A day as a finance mama

I saw my young adviser run towards the office glass door. I  was shocked. After all she had text me earlier to say she might be late. (I’m still trying to accept late comings.)

As I start my training, I still see the beads of sweat dripping from her forehead. 

Have I pushed them too hard? Did I drive fear so much that she ran in just so that she wouldn’t be late?

My CEO says today’s times are different from my era. I should learn not to be that difficult. Maybe he’s right. I should be thankful that people still bothered to come. 

Anyway I’m thankful that she has a great attitude towards training, learning and everything. I’m quite flattered by the way. 

I’m learning too. Just like flying a kite. When to let loose and when to hold tight. 

May God give me the wisdom and patience as I teach these young kids. 

Reflections 2024

For many reasons I stopped blogging last year. But I’m back. 

And I want to start by penning my reflections for 2024. 

The many things I’m grateful for 2024

• My GR improved by 5% 

The fact that it didn’t dropped despite the increase in workload - Im thankful. 2024 had been a crazy hectic year, juggling two PSLE kids, the added management workload etc

• Team improvement 

About 80% of my kids improved their performance last year, and I’m thankful to be around to witness their amazing growth. Some did their personal best ever, some were happy to be first time parents, and some were happy to chill. I’m grateful for their trust in me - tbh . I wouldn’t have  lasted that long if not for their constant love and kindness.

• Couple trip 

Looking back, I’m thankful for the couple trip that William and I did last year. It was a good break from parenting duties, and to refocus on just us. To pay attention to the man that has quietly grown old, but never before put us in second priority. 

• Personal growth

I’m amazed by my own growth; my mental growth. My confidence to hold my own and not stand in the shadows of my predecessor or anyone else for that matter.

• Mexico 

The unexpected trip away from my family coz of work brought me deeper friendships. I still look at the photos once a while. I know it wouldn’t happen again, that’s why I cherish those memories even more. 

Thankful for what 2024 has given me. 

Even though the first quarter of 2025 has been filled with MC and slowly getting into the momentum, I will constantly remind myself that I’m better now. I’m doing Okie. 

Whatever is God’s plans for me, I will follow. 

Protecting myself

 I finally did what I’ve wanted to do for the last few months. I stepped down as the kindergarten teacher. 

There were many reasons why I wanted to, but I think the last straw was when new advisers were always late for trainings. The blatant lack of respect for all the trainers when we curved out time out of our busy schedule to do this. I told them few days ago “Don’t apologise for the late coming. Just arrive before 9am. If you wouldn’t dare to be late for your clients appt, then what gives you the right to do that to trainers?” 

That was what I did. 

I tried to improve the culture / their working attitude and I failed. I tried to tell myself not to let it affect me, and I failed too. So I decided to just step down and protect myself. 

我的功力不够深厚，所以我选择离开保护自己. 

Felt a sense of relief once I settled everything. I guess the cruise + recent spate of events have pushed me to focus on what’s really important in my life. Declutter my life and proritise joy.

Overcoming

I think I’m out of my black hole. I think the crazy appts helped even though that also creates a whole set of other problems. 

Sometimes I think I’m too hard on myself. 

Angela reminded me that I should continue journaling in this space. I wanted to. But I was also afraid that the handful friends who’s reading it might be too worried. And seriously, when I’m struggling, the last I want is another text to ask me if I’m alright. 🫣🫣🫣 Is that weird? 

I guess I just don’t wan additional attention/ limelight on me. I would pretty much prefer a silent prayer, a lunch or bunch of flowers. Hahaha.. 

And also I was pretty much fighting fire and learning new skills last year that I didn’t have time to come back. 

I’m thankful for last year. 2024 had been kind to me. Despite the hectic times, it’s fulfilling to see my advisers bloom and grow. I love this part of my work. Just enhancing and making sure that I give the best environment to them, so that they can grow. 

And I had my first appreciation lunch as a “老板”. My heart is filled with warmth and gratitude. 

Emotional Challenges

I don’t like the me now. 

There are days when I’m grateful and count my blessings. But there are also days where the anxiety hits and the inability to do much frustrates me. And this is one of those days. 

I know there are countless things to be grateful for. In fact when I came into my blog yesterday, I realize it’s always been an outlet for me to rant but seldom to celebrate my wins. Shall take a mental note to write more of the wins moving forward. 

I know there are countless things to be grateful for. At least I have a husband who wouldn’t faint at the sight of my wound, one who accompanies me for almost all my visits, and one who painstakingly help me put “保鲜纸” all over my back, before helping me shower just so that I wouldn’t wet my wound. I know and I’m grateful for him. But sometimes, I’m guilty of bursting out at him too. 🥹🥹🥹

And today is one of those days I completely lose it. Not his fault. It’s a case of “he say, I say, I think he say and I think she say” etc. 

Thankfully I didn’t blow up to WW3. I burst out crying when I realize how cruel I’m treating this man who has been so exhausted holding the fort all this while. 

I know all this will come to pass one day. I know. 

This is just one of those days where everything seem a little bit harder. 

This is one of those days where I doubt my self worth. I know I’m a lot more than the working Lena Soon. I do. I really should pick up cross stitch again. Colouring and reading are just not the same. Lol. 

I contemplated if I should blog here coz then the few friends will be worried. Please don’t. I will be fine. Don’t ask. Just help me say a little prayer if you can 😘

Slow Saturday

I haven’t been sleeping much for the last 2 days - something like what I experienced when I was in Mexico. And this was after doing good sleep for 1 week! In fact I was doing a 8-10hrs of sleep ever since I got back! Then this suddenly happened, and I was sleeping like 3-4hrs again. 

I told William it’s becoz my “bed”went to Japan. Very guazhang I know. And this mere fact itself scares me. Coz it’s something I should learn / get used to it eventually. Either when we travel separately, or if he’s no longer around 🥹. #emogenes 

I contemplated buying a ticket and fly over, but there are so many things here that I want to do too! Do my best for this quarter for work, encourage my kids@work to hit their respective goals, handhold our recent new additions etc 

So I didn’t. At least not yet. 

Hiding in the room after lunch, coz it’s easier if the helper coax Joash for nap instead of me. I need a nap too. 100 things I wanted to bring the toddler out for the weekend, but in the end he chose to stay home to play toys. So we did. Played bubbles too, together with lotsa meltdowns sandwiched in between. I’m not a perfect mom. And sometimes my kids feel that I behave more like one than them. And it’s easy to feel stressed and overwhelmed and incompetent when things don’t go the way I want. Need to keep reminding myself that everyone struggles as a parent (in one way or another), just that seldom do people post abt it online. It’s always abt painting the successful image or the happy kids image, which doesn’t happen 24/7. 

Anyway, I should just remain focus and be thankful that my kids are healthy. I have a good helper who can help with the household, and kids that are tolerant with one another (most of the time).  Tempted to fall asleep even before the kid does. Should I? 🫣😜🤣😴

My after thoughts

Penning my thoughts after my solo convention. Decided to go for the convention on my own, coz there were quite a few of my advisers who qualified for the first time. And I wanted to be there with them, despite the fact that William can’t come along. 

I got home sick even before the trip started. The hormones just hit me as I embarked on my >20hrs journey. Cried myself silly that the airline crew came to ask how was I when they noticed that I hardly touched my food. They probably saw the tears and offered me some KitKat! Hahaha.. that was really sweet of them. 

But despite the homesick, the companionship was awesome. Met new friends, got to know some existing ones even better. 

This is the irony of a convention I guess. If I had brought my family along, I wouldn’t have been that home sick, but that would mean I wouldn’t have been to hang out so much with my new found awesome traveling kakis. 

I never thought I would show my vulnerability to people other than JM & J. But here I am happy to forge deeper relationships with these two. 

Grateful for the 3 of them. They tolerated my shortcomings, my inability to read directions; or book an Uber, or simply pack my bags. They embraced my emotional rollercoasters, gave me a safe space when I just needed time alone on my own. It’s not easy to find friends like that, where I can be so comfortable with. Coz I’m not easy to 相处。

I didn’t realize how much I’m going to miss the time we spent together until I started penning this. This trip must have been a gift from God, who send these 3 angels here, so that I could enjoy myself fully as an individual, as me, not mama choo.. 

Doing a mask on the plane and missing the nights where we chatted and put on masks!  We probably did more masks for the whole of this week compared to the last 1yr. 

Looking back at my Mexico photos, I realize we didn’t take that much pictures together. But the memories will always stay with me. Thankful for new found friends. Thankful for stepping out and trying something different.Thank God for everything!