做人很难，做女人更难 (rant)

Had a company lunch yesterday. It was nice to finally see more colleagues after so long! But ya, this is more abt my rant than anything else. 

Colleague: “So Lena, are you still breastfeeding?”

Me: “No la, stopped long ago.”

Colleague: “Oh, when did u stop?”

Me: “6mths”

okie I lied. I stopped earlier.. lol.. I also didn’t say that from the start I was supplementing with FM even from day 1. It irks me why people ask abt breastfeeding like they are entitled to. It should be a taboo topic just like “how much is yr pay?” !!! How is my yield going to affect you or yr kids Ah ? Argh…

Then in the midst of the lunch.. When everyone is asking who’s going to the UK trip in sept?

Me: ya I’m going ah.. most likely with William and baby. Can’t wait! 

Same colleague: then who’s going to take care of the girls? Helper ah?

Me: ermm.. they are big enough to take care of themselves liaoz leh.. yes the helper will cook and clean la.. what else? You going?

Colleague : oh, I can’t. No one is around to take care of the kids 

Me: oh but yr kids are quite big now.. no? And there’s the helper too, right?

Colleague: oh all along, we don’t let our helper touch the kids. So no la, not going. You mean, you will 放心 to let the helper to take care of yr girls?

Okie lo, it’s your choice la. But don’t come guilt trip me la. I think 2 weeks away from the girls wouldn’t harm them much. The most they can order mac everyday for all I care, but 2 weeks away from them means so much to me. I need a break. It would b ideal if I could just go with William and leave the baby at home too. But unfortunately, this is not viable. If you wanna wear the badge of “not letting yr helper touch yr kids” by all means. I was like that before. But I rather wear the “my helper is competent enough to care for my kids or my kids are mature enough to take care of themselves” badge. It’s individual choices right. I have forfeited my trips before. Just that at this juncture, I feel that my girls are old enough, to be left alone as long as food are on the table and they have uniform to wear to sch. Homework if not done, then face the consequences in sch lo.. why is their homework my duty also!? 

Sorry but the me now. I just want to LIVE MY LIFE. I want to enjoy my kids, my work and myself! It’s no longer just about them. I don’t wan to be the mama that sacrifice everything for the kids etc. no. I want to live my life. They will flutter around my life, not the other way round. Happy mom happy life okie!

Had to rant this coz even after a night of sleep, I still feel angst over the convo. 

A lesson for all of us

 

We were early for taekwondo class today so I suggested going to the playground which was right next to the cc. Grace was delighted and within five minutes climb up here. That was the easy part. 

She soon realize that it was easy to go up, but not as easy the other way round. Basically u need to have a leap of faith, and put yr body out of the hoop to reach out for the steps in order to come down. She couldn’t. She kept saying “Mummy can u pls get the fireman to come rescue me?” My heart sank. This probably comes with age. Fear sets in as we grow older, doesn’t it? The young fearless boy was waiting impatiently for her to come down, even went up several times hoping that it would nudge her. 

Eventually she finally managed to do it. After a good 15mins of coaxing and me quietly praying and a kind stranger who reminded her to “come down the way she went up”. She came down and I was glad. 

But today I think the lesson not only taught her but me as well.

“Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.”

‭‭1 Peter‬ ‭5:7‬ ‭NIV‬‬

- Do not give in to fear. Instead, we should cast all our fears onto the Lord, for He is with us. This lesson come so timely, at a stage where work has been super quiet and I’m super free. In fact I’m so free that the last time I was this free was probably during the circuit breaker. And I let my fears take roots in me. It isn’t such a good thing to be too free, at least for me. I start to doubt myself, if I was still a competent adviser, if I would still be able to provide for the family, if we would be okie financially if the dry months continue longer than expected. I let the fears morph and grow in me. I felt like drowning. I didn’t know what to do. The uncertainties magnified the fears. But today, I want to be like Grace. That even though we are afraid, we took the leap of faith that it will all work out eventually. That God knows and He has His ways and plans in His perfect timing. Even though I’m afraid, I know that God is my safe harbour, and I will only need to do my best and that is all that’s needed. 

As simple as that. 

Picking up cross stitching again, bcoz I want to do something productive instead of just playing suduku all the time. 

Thankful for the lesson and reminder. 

Happy Mother’s Day!

This is how solo parenting looks on good days. Not everyday is great, and that’s why it makes them extra special. There are days when I wished I wasn’t a mother to the 4 kids; that I was known as @queenlena, and not @mrsqueenchoo. But there are days when I ask myself how blessed am I, that God give me the privilege to be the mom of 4 wonderful kids. It hasn’t been easy, especially when the kids age gap are so wide! Concurrently I’m doing P4 revision; trying to be a friend to the firstborn and learning to be a new mom to the youngest again. It’s not easy. But I wouldn’t have it other ways. 

When I was first mom to Joy, it was a lot of trials and errors. More often than not, she’s our “guinea pig”, our teacher to our parenting journey. I remember making silly mistakes like mixing her meds into her milk just so that she would finish them all. I eventually realize that is the quickest way to get a milk strike, and never again repeated that mistake. Her name fitted her so well, coz she was a joy to us. 

When I became mom the second time, it was hard. And I guess that was also the reason God made us wait for 5 years before giving us a pair of twins. Those 5 years of battling infertility, drew me closer to God. I remember questioning God, why didn’t He send us more kids, when He says “to be fruitful and multiple”. I eventually learnt that it was to shape us to be prepared, bcoz the second time isn’t going to be as easy. The sleepless nights weren’t just doubled, it felt like tripled or endless, to be honest. Not only did I felt that I was a single parent to a newborn (coz there were days when we each just took a baby), I still had to be attentive to the demands of my toddler, who was 不大不小 - independent and mature, but she’s a toddler after all, and very needy at that stage. But God guided us in every step of that arduous journey. And eventually we got the hang of it. 

- Jan 2014

- Cny 2020

Now that I’m 40s, and mom to our last baby, the feeling is complex. Happy that  I have one last baby to savour every last baby moments, but scared that we can’t provide enough time and energy to the 4 of them. I feel like an old and new mom at the same time; old bcoz the past experiences have taught us how to respond better this time round, new bcoz there are new things that weren’t popular in the past ! 

Thankful for the opportunity to be the mom of these 4 kids. I love ya all! 

Happy Mother’s Day to me! 💐🌸🌷

How do u teach a child who doesn’t uses her brain for school work? It’s challenging and frustrating and sometimes I feel defeated. Bcoz of her attitude. I’m not a tiger mom. And I don’t expect my kids to get As for their grades. I don’t even need them to get into prestigious schools. What I want is I hope they adopt a willing attitude, to learn, not for exams but for knowledge.

Not going to lie that the extended long weekend has been nothing but exhausting. Trying to iron out every little topic. It has always been “out of sight, out of mind”.. mayb bcoz the firstborn has always been hardworking and ASK whenever she meets problems in her work. But the same doesn’t apply to the younger kids. Then suddenly I realize how weak their foundations are. I’m tired. 

How do I correct ATTITUDE? It’s okie if my kids don’t understand and we try together. But it’s not okie when they sulk / whine / be rude when things don’t meet their way. I’m learning also. Learning to be more patient. 

And all these frustrations just result in me binge eating / snacking so much that I could feel my clothes being tighter.. argh… shall go start my swimming again tomorrow. 

 

Really love how Meitu makes me so pretty.. hahaha.. thought I’ll just record this moment of time, when my lashes are still pretty. Just wanna enjoy this phrase of my life, enjoying things for me myself. Going for a nice lunch for myself before I go for my facial later. Thankful Thursday!

Waiting for my lunch to arrive and some me time before my facial appt. I had a hard time deciding between the set lunch or ala carte. As it is, I’m not one who likes to make decisions. Then the set is priced so affordably that it seems more worthwhile leh.. just that sadly there were more things I didn’t like on the set so I chose the latter. The menu is a little tad expensive for my comfort. The salad that I chose better be nice lo.. the choos need to cut down on food expenditure now that all the parties are over. I’m broke.. 🤣🤣🤣

The salad was nice, but probably for the same price,I would have a steak as the protein if it’s from Uncle Choo cafe.. hahaha.. I guess this is the price of eating out. 

Ended my lunch with a cup of local kopi.. lol.. 

Easter

Finally something nice to remember for Easter (other than the GOOD NEWS) - we sold our HDB and signed the paperwork today! Woohoo.. 🎉🎉🎉

Felt so overwhelmed on Friday evening that led to insomnia. So I decided to pray to God that this Easter, may there be something wonderful that I would remember in years to come. (Coz each time I think of Easter, I think of the big quarrels with/among/over the girls) I prayed that if He is willing, then may the sale of our HDB would be a good and nice way to remember. And so it happened, just like that. And I just wanna give God all the glory and praise. That finally things are moving along. In His divine timing and plans. 

Feeling defeated

Not going to lie that I’m feeling defeated. Today has been a long day, and Joash last nap was at 330pm. I thought we would do an early dinner and then closing. It’s 830pm and he hasn’t zzz yet. Haiz…