My precious me time

Enjoying my alone time while William took the young kids to 拜年 with his cousins. I am contemplating going to my moms place earlier but that would b at the expense of the precious moment now.. hahaha.. 

I defused an explosion of my own a while ago. Was feeling irked and feelings of unfairness brewing when William said he wanna bao $xxx to his cousins kids. It’s certainly not something I would do la, and as much as he feels that he’s close to his cousins, I feel that the feeling isn’t mutual la.. so yes, I have every right to qn why etc; but instead of going that route, I decided to just do it for him. It’s only once a year and I should honour the man who doesn’t expect me to attend his side of gatherings while insisting to always appear for mine (I gave him free will too!) . 

I’m happy that I choose to let go, and not b miserable and ruin everyone’s mood. I’m glad that I’m in control of my moods; coz I know the emo me could easily have gone either way. 

This is my resolution for the last few years. To b in better control of my mental, to live happily and to expect less. 

Thankful 

Easily triggered

Today the person is me. Could feel myself snapping at William since the morning. I don’t like change ; nor uncertainty nor the way his side of the family do certain things. It’s my own perceptions, I know. If I think bad, it’s bad. If I think the good of it, it’s good. Anyway not a saint today. 

The reunion lunch timing was shifted from 12 to 2pm two days before. 2pm is late lunch, and it means we need to eat breakfast then a light lunch then go over for the main lunch. 

William could spot my triggers today quite early in the game (thankfully); and has suggested me to stay in my room while the kids and mil is outside waiting for time to pass. So yes, the personal space is good. It is helping me recover from my explosive mode to neutral mode. 

We had yday leftovers as our light lunch and it helped comfort me too..

Reminder to self: the man visits my whole extended family every week and host them regularly. I only need to appear on a few big occasions for his side. So pls, buck me, Lena ! Late lunch also means it’s a shorter socialising gathering coz we need to leave by 4pm latest. 

Thankfulness

 

Waiting for my prospect to arrive. I’m an hr early. Coz I buffered too much time to say goodbye to the little baby. But as I told him “mama is going to work”, he nod his head and rush to the door. I told him that he’s going to help me press the lift before going home. He nod again. (Though I was still doubting how much he actually comprehend). I open the door for him, he ran out, pressed the lift and went back into the house and wave goodbye to me. 

I certainly didn’t expect the cheerful farewell. After all, his sisters are had their loud and dramatic way of saying goodbyes. To be honest, I was shocked and a little sad. But I guess this is good for all of us. This is day 2 of saying our goodbyes properly instead of hiding/ distracting him while I plan my escape route. 

Thankful for this little boy in our lives. He has helped me see more aspects of Vera than before. She is different and nothing like her two sisters. And I need to collect the bullets on her good days so that I can use them when the next explosion arises. 

Thankful that we are very much alive and healthy; thankful for family. Thankful that I have work today. Looking forward to cny.

“I love you, Lord, my strength. The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.”

‭‭

“I love you, Lord, my strength. The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭18‬:‭1‬-‭2‬ ‭NIV‬‬

https://bible.com/bible/111/psa.18.1-2.NIV

P/S: the prospect asked if I enjoyed my job, and I think I gave her too much honesty for a first appt. At this juncture, I don’t hate my job, but I’m not loving it passionately like when I first started. I probably should have asked her back, coz then it would put things in perspective. A lot of times, I think we put too much feelings / emotions into our work compared to salaried workers. 

Entering 2023

The last day of 2022 ended with a massive meltdown from Vera, like a volcano eruption that hasn’t happened for a long while. As much as I tried, it completely consumed both of us. Joash saw the whole episode and it left him in tears during it and throughout the whole night. 

I felt defeated. 

Defeated that I fell short in so many ways. That I lacked the wisdom and patience to dissect the bomb. I felt incompetent, that I wasn’t spending the last few days doing fun and memorable things with my kids. My social media feeds are flooded with mummies bringing their kids to here or there; showing how capable they are. But here I am, soaked with tears and wishing Thanos would snap me away. 

I wished God would take me away. I wished food could provide some comfort but it didn’t. Logged off my social media and archived some of the group chats coz it was just too much for me.

I know this too shall pass. And I’m a lot more than this. But at this juncture, it’s just HARD. Hard to remember that everyone is different. That for the areas that I aren’t good at, I should look at the areas I am. That I should love myself more and give myself more credit.