我不开心🫣
A dear cousin passed away last night and I went to her wake last night.
I used to be very close to her - coz she was a big sister that I admired. Played the piano very well, had good grades and she was very kind.
As we grew up, we drifted. And even when she was going thru her chemotherapy few years ago, I didn’t reach out. I didn’t know how to.
“Are you feeling okay/better/alright?”
All these sound so redundant and extra. It adds additional stress to the person who’s trying to get well. So I never contacted her directly. I do get updates from my mom who sees them pretty regularly. Even when my mom told me that her days are numbered, I struggled if I should text her. What would I say? I went anyway, after Joleen and Jael encouraged me to. And they didn’t want me to live with regrets. I’m glad that they did. Else I’ll probably feel a lot worse than now.
I remember getting her flowers that day. She was very energetic when I went. She talked abt her pains, her course treatment etc. i remember leaving the house, thinking that my mama had exaggerated her condition. (But I was glad she did).
I guess that day has been one of her better days. I hope she’s in a better place now, away from all the suffering and pain.
There’s a lot of emotions going on for me and I don’t necessarily know how to express and identify each of them.
“How does one pour out from an empty cup?”
“What’s my purpose in life?”
“Can I take a break from living?”
“Can I take a break from wearing the many hats?”
