Even when she’s still grieving, she doesn’t show it at all. 

She continues to show up to be the 大姐for her siblings, to help jaga Joash while William is out for his gathering. I know she’s crying inside and her way is to bury it so that we wouldn’t worry about her. I wished she wouldn’t hide it.

God, thank you for sending joy to us. I pray that you lead us in this journey as she seeks you, that we remember of your faithfulness everyday, every part of this journey. I pray that when one door closes, you will open the right doors for her. God I bring that You bring hope to her, that she be reminded that in everything You are in control. 

“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”

‭‭2 Corinthians‬ ‭12‬:‭9‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Joy lost the scholarship again for the second time. 

It was heartbreaking. Heartbreaking not because of the loss but coz the officials told her that the appeal was accepted, raise her hopes only to have the medical team to reject her a second time. (Her medical condition deems her unfit for military even though she passed all her physical tests with flying colours.)

She cried even harder this time round. It’s as if the floodgates were let loose. In her desperation, she said she isn’t going to apply for any more scholarship. Just going to get a local degree. Get a normal job. All the 气话。🥺🥺🥺

No amount of consolation would touch her. She just cried inconsolably. I could see it eating her alive. She just kept going on and on abt how much time she wasted preparing for her UK application and scholarship interviews and in hindsight she shouldn’t even try. 

My heart broke together with her. It’s not like her to give up when things don’t go her way. So her reaction was 💔💔💔

There was nothing we could say to console her. I know eventually, this would seem a minor setback when she lives a full life to 80. But now, this was everything she wished and worked for. It was her everything. 

We could only cry together with her, hug her, give her a safe space to rant, to cry, to feel all her emotions. 

BBQ on a hot Monday afternoon

The ladies came over and we had a great time chatting. Never thought that we would click so well. 

I thought my closest friends would just be J&Jm but 缘分 pulled us together closer. 

It’s funny coz towards the end of the party I was already on hibernate mode and they noticed it and suggested leaving. Hahahha.. but I was fine w them chilling by. Just that I was too tired to make any conversations. 

Thankful for the friendship. ❤️❤️❤️

It’s especially cute to see the toddlers able to play well with each other too. 

Couple trip part III

The one week honeymoon ended. Was quite thankful to be back home towards the end. Coz I was starting to feel sick, and bored in China. Hahahaha.. 

It was a good break, a good pause to just focus on the man, even though in his POV, I still worked a lot while on the trip. Hahahaha.. oh well.. 

Trying to either approve cases using my small phone or reply clients / advisers text.. this is his evidence 🤣🤣🤣

Thankful to be able to spend this 1 week focusing on him and him alone. Thankful that even though we didn’t tick any awesome Michelin food, or bought a lot of stuff, it was good just to enjoy each other presence. 

It was good to sleep early and it was good to wake up naturally (although my naturally is still abt 7ish). 

We took so many pretty photos, cause he said I will need it for my LinkedIn articles.. hahaha.. 

Funny old man. 

May we continue to grow old together. My man. 

Count my blessings

A huge case that I’ve been following up has flew. 

My heart shattered💔

It’s heartbreaking coz I was really depending on it to hit my TOT. My garden is barren, the few people I’m texting doesn’t seem ready. 

The irony of it all slapping at my face. Just like how I try to motivate my audience, and then here I am, feeling downcast. 

I woke up from my nap abruptly deciding to count my blessings. 

So here goes:

1. I have a healthy son who’s napping with me currently. He’s a joy, and blessing from God. 
2. I have a husband who loves me to the fullest, and he is healthy too. 
3. I have a team of advisers who dote and look up to me. 
4. I have my band of sisters who are always there to listen to my rants whenever I feel down. 
5. I have clients who love me and trust me fully.
6. I am earning way more than a lot of people I know. 
7. I’m learning new things every week and it excites me that I can have the freedom to learn such things without compromising my family lifestyle. 
8. I’ve done my best to convince some clients to top up their coverage and even though they decide not to, I’ve done my best. 
9. I still enjoy doing my work, I’m passionate with it. 
10. I’m healthy, and I have 4 beautiful kids who squabble all day long. I love them even though it can be challenging at times. But I’m thankful that they made me who I am today. 

Thankful for this reflection. It reminds me that despite of what happened, I have so much more. I’m thankful. 

I’m not going to give up just yet. But I’m also not going to let the stress chase me out of my mind. Will do my best, to reach out to my clients, provide value, and updates. And whatever happens, is all up to God. 

Just do my best and let Him do the rest. 

Thankful that I’m able to still have the support and the health to do what drives me. 

感恩🥹

Couple trip 2025 part II

I honestly think, among all his kids, I’m the most difficult to manage and also the most challenging to travel with…

🤣🤣🤣

他真的对我很好。很感激有一个那么包容我的男人。

Told him that next year let’s just do a trip to Bali or Phuket and we can just laze at the beach or villa, so that he doesn’t need to plan til so hectic. 

Maybe it’s age, I can feel that planning even for him, has become more exhuasting. Esp when China is a very different setup compared to the rest of the world.. hahahaha..

Thankful that he helped tick my bucket list - 九寨沟 - 她真的好美。

Couple trip 2025

And this is the start of our honeymoon ! Hahahahaha.. despite all the busyness, we finally made it to this. 

Thankful. Let’s try not to kill each other on the trip 🤣

Too packed

1:05am Recording this moment in my life where my beloved Uncle choo is still doing some last min packing coz the wife suddenly wanted to split her clothes into two destinations - coz we are heading to Jiuzhaigou first and thought probably better to leave one luggage in Chengdu instead of bring all there and back.. lol 

讲很容易。Talk only no action. 

Today’s been one of the days when I honestly wished I could have been more helpful. Or why did I packed so many appts on the last day before our flight, such that I can’t even do without him being the flying elephant with me. 

Well, you see.. after I gave the “Final Sprint” training last week, I decided to fix some last minute appts since I should lead by example. 

And so I did. Eventually my schedule was 11am zoom, 2pm face to face at Balestier, 4pm at office and 8pm Tanah Merah. 

It’s still manageable at this moment. Until R says that she has a candidate who wants to see me, and all of a sudden, it became 11/2/4/6/8.

And cause of the various locations and the hard pressed for time, I had to activate my 小飞象🤣🤣🤣

And from the start of the 2pm appts, all appts were back to back and tight tight. Meaning none of them ended early such that I could take a break longer than a pee break. 

By the time I ended my last appt, and reached home, it was 10pm. And the girls needed us. Brought them out for supper and by the time we came back home again it was close to 1130pm. 

Times like this, I’m thankful that we get to prioritise them. I get to talk to them. 

Joy failed her Mindef medical, not because she failed her physical running or tests. But cause she’s still on her jabs. And no doctor will write her a letter saying she doesn’t need them. She still needs her jabs, and thus the door to that scholarship has closed. Even though physically she’s fit enough to do the sprints and respective workouts. 

She was devastated when I saw her. Her eyes still red from crying. She cried again when I hugged her. My heart broke with her. 

I know it’s not a big thing. I know. And I know it’s probably God’s way of closing a door that isn’t meant for her too. 

But it’s huge for her now. Cause for the longest time, she’s been looking forward to this, to the possibility of being a “soldier”. 

I always thought she would be in the armed forces cause she look so smart in her uniform. And I think she secretly wanted to be there too. I probably shouldn’t have encouraged her to apply for the scholarship. She wasn’t hopeful at the start cause she said she has that health condition, but after going through a couple of rounds of interviews and preparation, she thought she would have a chance. But her dreams stopped here, tonight. 

There was a part of me that wanted to ask William if we should cancel the trip. Cause I wasn’t sure if she would be Okie. 

By the time supper ended, she was laughing with her sisters. But I wasn’t sure if she was just trying to make us less worried about her. 

Praying that God strengthen her during this period, that she would lean on God, and trust that there are many other opportunities that will open up. Praying that she wouldn’t let this incident affect her self esteem further than it already has.

Oh my precious firstborn, I pray that you will gain strength from this and recover from this. We are all by your side, and we will walk together with you. We love you, always. ❤️

I am ❤️

 I’ve always felt NOT GOOD ENOUGH. 

Not good enough when I first lead the team, not good enough when I first joined this advisory business, not good enough even in my teens and earlier. 

But I never asked myself why I felt this way before. 

Until I did the discovery call with Rae. And she asked.

Why do I feel this way when I have so many accolades? When will I ever feel enough? When did I first felt not enough? 

It led to many aha moments. 

I realized that my first memory of it was when I was in my primary school, my smart sibling would always do so much so much better (without studying), while I would study and revise so much and barely passed. 

This was my first memory of it. 

And I realized that it was so silly as I look back. 

And yesterday, I finally asked my advisers “Why did you join me? Why didn’t you choose someone else more capable? Have you regretted? your choice?”

A few were shocked. They thought I was the obvious choice. 

“Producer, leading a team, mother.. how many are there that fits this profile? Why are you asking this!??” one of my Kia asked. 

I was shocked by her reply. Coz she’s also a producer.. and I was humbled and touched by her words. 

I am good enough. 

I might not be the most handsome or earn the most. But I am enough for my tribe, for those who voted for me. 

As I look at the chile qualifiers for my team, I am proud. 

We have so many of us this year. Even when so many are still walking out of maternity etc. 

So thankful for the change in perspective !

我是最好的。Im doing the best i can, as a mother, as a wife, as an adviser and lastly as a FSD! 

I am super proud of how far I’ve come. 

I’ve just done two rounds of training. I did well. Let’s not go down the critical “can be better” route. 

From now on, I want to be nicer to me, myself. 

I’ve done well. Thank you for putting yourself out there, when you didn’t need to. Thank you for challenging yourself to do what you never think possible. Thank you for stepping out of yr comfort zone. 

我很棒❤️

 

Really wanted to report sick and cancel the trip. But William nudged me not to; so did Angela. 

I’m so thankful for the many angels around me; people who know me so well, people who will guard and protect me. It’s as if they know my emo is acting up again, and thus they send well meaning messages, just to check on things.

I wrote a post about Joleen today and text her to thank her for being her in my life. I think I gave her a shock more than a surprise. She asked if everything’s Okie etc. it send a chuckle into my heart and how fortunate I am, to have the love showered upon me by so many people. 

I’m still the emo me. But the me now wants to use whatever I can, to inspire and touch the lives of the people around me, to impact their lives and create a more meaningful purpose. 

所以我还是去了。

What a month!

INTENSE is the word for my last four weeks.

I’m so thankful that I’m in a better place now. 

A client was upset with me (still is), and I’ve let go of it. 我没有错。我也解释了。It’s a long relationship, and he’s been with me for many years. So I’m sad about how things have turned out, but I’ve come to peace with how it is.

Ever since I did the Gallup strengths assessment, I’ve been more aware of my values and strengths; and how it torment me when certain values aren’t aligned with my core beliefs. 

The previous me will just 转牛角尖 & 想不通。

But now I could identify what’s the conflict etc, and why it’s tormenting me, and what are the things I can/cannot control. 

Another thing happened at work, but that has been resolved too. (Finally)

But that did cause a lot more tension in my little world, as I battled my own big emotions.. hahahaha.. 

I guess this is growth. This is the part of me that is still learning. 

I wanted to tender, cause I felt that the values weren’t aligned. 

I’ve always been someone who voices out as long as I don’t agree with things. And I did. Not because the event happened in my garden. It didn’t concern me directly or indirectly. But I still did it anyway. Cause CONSISTENCY is one of my top 5 strengths.. lol.. and I’m the kind if it’s not consistent, then sorry I can’t work with you anymore. 

I can’t. I just can’t. And that tormented me for days. Cause I didn’t have a plan B. 

Am I really going to sell my house and change our living standards just coz I can’t close two eyes? 

The torment and conflict 🤣🤣🤣

William says the family is willing to, cause there is no purpose in anything if I’m not happy. But even if we do that, what am I going to do in life? What skills do I have out of this?

Did a lot of soul searching and deep thinking during the last few weeks.

I had a huge ironing session - to clarify many things.   

Glad that I had a good talk with him. It repaired our relationship and also clarified many misunderstandings. All the “he say I say things”, and how we all have the same values of wanting to make the company a better place, but because of our roles, our priorities can be different. 

William and Leonard says I’ll drown in corporate life. 

I think I already did. 

This is me attending an event last week with new friends met this year. 

Happy and thankful that I stepped out of my tiny bubble, and didn’t let fear stop me from enjoying the learning. Thankful for the new friendship forged too.

 我不开心🫣

A dear cousin passed away last night and I went to her wake last night. 

I used to be very close to her - coz she was a big sister that I admired. Played the piano very well, had good grades and she was very kind. 

As we grew up, we drifted. And even when she was going thru her chemotherapy few years ago, I didn’t reach out. I didn’t know how to. 

“Are you feeling okay/better/alright?”

All these sound so redundant and extra. It adds additional stress to the person who’s trying to get well. So I never contacted her directly. I do get updates from my mom who sees them pretty regularly. Even when my mom told me that her days are numbered, I struggled if I should text her. What would I say? I went anyway, after Joleen and Jael encouraged me to. And they didn’t want me to live with regrets. I’m glad that they did. Else I’ll probably feel a lot worse than now. 

I remember getting her flowers that day. She was very energetic when I went. She talked abt her pains, her course treatment etc. i remember leaving the house, thinking that my mama had exaggerated her condition. (But I was glad she did). 

I guess that day has been one of her better days. I hope she’s in a better place now, away from all the suffering and pain. 

There’s a lot of emotions going on for me and I don’t necessarily know how to express and identify each of them. 

“How does one pour out from an empty cup?”

“What’s my purpose in life?” 

“Can I take a break from living?”

“Can I take a break from wearing the many hats?”

A thankful heart

The birthday came and left. My heart is filled with gratitude for all the love and messages received. 

Birthdays hold a different meaning especially as I grow older.

When I was in my 20s or younger, birthdays meant big celebrations; loud parties 🥳. My goals then was to just earn as much as I can, so that I can prove to my parents that this career was right. 

When I was in my 30s, I just wanted more TIME for my family. The balance between being there for the kids vs having a decent career was what drives me. 

Now that I’m in my 40s, I just wanna bask in the current moment - to enjoy what’s on my plate, my friends, my health and my time now. 

When I read some of the msgs written by my kids @ work yesterday, my heart is filled with gratitude. Almost wanted to cry 🤣🤣🤣 让我又爱又烦的小朋友。

Thankful for the opportunity to lead, to inspire, to support them, to see each of them grow in their baby steps. And that fulfils me. 

With a grateful heart and a tummy full of yummy cakes! Thank you God!

Small victories!

Just wanna record a fulfilling day for me. 

Finally launched my first e-book online! Although there was quite a few hiccups here and there, I’m glad that I managed to pull it thru! Like how I spended more time than I expected in drafting the book, doing up the web link and then friends say they didn’t receive the copy. Somehow the web link had some glitches! And I couldn’t resolve it coz by then I had a team lunch with my work kids followed by our team bonding event. 

I’m happy that they enjoyed the event. Everyone who came managed to know each other a little better I guess. 

I was the only one who went on to fix a work appt in office! Kinda regret my decision.. lol.. coz I was so sweaty and smelly by the time the team building. . 

Thankfully the clients came on time and I even managed to close an unexpected case from that appt! Praise the Lord!! 

Thankful for a great Thursday! My heart is full. 

If anyone would like to download my e-book, here’s the link too: https://mailchi.mp/lenafinancemama/first-finance-book

I struggled to think if I should post this - be it on my LinkedIn or here. But this is my safe space. So here it is. 

一分耕耘 一分收获

Behind the glamour and recognition, there are so many people quietly supporting me to where I am. The hubby who took full shift of the kids just so that I could work without guilt and fear. The colleagues who cheered for me and pulled me along when I doubted myself. My cheerleaders who simply listened and cheered as I fought my way thru. 

My goal this year is TOT. Not COT. So yes I’m behind schedule. Hahaha.. I know. 

Why did I wanna do such a crazy goal?

Cause I believe actions speak louder than words. Because I feel that this is my way of showing my kids@work that everything is possible, as long as they try. 

If God is willing, I’ll do my best and trust that He will do the rest.

2 rounds done, 4 more to go! Let’s go! 🎉