Overcoming

I think I’m out of my black hole. I think the crazy appts helped even though that also creates a whole set of other problems. 

Sometimes I think I’m too hard on myself. 

Angela reminded me that I should continue journaling in this space. I wanted to. But I was also afraid that the handful friends who’s reading it might be too worried. And seriously, when I’m struggling, the last I want is another text to ask me if I’m alright. 🫣🫣🫣 Is that weird? 

I guess I just don’t wan additional attention/ limelight on me. I would pretty much prefer a silent prayer, a lunch or bunch of flowers. Hahaha.. 

And also I was pretty much fighting fire and learning new skills last year that I didn’t have time to come back. 

I’m thankful for last year. 2024 had been kind to me. Despite the hectic times, it’s fulfilling to see my advisers bloom and grow. I love this part of my work. Just enhancing and making sure that I give the best environment to them, so that they can grow. 

And I had my first appreciation lunch as a “老板”. My heart is filled with warmth and gratitude. 

Emotional Challenges

I don’t like the me now. 

There are days when I’m grateful and count my blessings. But there are also days where the anxiety hits and the inability to do much frustrates me. And this is one of those days. 

I know there are countless things to be grateful for. In fact when I came into my blog yesterday, I realize it’s always been an outlet for me to rant but seldom to celebrate my wins. Shall take a mental note to write more of the wins moving forward. 

I know there are countless things to be grateful for. At least I have a husband who wouldn’t faint at the sight of my wound, one who accompanies me for almost all my visits, and one who painstakingly help me put “保鲜纸” all over my back, before helping me shower just so that I wouldn’t wet my wound. I know and I’m grateful for him. But sometimes, I’m guilty of bursting out at him too. 🥹🥹🥹

And today is one of those days I completely lose it. Not his fault. It’s a case of “he say, I say, I think he say and I think she say” etc. 

Thankfully I didn’t blow up to WW3. I burst out crying when I realize how cruel I’m treating this man who has been so exhausted holding the fort all this while. 

I know all this will come to pass one day. I know. 

This is just one of those days where everything seem a little bit harder. 

This is one of those days where I doubt my self worth. I know I’m a lot more than the working Lena Soon. I do. I really should pick up cross stitch again. Colouring and reading are just not the same. Lol. 

I contemplated if I should blog here coz then the few friends will be worried. Please don’t. I will be fine. Don’t ask. Just help me say a little prayer if you can 😘

Slow Saturday

I haven’t been sleeping much for the last 2 days - something like what I experienced when I was in Mexico. And this was after doing good sleep for 1 week! In fact I was doing a 8-10hrs of sleep ever since I got back! Then this suddenly happened, and I was sleeping like 3-4hrs again. 

I told William it’s becoz my “bed”went to Japan. Very guazhang I know. And this mere fact itself scares me. Coz it’s something I should learn / get used to it eventually. Either when we travel separately, or if he’s no longer around 🥹. #emogenes 

I contemplated buying a ticket and fly over, but there are so many things here that I want to do too! Do my best for this quarter for work, encourage my kids@work to hit their respective goals, handhold our recent new additions etc 

So I didn’t. At least not yet. 

Hiding in the room after lunch, coz it’s easier if the helper coax Joash for nap instead of me. I need a nap too. 100 things I wanted to bring the toddler out for the weekend, but in the end he chose to stay home to play toys. So we did. Played bubbles too, together with lotsa meltdowns sandwiched in between. I’m not a perfect mom. And sometimes my kids feel that I behave more like one than them. And it’s easy to feel stressed and overwhelmed and incompetent when things don’t go the way I want. Need to keep reminding myself that everyone struggles as a parent (in one way or another), just that seldom do people post abt it online. It’s always abt painting the successful image or the happy kids image, which doesn’t happen 24/7. 

Anyway, I should just remain focus and be thankful that my kids are healthy. I have a good helper who can help with the household, and kids that are tolerant with one another (most of the time).  Tempted to fall asleep even before the kid does. Should I? 🫣😜🤣😴

My after thoughts

Penning my thoughts after my solo convention. Decided to go for the convention on my own, coz there were quite a few of my advisers who qualified for the first time. And I wanted to be there with them, despite the fact that William can’t come along. 

I got home sick even before the trip started. The hormones just hit me as I embarked on my >20hrs journey. Cried myself silly that the airline crew came to ask how was I when they noticed that I hardly touched my food. They probably saw the tears and offered me some KitKat! Hahaha.. that was really sweet of them. 

But despite the homesick, the companionship was awesome. Met new friends, got to know some existing ones even better. 

This is the irony of a convention I guess. If I had brought my family along, I wouldn’t have been that home sick, but that would mean I wouldn’t have been to hang out so much with my new found awesome traveling kakis. 

I never thought I would show my vulnerability to people other than JM & J. But here I am happy to forge deeper relationships with these two. 

Grateful for the 3 of them. They tolerated my shortcomings, my inability to read directions; or book an Uber, or simply pack my bags. They embraced my emotional rollercoasters, gave me a safe space when I just needed time alone on my own. It’s not easy to find friends like that, where I can be so comfortable with. Coz I’m not easy to 相处。

I didn’t realize how much I’m going to miss the time we spent together until I started penning this. This trip must have been a gift from God, who send these 3 angels here, so that I could enjoy myself fully as an individual, as me, not mama choo.. 

Doing a mask on the plane and missing the nights where we chatted and put on masks!  We probably did more masks for the whole of this week compared to the last 1yr. 

Looking back at my Mexico photos, I realize we didn’t take that much pictures together. But the memories will always stay with me. Thankful for new found friends. Thankful for stepping out and trying something different.Thank God for everything!

After two movies, I didn’t feel like watching anymore. Another 3 more hrs before I reach Tokyo, and continue the second leg to LAX. 

Without realisation, I started crying. 

Emo came knocking. 

I miss my family. I miss William and the kids. I tried to numb the pain by buying crazy at Changi just now. Bought a stash of make up and skincare essentials, but it did little to cheer me up. 

Barely touched my lunch and the friendly airplane crew kept checking if they could give me a replacement meal. It’s nice to be taken care of, especially when it’s usually me taking care of my kids.

Oh God, I miss home so much, though the mooncake and Kit Kat did help provide some comfort. 

I ended up chitchatting in the family chat with the girls. They would have been delighted to be on the long flight. To be able to watch unlimited TV for so long, is a dream come true for Vera.. lol.. 

I know I’ll be fine once I meet up with the ladies. I know I’ll end up enjoying myself, enjoy the little break, enjoy the uninterrupted sleep etc. 

Will try to do some work, work that I haven’t been able to touch when it was crazy hectic last week. 

Emo-ing

 The last few days have been tough, especially when the appts have died down. 

I finally manage to start packing for the trip. And it is so tough. To pack and leave the family behind for a week. 

The crazy thoughts started on Friday - that mayb I should try to skip it entirely. Thinking of 101 ways to skip it legitimately. The thoughts probably got so loud that I ended up telling to a colleague in the lift! And he wasn’t even that close to me.. 

Why don’t I wanna go? 

1. Coz I feel that I haven’t spend enough time with the kids, be it the teenager; the psle twins or even the toddler. 
2. I haven’t work enough for this mth/quarter/season. Work has been crazy hectic but not all work translate to my personal sales directly. Work now has many meanings: personal sales, coaching, training, attending mgmt meetings etc and the list goes on. I checked my last two weeks schedule and everyday was filled with meetings.
3. I felt like I made the wrong choice to go. 
4. Packing is a chore. I always seem to bring the same few sets of clothes there. I’m afraid that people recognise that I’m always wearing the same clothes.. sad truth 

Before I go on and on abt it, I stumbled onto a post abt choices and how time is finite. And because of this, we shouldn’t waste time in doing things that we doing enjoy / being stuck in situations that we felt forced to. 

I probably felt compelled to go coz I had no choices. But is that really right? I think I can really get an MC if I want to and skip the whole thing. Just that mere thought kinda change my perspective 180 degrees. 

Perhaps I should think of why I wanna go? 

1. Jiamin will be there besides fun Angela! Hahahah.. and I wanna celebrate their success with them. And mine too! 
2. It will serve as a good break for me too. 
3. It will b good if I can speak to 2 other practitioners not in my company. My client, L, told me, to start small. Don’t make myself over stimulated. She taught me some tips and it will be nice to put them into practice. 

They say the truth will set us free. I do hope that I’ll be able to sleep well tonight, esp after I’ve aligned my thoughts. 

God, pls heal me completely. The lingering cough, esp during the nights are extremely tough. I’m starting to stress that it will affect JM sleep when we reach Mexico. God, guide me, in yr ways, show me the things that I can’t see. God, give me yr super powers so that i can reach out to people! In Jesus name I pray, amen! 

Weekend blues

The boy who had multiple meltdowns today, for various reasons. Clearly he is overdue for his nap, but he isn’t willing to zzz. 

His other “twin” also had a major meltdown this morning too, due to insufficient zzz plus unable to regulate her emotionally during her Math revision. 

Times like this, I struggled. I wished I have the wisdom to better manage my own thoughts as well as my kids. 

If anyone told u that parenting is a breeze or is always a bed of roses, don’t believe in that myth! Yes it brings along its joy and fulfilment, but it’s never a breeze or always cheerful. It comes along with tears and frustrations, that’s why the whole parenting journey is filled with bittersweet memories. 

I went for a run this morning bcoz it’s the best way to get endorphins without calories.. lol.. and as much as I enjoy swimming, jogging is the only exercise that my kids will allow me to go without causing an uproar. The toddler would never allow me to swim without him. Plus the sun makes swimming in the mid day an equal challenge to my face which is already filled with age.. hahahahaha..

Also I like to do things which I find it hard to accomplish. It’s a form of discipline. It requires hard work to resist taking the easy route. It requires discipline to continue. 

Hopefully I’ll be able to do this for the next 29 days!