenses. And no one wanna hire me with no relevant experience too. Adulting is tough.. I wished I could use the same advise I tell some of my clients “Go chase yr dreams bcoz I’ve got u covered (financially)”. And the opportunity cost and inertia is huge too! 

I look at some of my clients my age; they are just working. Work is just something to pay bills and give them the means to do something they enjoy like traveling or shopping. Am I simply thinking and expecting too much?

Random rant / update

 I finally completed my PT sessions yesterday! 🎉🎊🥳 Took almost 6mths to finish 20 sessions; a bit too long but   I had a bit of traveling and a lot of procrastination to blame.. hahaha.. did the PT result in weight loss? Not really. Less than 1kg nia.. lol.. did the PT result in me being fitter? Definitely. I can do my squats and exercises much better compared to 6mths ago. Would I continue another round? Probably not.. coz as much as I see the physical benefits of the sessions, it gave me so much emotional baggage that I either end up emo baking the night before or crazy eat the next day or both. 🤣🤣🤣 but I’ve tried and I should give myself a pat for that. 

Has been so busy this whole week that I didn’t have time to be emo baking. But the date is coming. Flying off on Sunday. Finally packed most of my stuff into the luggages. Uncle pig did most of the work. I was the sulking kid who wanted to put more clothes in but there really isn’t much space.

I’m trying my best to do well emotionally, but some days are especially hard. 

My favourite therapist would often ask us the following questions whenever we have our fears / anxieties.

1. What is the worst that might happen?
2. What is the best that could happen?
3. Given yr wisdom and logical mind, what do u think is the most reasonable outcome out of it?

1. The worst that could happen is I end up snapping at my mom for everything that she does, and complaining to uncle pig while on the trip. The 3d2n alone time in Paris with her is causing me a lot of anxieties as well. Would I end up killing her or perhaps by the first few days, I just wanna be alone and away from her.

2. The best that could happen is both of us enjoy this trip entirely; a solid mother daughter bonding time, where I appreciate her for who and what she has done and vice versa. 

3. Honestly I don’t know. I do hope that traveling w a bunch of fun colleagues mean that it’s not just me and my mom 24/7. I want to honor her, for the sacrifices she’s made for us, the things she’s done so that we could have a better life. I probably should rem this and look at it whenever I feel like snapping. 

Still waiting for my client to arrive. She’s late and it’s pouring outside.Let’s look forward to seeing the beautiful sights in Iceland and happy shopping in Paris. Hopefully I don’t get too lost in Paris and may God protect us on this trip. Journey mercies ❤️

“But you, dear friends, by building yourselves up in your most holy faith and praying in the Holy Spirit, keep yourselves in God’s love as you wait for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ to bring you to eternal life.”

‭‭Jude‬ ‭1‬:‭20‬-‭21‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Emo blues

I’m so exhuasted from winter shopping. Went shopping for a pair of waterproof pants for Iceland. And either the pants are tight or not flattering. 

Was just ranting to my BFFs abt it. Then one of them went to dig out her winter clothes and bringing over this weekend just so that I could borrow if the size fits . So grateful for friends like them. 

Had a cake and some coffee but the calories were totally not worth it. Should have just gotten llao llao.. hahaha

Traveling anxiety

I’m officially in the emo + sleepless state. Started to have flashbacks of eventful crying many yrs ago, when I cried uncontrollably on the way to pick my parents to the airport. I was bringing them on a holiday but without the kids or uncle pig. I cried so hard that my eyes were still swollen when we reached. The twins were less than 2yrs old and grace was still latching to sleep that time. After that incident, it got much easier and I had clearly forgotten how hard it is to leave a baby at home. 

Fast forward and now I’m bringing my mom to Iceland in less than 2 weeks. This time without the baby boy. I know he is in good hands with uncle pig and the girls helping around. But the mums guilt is intense. The anxiety was killing me alive. I know the trip would b nice for my mom, coz it’s our first trip since Covid closed all incentive trips. She’s been looking forward to it. And I know that I should bring her around while she is still healthy and mobile. But post retirement, she has turned to be rather critical of me especially, and I’m not even sure if I can handle her for the entire 9days. I’m hoping the colleagues would provide some form of distraction and I’ll bring a book along to distract myself from her criticisms. 

Work is still pretty quiet but I’m at peace. I know that He is in control. 

Praying that I’ll be able to spend quality time with her on this trip, and maybe share the gospel with her too. Praying for journey mercies and that I’ll be able to sleep well on the trip. 

“I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭40‬:‭1‬-‭2‬ ‭NIV‬‬

https://bible.com/bible/111/psa.40.1-2.NIV