Impulsive Act

This morning as I was driving to office, a feeling/thought came to me again.. in fact, it's been nudging me for quite some time.. - to give IVF a shot! Gasp! Did I really say that? Did I really want that? Or am I hallucinating again? Arrgh... this feeling's been tempting me yet again.. esp when my work has kinda close for this banding year, and I'm kinda free, after settling my existing cases... so yes, i'm free.. and yes, i'm letting my thoughts run wild again...

While driving today, I even thought about my twins! Can you believe it? OMG... it's like daydreaming.. you feel so good while at it..but the world falls apart as soon as you reach sanity. Haiz... Anyway, I concluded that I was too free now.. and maybe a holiday will help to relieve me instead... and yes, we are going to a short gateaway this Sun.. 主啊！请你救我啊！

Anyway, I brought my thoughts along to lunch with Uncle Pig.. we had shabu shabu (great! Comfort food!), and in the midst of it, he saw my thoughts wondered off.. haiz... and I told him, that maybe we could try IVF and have twins? hahaha.. it sounded completely absurd.. i mean, to have one successful is quite impossible, and to have twins? Not forgetting that we still have our normal bills and logistics and HB to trouble with...

And darling Uncle Pig actually replied.. " I know if you never try it, you will always live in regret. If you are willing, let's do it. " I told him that if we really were to do it, it would mean that he would be at the suffering end of my emotional rollercoasters, and I asked him if he was prepared for it. To which he replied yes.

You know, how things in life are, when we indeed need to try it for ourselves, then we realise and experience it, then we close the chapter and move on? “要撞墙才会知道痛吗？” It's just like in the past, when I wanted to do an exchange program in my uni days, and even though he know that I won't be able to survive, he agreed to it. He knew that our r/s would suffer if I go, but he agreed to it. During our wedding preparations, he wanted a simple quiet event, but I wanted to announce to the world, and he agreed to do it my way. He agreed to all, because he knows that if I don't do it, I will always think about it, and I will have regrets. Even though recently, I told him that I wished we didnt do such a big wedding then, he simply laughed it off and say that if we didnt had a big wedding then, most probably, I would continue to nag at him till this date.. haha.. so true... the same applies for IVF too.. i guess.. i most probably will regret it subsequently, when I suffer from the heartaches and the failures.. but if I dont do it, this thought of mine will persist on and on...

So at that juncture, I did an impulse action! I called the clinic, and they were able to slot us in for an appt this thur! Yesh! This thurs! My gynae, the ever- long waiting list. The nice receptionist was able to slot us in this thur.. and I even discussed with william, maybe we can even do in July! And if it's not successful, then maybe we will mourn in Sept-Nov... and life will restart back to normal after that? Ahhh... really impulse hor.. Maybe I'm just like Eve, who's ever so curious to taste the forbidden fruit, at the expense of the world.. haiz.. I know I'm the disobedient child, to ignore everything, and to go with my heart.. but God, I pray for your mercy and annointing. Lord, I pray that you grant me success. Lord, I pray that you have mercy on us, and give us the children that we deeply yearn for.. Lord, I know that all things are possible, if it's in yr way.. Lord, I beg you... that you give us the gift, that we want.. 主啊，可不可以给我这个小小的请求？可能我很倔强，可能我的请求很unreasonable, 可是这就是我今年的birthday request..
- Amen -

Looking forward to the appt on Thur..Lord, if it's not in yr way, I pray that you let the gynae know.. and that he won't permit us to do it.. Lord, I pray that you help us in this situation..