Emo week

Depression - my long time battle - left few days after my period arrived. It came and left unexpectedly.

This was how I felt most of last week- life without colours and wondering if all of these will end. I didn’t understand what was going thru, why all of a sudden my life was always so bleak and dark. 

It left as quietly as it came. And I’m afraid that it returns again, be it randomly or routinely following my period. Coz I do feel that the valleys do get deeper occasionally. 

I wished I wasn’t so emo. I wished I wasn’t so needy. A friend once said that this is a good trait as a leader - to be emphatic towards one’s challenges and circumstances. I’m not sure if this make sense but I need to learn and develop more superpowers.. hahaha.. to learn to decluttter my negative thoughts, to digest the negative news and transfer it into positive energy. 

Tapping Out

That was what I wanted to do last night- to tap out, tap out of life, tap out of work, tap out of friends etc. I went into a dark hole. And I was afraid, afraid that I might never walk out of it. My old friend has chosen to come visit when I’m most vulnerable and I could even see it in my eyes. How it’s controlling my mind and allowing it to eat me alive. I even started to think of the different permutations.

It comes and goes. There are days when I feel at peace and in control, but there were also nights when my emotions just overwhelmed me. 

I decided to do something that isn’t typical of me. Which was to go for a company lunch even though know I might end up sitting with unfamiliar faces. Even though it’s tiring to strike up conversations. 

But I went anyways. 

Coz I know I need to put a stop to all these. I need to walk out of my black hole. I need to make new friends. I need rely on the support of my old friends. They are there, there for me. And I know I can reach out and grab their hands if I allow myself to. 

I’m glad I did. Angela came along when she knew that I was coming. So thankful for that. 

We all have our different battles in life. Our challenges. And we can overcome it all, with the support of our loved ones. 

Tough week

Happy nails to an otherwise tough week.. 

What was supposed to be a 3D2N couple short trip ended up being a half day trip to JB bcoz William mom is still in hospital, coupled with the fact that Joy is going to do her own jab tomorrow and I wanted to be around for her. I don’t think I can even start talking abt this without tearing. Even the few words here is able to start me on a heavy downpour. 

I saw this bible verse on Joash artwork from church on Saturday. Trying my best to remind myself of God’s promises though at this moment in time, it did little to comfort me. 

The last week has been extremely tough. 

I had a heart to heart talk with Joy to brtter understand her condition. Turns out she has been in extreme pain for longer than I thought. When I asked why she never once told us abt it, her only reply to us was she didn’t want to be an additional burden to us coz our hands are full with the other 3 kids. My heart broke once again. 😭😭😭 My sensible teenager who thought it’s better that she just swallow her pain so that she doesn’t cause further trouble to us. 

I ended up killing myself for the first few days bcoz of this. 

“Had I not paid enough attention to her such that she didn’t think it was safe to speak up?”

“Why didn’t I notice the signs?” 

“What kind of mom am I when I don’t even know what’s the name of her illness?” 

“Why have we given her bad genes?”

“Why can’t I be the one suffering?”

心很痛

And then the financial mom went to check her coverage. My planning for my own kids or my clients’ kids have been consistent. Get H&S for them and a basic whole life plan and they can always top up the rest when they start work. 

But this will no longer be an option for her. Her condition meant she can no longer buy any insurance. 

Has my planning been flawed? On hindsight I should have gotten an additional huge term with convertibility, so that the parents / kids have a chance to top up without health assessment. 

This I shared with my client during the Saturday review. I ended up tearing during the appt, which was so unexpected. I had spoke too much that my wound hurts. 

In fact the last week I ended up crying everywhere when some of my friends asked. Haiz.. I was a total wreck. 

I felt that I had failed in so many areas: 做妈妈也没做好，做我唯一会做的工作也没把它做到完整。

“I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭40‬:‭1‬-‭2‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Praying for God’s healing upon her and wisdom to ride thru this journey together. Praying that I will be out of the woods soon. Amen!

Life is short

One of my relatives suddenly passed away yesterday. He was 64. It was pretty sudden and none of his siblings expected this to happen. 

On the way to the wake, I started tearing. Not becoz I was super attached to the uncle. But more for my own selfish reasons. William will b in his 60s in 10yrs time. Will he even have 10yrs? What if it happens within the next 1yr? And I’ll probably guilt trip myself for cancelling the recent July couple trip etc.. 

Life is short. 

And suddenly all the nitpicking seems so pointless and childish. I try not to, but stress made it hard to control. 

Coupled with William’s update abt Joy condition. Turns out the injections are a little more complicated than we thought. She has to be on it for long term, and while she is on it, she can’t take anything raw/semi cooked, meaning medium rare meats, sashimi and even half boiled eggs. And we weren’t even briefed on this during the doctor appt last week! The nurse that was supposed to teach her the injections told Joy and William today. Thankfully William was with her. He asked if she wanted to reconsider. She said to go ahead, bcoz her joints are in pain. She must have been suffering in silence all these while coz for a foodie to choose this, I can’t imagine the pain she has been suffering all these while. There’s a lot of questions on our mind currently like why and what condition is this exactly ? Or what is the possible outcomes out of all these. Wanted to rush home to hug my kids when he was giving me the debrief in the car. My kid who has seldom made me worry much 🥹🥹🥹

Currently praying for God’s healing on her, that we will witness a miracle on this, in Jesus name I pray, Amen!

My cheerleaders

The company posted me and my achievements 1 day after my bday, which isn’t something uncommon. What was surprising was when I saw this:

One of my sister/therapist/girlfriend reposted this on her IG! 

I felt a rojak of emotions la.. as usual.. hahaha.. and I text her to say Thanks! Her reply was even more amazing. She said that both she and her hubby are so proud of me… she is so kind. 

It was a simple gesture but it made me v 感动。If someone who isn’t even related to me or in this industry can do this, certainly the hermit/low self esteem me can do better in promoting myself right !? And so I reposted this today. 

I also listed down the reasons why I wanted to be a leader again and most importantly, I decided that since I wanna be a leader I shouldn’t hide behind anymore. If my objective is to want to help advisers, then I should find them. I should put my focus in training, in recruitment, in fishing. I shouldn’t hide behind my personal sales appts. 

Such lofty aspiration. 

Talk is cheap. 

I saw the photos that some of my fellow peers posted on a gala dinner tonight, and wondered if the statement I said 5mins ago hold any truth. 

How is it that my immediate thoughts was “Heng I didn’t go.” lol… hahahahaha.. instead of “wow, I manage to mingle and talk to xxx…” 

Is this really the right job for me? 

Change is uncomfortable. 

I wished I stepped into this when I was much younger, when my skin was thicker.. Hahaah.. now many things also think 2000 permutations before I consider again. 

I wished I can c the transformed lena or have a glimpse of it now, so that I know the uncomfortable change is worth the mile. 

I wished I could be the convincing leader that stands in front and delivers a charismatic speech. 

Like what Joleen says, “There is only 1 LKY. I need to find my style and personality.” 

But what if I can’t find it? What if I was never meant to be a leader? 

Will I look at this msg in time to come, and smile? Or will I be chasing my tail endlessly?

Happy birthday to me!

Finally got a chance to burn some calories today. Hardly exercise for the whole of June coz helper is away. And then by the time we do the sch drop offs, the sun is so bright that it’s so hard to swim. Plus I was lazy too la.. haha

Decided to do something for myself today. And it was nice to do a swim and just laze by the pool beds after that. 

Not doing anything fancy today coz no helper and I just didn’t wan William to 忙到半死 just for my bday. Everyday is a happy day as long as everyone’s healthy. 

Went for a simple lunch at our usual Korean restaurant before he dropped me off to meet Joy at TTSH for her medical appt. Long story short, she’s going to start some injections every week from next week. I just pray that this would work and that her condition would improve. 

By the time we were done, it was almost 6pm. Rushed home to see William still busy preparing for dinner. I was supposed to pick Joash but by the time the TTSH appt was done, it was kinda too late. 

He made Korean cold noodles! And it tasted to my liking.. hahahaha.. it’s not like the typical kind where the noodles are gooey, his version is slightly better and more suited for me (I feel but I could b biased too.. hahaha) 

I’ve been craving for Korean cold noodles for a long time and I’m glad this worked out! Hahahha.. then we could always have this anytime we wanted. And the best part is we could top it up with our fav meats and not the miserable few pieces of meat that we get when we dine out. 

Had so much emotions as I see this picture. 

孩子长大了，我们都老了。我想我人生中做最对的决定就是嫁给你，跟你一起把这些人带大。。哈哈哈哈。。生日愿望很简单。希望我爱的人和爱我的人都健康、快乐。

New Findings

 I always believe that the truth will set one free. 

And today, while doing the dishes at 5am, (I didn’t need to but I just wanted to help William in the little things), I had another aha moment. 

I really don’t enjoy doing chores, not even the dishes. And I’m grateful that I get to choose to do something enjoyable like my work, every single day. I get to, it’s my choice. My freedom and at least I’m enjoying my work, not like some friends whom I know where work is stressful and no purpose and is stuck. 

The moment where I get to “escape” to work, is liberating. 

I get to empower people with financial knowledge. 

I get to empower my advisers with knowledge so that they are more confident facing their clients. 

I get to see their metamorphosis. Some faster than others. 

I get to hug my kids in the morning, and spend time with each of them. 

I get to travel overseas with my colleagues and family, mostly funded by company. People who know me, know how much I dread going on such trips. But it’s a privilege.

I get hugs from the little boy who can kiss and kiss me in the mornings for as long as I wanted, and as many times as I requested. Yes, the struggles of having a toddler is exhausting, but there are perks alongside with it. 

The word “get” changes one’s mindset. It shifts from being forced to do, to having a choice to do. Instead of saying “I have to work to pay bills”, say “I get to work bcoz it’s the only few things in life I enjoy doing, besides eating and cross-stitching”

“I get to hold meeting groups bcoz there are people who needs help”

Shall try to go back to zzz. It’s 6am now. Oh well.

Received this pot of flowers this morning during our company meeting. A colleague gave this to me for my birthday, together with a bday card that she hand-made.

I was so touched by what she wrote. It is a good reminder/affirmation. I’m thankful for this reminder. Coz just last week, I felt defeated and deflated, and wondered if what I was doing was changing things. 

And then when I read the book last week abt “get” vs “have to”, it changed my mind. 

And this morning, the gift was another affirmation.

Might seem trivial to some, but it means a lot to this emo kid (me). 

应该还是有做对一点点吧，所以才会得到这份温暖的阳光☀️

In fact, my emo “younger twin” dated me next week for a floral arrangement class! 

These are my babies whom we have grown so much closer in the last 11 mths.. and these are babies whom I’m waiting for one day, to 超越我。And when that happens, my job is complete. 

Thankful for the opportunity to guide them, to be their “mother” and to lead them. The best is yet to be.