Tough week

Happy nails to an otherwise tough week.. 

What was supposed to be a 3D2N couple short trip ended up being a half day trip to JB bcoz William mom is still in hospital, coupled with the fact that Joy is going to do her own jab tomorrow and I wanted to be around for her. I don’t think I can even start talking abt this without tearing. Even the few words here is able to start me on a heavy downpour. 

I saw this bible verse on Joash artwork from church on Saturday. Trying my best to remind myself of God’s promises though at this moment in time, it did little to comfort me. 

The last week has been extremely tough. 

I had a heart to heart talk with Joy to brtter understand her condition. Turns out she has been in extreme pain for longer than I thought. When I asked why she never once told us abt it, her only reply to us was she didn’t want to be an additional burden to us coz our hands are full with the other 3 kids. My heart broke once again. 😭😭😭 My sensible teenager who thought it’s better that she just swallow her pain so that she doesn’t cause further trouble to us. 

I ended up killing myself for the first few days bcoz of this. 

“Had I not paid enough attention to her such that she didn’t think it was safe to speak up?”

“Why didn’t I notice the signs?” 

“What kind of mom am I when I don’t even know what’s the name of her illness?” 

“Why have we given her bad genes?”

“Why can’t I be the one suffering?”

心很痛

And then the financial mom went to check her coverage. My planning for my own kids or my clients’ kids have been consistent. Get H&S for them and a basic whole life plan and they can always top up the rest when they start work. 

But this will no longer be an option for her. Her condition meant she can no longer buy any insurance. 

Has my planning been flawed? On hindsight I should have gotten an additional huge term with convertibility, so that the parents / kids have a chance to top up without health assessment. 

This I shared with my client during the Saturday review. I ended up tearing during the appt, which was so unexpected. I had spoke too much that my wound hurts. 

In fact the last week I ended up crying everywhere when some of my friends asked. Haiz.. I was a total wreck. 

I felt that I had failed in so many areas: 做妈妈也没做好，做我唯一会做的工作也没把它做到完整。

“I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭40‬:‭1‬-‭2‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Praying for God’s healing upon her and wisdom to ride thru this journey together. Praying that I will be out of the woods soon. Amen!