Emo..

This is me at 3am last night. For two nights in a row, our little friend has been waking up at 2, drink his milk, coaxed to zz, put into cot and wake up with big eyes smiling at me. And such battles usually last for 2 hrs at least.. For yesterday, William took over from 3-5. Then he woke up again at 5ish.. fed him milk again, changed diaper and zzz with nightmares .. kept waking up every 10-15mins… 

Praying for strength to carry forward. I’m tired, so is William. It’s the pre-weekend blues and if weekdays are so bad already, I don’t want weekends to come..😭😭😭

This too shall pass, I know … but God, can u make it easier for 我们两个老人家… 

Me!

Spend some time for myself, praying and journaling. Really appreciate such windows when I have time all by myself. No need to jaga the kids, do zoom, or reply emails. Just time for MYSELF.. 

Went for cupping this morning, after a long hiatus and had comfort food near the office!

It isn’t the best Korean food but it’s comfort food. Food that I’m familiar with; food that we always come when working in office was still the norm. Time passed; and suddenly wfh has been the new norm for the last 2 yrs; along with mask wearing and hand sanitizers. Overnight every singaporean were trained to wear mask, something quite unheard of before 2020. 

The last week was crazy for us because the twins had high fever for a few days. It’s been a long while since their temps cross 39.5! So along with nursing them, we had to make sure Joash and Joy were shielded from the virus. And our little boy had to choose this period to wake up every hr middle of the night (during the weekend) I really wanted to kill him.. hahahaha.. guess that’s what they say, the cuter the baby, the more “interesting” events. 

Going for my facial soon before heading home to pick the baby.. it’s been a long day for uncle pig and I’m going to take over his shift.. 

Thankful for today.. thankful for the break.. thank u God for everything!

“Blessed are those who keep his statutes and seek him with all their heart—”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭119:2‬ ‭NIV‬‬

https://psalm.bible/psalm-119-2

We did the MRI yday.. like finally and it wasn’t a walk in the park. Firstly both of us couldn’t zzz the night before but we didn’t tell each other.. lol 

Anyway, on Friday morning brought the big baby for his MRI. You could see that for all the things he could do for his family, medical appts isn’t one that he can just go. Which is fine. It’s an opportunity for me to sayang the big giant I guess. Anyway, long and short of the story, he had to be sedated bcoz he freaked out again. I’m trying to be the emphatic wife but hor, I had to bite my lips several times just to remind myself not to say the wrong things.. 

We finally did it. The appt took 3 hrs plus. Next wed going to see the doctor. Praying that the results would be clear and that the dizzy spells are just due to fatigue or “gaming too much” (his own words). 

I slept so well last night. Could go back to zzz immediately after settling Joash motn feeds. So thankful! 

Brought the twins to their enrichment class today. We took public and literally crawled from woodleigh to Delfi! Enjoying my breakfast at Starbucks now bcoz I’m down to 3x pumps a day! Yeah ! First time on a Saturday where I don’t need to blog while pumping at the nursing room at forum. 

I need to focus on myself and my well being; instead of the pump! Going to eat clean again and lose the excess weight. (The emotional roller coaster and sleepless nights did nothing to help)

But today is good bcoz I had good rest last night. 🤗Beautiful Saturday! 

Sleepless nights

Haven’t slept much yday night and I thought I would b so super concussed that I would have a good night rest tonight. But as it turns out, I’m still wide awake. Going to cut down my caffeine from now on. Not sure if it’s because I drank too much coffee, or bcoz the teenager has flew, or it’s just uncle pig’s health that is bothering me. 

He’s going for his MRI coming Friday. The ENT specialist just wanna make sure that there isn’t any tumour in his ear causing the imbalance. Going to also do the brain to rule out early signs of stroke etc. Times like this are a reminder to us that health is the biggest asset in life. Being healthy is the best gift we can give to our family besides TIME. Praying that God protect this man from any serious illness and to grant wisdom to the doctors so that we be able to have the correct diagnosis soon! 

The teenager is on the plane with my mama. She begged/convinced/persuaded and charmed her into going Paris with her. It’s their first trip together without me. I hope they don’t end up killing each other. May they enjoy this bonding session and I also asked them to come home in one piece. There isn’t a need to get anything for anyone. Just enjoy the trip, eat lotsa good food and take lotsa pictures. 

I really should go back to zzz. Going to bring the twins for their Saturday class tomorrow and gotten need to wake up early for that. 

Going to cut down to 3 pumps from Monday onwards. It’s a bittersweet moment. I know I sound like a patient with dementia or Dory forgetting where his lines are; but pls be patient with me as I finish this last phrase. I know I will get over it and in time to come, laugh at the me now. I just need time to get over it. Yes I know and yes pls God help me.

Thankful for all the blessings He has provided for me and my family. God is in control. I must remember that. 

Giving Thanks

Something happened and made me very distracted. I thought I should list down 10 things that I'm thankful for in 2021, to remind myself how blessed I am.

1) Arrival of Joash

- This has to be one of the big events for me/us in 2021. God sending Joash to us, the little bundle of joy and his smiles. To be honest, Joash has been very good to us. He's an easy child, soft temperament and rarely cries. He loves his hugs and cuddles. His smiles melts my heart. How does someone so small, occupy such a big space in my heart and life? 

I never thought that I would get married at 25 and went on to have 4 beautiful children. If you were to ask me when I was in my early 20s, I wouldn't even be able to imagine getting married! So yeah, I'm thankful that God has given these people into my lives. My life is complete and full with them. 

2) My Soulmate, my BFF, my first Love

- I've said this a thousand times, and I will say another thousand times if needed. He completes me. He is the reason why I can focus 100% at work, why despite me NOT having a lot of common sense, is not malfunctioning.. hahaha.. and I thank God for sending him to me in my life. I just pray that his health would improve now that Joash is more settled down in his school. 

3) My girls reaction to the new addition

- After experiencing Joy's reaction when the twins arrived, I know that its not always that the bigger kids welcome the new addition. And I should not expect that either. So I'm thankful that the girls have been exceptional towards Joash. They have love him abundantly, and eagerly offering help (though it's not always helpful help..haha.. but I will take it!)

4) Joash & IFC

- So thankful that Joash went into his IFC easily. He sleeps and drinks well there, his teachers love him, and he loves going to his school. So super thankful. Coz this allows us to be able to rest, to spend time with the girls, and run some errands during the day time.

5) Work

- 2021 zoom past in a flash. The office texted me earlier to inform me that I've cleared TOT by end september.  Honestly, I don't remember working much after May. Things were so hectic, and I was always so lack of sleep. If you asked me how I did my TOT in 2020, I know how I did it. But 2021, I had no idea. I can only say its 100% by God's grace. His favour. And a lot of help from Joleen & love from my clients. 

6) Financial Freedom

- I'm thankful that we are comfortable. I can choose not to work if I want to. I can choose to take a slower pace, so that I can rest, and so that William can rest too. To say that I'm slowing down till end of the year sounds so wrong, because I don't even think I've started working much since May! But yes, I'm thankful that I have the luxury of choosing not to work, that I don't need to worry that the bills and cashflow go haywire. I enjoy very much my work still, just that having the freedom to choose is an extra bonus, for which I'm thankful for.

7) Residence

- I'm thankful that we manage to find this current rented place. The girls are happy that they have their own rooms, William is happy that the kitchen is finally big enough. There are times when I will still itchy backside go see if there's "better" units avail for rent, coz we got this place in a rush. As in, Minton lease hasn't even expired, and we already confirmed this! So we ended up paying both places for 4 mths. But it is what it is. There's no "what if.." 

- I just pray for God's wisdom to be upon me, so that we know if we should continue this renting arrangement or look for a house to stay permanently when this lease expires.

8) Staycations!

- The choos are going for 2 staycations in Nov and Dec! I'll see if I can book a cruise if possible. Since not going to work much for this quarter, then might as well make the best of it and enjoy these beautiful moments with the kids and family!

9) Car

- Thank God that we  gotten our car earlier this year. The COE has gone up by almost $20K in a couple of months! oh my god!

10) Health

- Thank God that the girls and I have good health. So does my parents. Praying that William's health be sorted out soon!

That's all for now. Thankful that I have so much. Going to get my lunch at minton coffeeshop.. one of the last few weeks before I ever come back here again.. hahaha.. 

Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete. - John 16:24

Happy 5th mths!

 

Happy 5 mths old my dear Joash ! I love your smile! 

At 5mths old, you have started to sleep for longer hours and on good days, you can zzz from 8pm-7am. I pray that we will see more of such good days happening. You love to show us yr newfound flipping skills and would keep flipping once we put u on yr playmat. 

Your all time favourite teether is still this Mushie ball despite mama having bought so many other cute ones to try. 

You are drinking on average abt 150ml per feed though there are some feeds where u like to drink in installments. You love going to yr infant care, for which I’m so thankful for. Coz your teachers say you drink and nap v well in school. Could we also get to see those skills when u r home too? 

Being the youngest in the family has its perks too. My mama has allowed me to sleep on her bed whenever I want to; watch TV with my sisters (even when I’m feeding) as well as being loved and doted by my 3 wonderful sisters. 

I love you my dear son and I pray that you will always be reminded of our love to you. I pray that we will have the patience and energy to guide you thru every step of ur learning journey and that you will grow up to be a man for God ! 

You are a gift from God and we pray that you will grow up to be a healthy and useful man for God. 

Flip prata

As expected, I started to flip prata again and wondered if extending my pump sessions was the right thing to do. Today was the first day when J had to drink FM during the day time. It’s not a big thing la, I know FM is equally nutritious. Just that it was an “argh” moment when the IFC called and ask if we had accidentally forgotten to bring a bottle lesser than usual. Hubs then told the sch to do FM when it wasn’t enough. 

I don’t know if I made the right choice or not bcoz I sound like a broken record. It’s tormenting me. And I was just telling J that I don’t know what I should do. To continue extending and eventually close the milk factory or just to go back to excessive pumps. 

And I tell u..she always gives the best advice and without judgement too. She says instead of doing the Chart, I should really focus on WHY I WANNA BF? Coz if I can find the WHY, I will be able to find the way to do it. Simple words, with wisdom. My 军事 for everything.. hahaha .. here goes : 

1) feeling of bonding / latching 

- I really enjoyed the times when I latched Grace. I can’t explain what it is, and why bottle feeding is different, but it is. Don’t get me wrong, we can still be very attached to our kids with bottle feeding. 

This time round, Joash didn’t latch as well. Especially now that he’s in ifc, the chances that he will latch is only the occasional motn and even that would always end up with both of us half asleep.. hahahah

2) “FAIR”

- I did it for the girls and I thought it would only b fair if I did it for Joash as well. 

3) BM nutrients are better ?

- it’s a ? bcoz Vera who drinks the least BM also happens to have the least number of doctor visits. Grace on the other hand, frequents kkh and the PD a lot more compared to her sisters.

4) Weight lost?

- again this doesn’t apply to my case. I didn’t lost much weight, be it for the twins or this time round. Any weight lost during Joy’s time came back with a vengeance once I stopped breastfeeding. So honestly, if weight lost is a keen thing, I should stop breastfeeding (so I wouldn’t emotional eat) and go for my cupping sessions. 

这样看起来, my why isn’t v strong leh.. hahahah.. chey.. why did I even wanna bf ? Lol.. and guilt trap myself .. hahahaha

Will just let J latch for the rest of this journey, but if he doesn’t wan I wouldn’t force. And I’ll just continue my extension la.. hahaha..