Checkmate!

I don’t remember the last time we quarrelled on Xmas day. 

He felt frustrated coz the twins and their cousins were glued to the TV but Joash was bored. Eventually he flared up at the twins and we all left for home. 

In the car, he was still fuming mad. Even after the twins apologised for their behaviour, every cell in him was still 😡. I was angry at him being angry. 

I mean what more do u wan la.. and he kept going on and on abt “next time no more xxxx..” which irks me coz don’t pull empty threats when we all know it will never happen. Eventually the kids will realize those are empty shells and be no longer afraid of them anyways. I rather you pulled sustainable threats, threats that can be fulfilled.

Anyway I eventually yelled at him and ask him what more does he want, coz he definitely has ruined everyone’s evening, esp on Xmas day. 

I rem going into Joash room to make him zzz, crying silently. By the time I was done, the girls were in their respective rooms and no man in sight. He has disappeared or walked out on us, leaving behind his hp. 

Rage filled me. I text him a few msgs coz I suddenly rem he might be able to see it on his smart watch. Eventually I switch off his hp and hid it. “Since he doesn’t need his hp, then he doesn’t need one.” - that was what was going thru my mind. I wanted to put it into the freezer but my logical mind told myself that I will end up paying for the new phone. There were more creative places that I wanted to put in, like inside his boots, or on top of the Nespresso machine. But at that point in time, I wasn’t sure if I wanted him to find the hidden treasure so I simply kept it inside my cupboard. 

Rage turned into fear as the time passes by. I was now worried for his safety. Not that I fear he will be kidnapped. But more of what if he has a heart attack and doesn’t have his hp to call the ambulance (or-bi-good right, say my spiteful self).. I think my feelings are all over the place. 

Eventually he came back, in what seem like eternity. Relieved but still angry. 

My old self would have got into a battle of words, just like how the street fighters players K.O the opponent. But the me now understands that sparring will just drag the time further and both of us would b exhuasted. 

I simply covered my head with blanket and that was when I started to think logically of the options I have. I could flare up and explode, like the angry guy in “Inside out” or I could examine and ask myself what was I feeling upset abt.  I listed the things I was upset abt in my mind. I felt that the issues weren’t huge when I listed them calmly. 

He moved his first step by placing a small pillow on my head. lol…the old me will just throw it back and explode la.. coz I had every right to do that when he disappeared ya… 

I considered my moves. I could do that or I could heave a sigh of relief and be thankful that at least he bothered to try pacify me. So I returned back playfully. 

Repeated for a few times and eventually we were good. 

I’m happy that I took charge of my own emotions and moves. I know that I shouldn’t let anyone make me feel xxxx. I’m responsible for myself. I can make myself happy, and I didn’t need someone else’s response to make me feel that.

It’s a huge step for people with big emotions.