My precious me time

Enjoying my alone time while William took the young kids to 拜年 with his cousins. I am contemplating going to my moms place earlier but that would b at the expense of the precious moment now.. hahaha.. 

I defused an explosion of my own a while ago. Was feeling irked and feelings of unfairness brewing when William said he wanna bao $xxx to his cousins kids. It’s certainly not something I would do la, and as much as he feels that he’s close to his cousins, I feel that the feeling isn’t mutual la.. so yes, I have every right to qn why etc; but instead of going that route, I decided to just do it for him. It’s only once a year and I should honour the man who doesn’t expect me to attend his side of gatherings while insisting to always appear for mine (I gave him free will too!) . 

I’m happy that I choose to let go, and not b miserable and ruin everyone’s mood. I’m glad that I’m in control of my moods; coz I know the emo me could easily have gone either way. 

This is my resolution for the last few years. To b in better control of my mental, to live happily and to expect less. 

Thankful 

Easily triggered

Today the person is me. Could feel myself snapping at William since the morning. I don’t like change ; nor uncertainty nor the way his side of the family do certain things. It’s my own perceptions, I know. If I think bad, it’s bad. If I think the good of it, it’s good. Anyway not a saint today. 

The reunion lunch timing was shifted from 12 to 2pm two days before. 2pm is late lunch, and it means we need to eat breakfast then a light lunch then go over for the main lunch. 

William could spot my triggers today quite early in the game (thankfully); and has suggested me to stay in my room while the kids and mil is outside waiting for time to pass. So yes, the personal space is good. It is helping me recover from my explosive mode to neutral mode. 

We had yday leftovers as our light lunch and it helped comfort me too..

Reminder to self: the man visits my whole extended family every week and host them regularly. I only need to appear on a few big occasions for his side. So pls, buck me, Lena ! Late lunch also means it’s a shorter socialising gathering coz we need to leave by 4pm latest. 

Thankfulness

 

Waiting for my prospect to arrive. I’m an hr early. Coz I buffered too much time to say goodbye to the little baby. But as I told him “mama is going to work”, he nod his head and rush to the door. I told him that he’s going to help me press the lift before going home. He nod again. (Though I was still doubting how much he actually comprehend). I open the door for him, he ran out, pressed the lift and went back into the house and wave goodbye to me. 

I certainly didn’t expect the cheerful farewell. After all, his sisters are had their loud and dramatic way of saying goodbyes. To be honest, I was shocked and a little sad. But I guess this is good for all of us. This is day 2 of saying our goodbyes properly instead of hiding/ distracting him while I plan my escape route. 

Thankful for this little boy in our lives. He has helped me see more aspects of Vera than before. She is different and nothing like her two sisters. And I need to collect the bullets on her good days so that I can use them when the next explosion arises. 

Thankful that we are very much alive and healthy; thankful for family. Thankful that I have work today. Looking forward to cny.

“I love you, Lord, my strength. The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.”

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“I love you, Lord, my strength. The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭18‬:‭1‬-‭2‬ ‭NIV‬‬

https://bible.com/bible/111/psa.18.1-2.NIV

P/S: the prospect asked if I enjoyed my job, and I think I gave her too much honesty for a first appt. At this juncture, I don’t hate my job, but I’m not loving it passionately like when I first started. I probably should have asked her back, coz then it would put things in perspective. A lot of times, I think we put too much feelings / emotions into our work compared to salaried workers. 

Entering 2023

The last day of 2022 ended with a massive meltdown from Vera, like a volcano eruption that hasn’t happened for a long while. As much as I tried, it completely consumed both of us. Joash saw the whole episode and it left him in tears during it and throughout the whole night. 

I felt defeated. 

Defeated that I fell short in so many ways. That I lacked the wisdom and patience to dissect the bomb. I felt incompetent, that I wasn’t spending the last few days doing fun and memorable things with my kids. My social media feeds are flooded with mummies bringing their kids to here or there; showing how capable they are. But here I am, soaked with tears and wishing Thanos would snap me away. 

I wished God would take me away. I wished food could provide some comfort but it didn’t. Logged off my social media and archived some of the group chats coz it was just too much for me.

I know this too shall pass. And I’m a lot more than this. But at this juncture, it’s just HARD. Hard to remember that everyone is different. That for the areas that I aren’t good at, I should look at the areas I am. That I should love myself more and give myself more credit. 

Reflecting on 2022

Counting my blessings for 2022 and after listing them down, I’m just so thankful for everything that happened

1. God provided food on the table, despite how quiet work was for me. 

- not going to lie that 2022 wasn’t easy for my business. There were long seasons of droughts and I asked myself many many times if this was still the place God wants me to continue to be at; or if I should start planning for plan B. But God is faithful. He continued to provide for us, gave me strength and comfort. 

2. God provided shelter 

- we finally managed to sell our houses and bought a place. Never expected to be able to find a suitable home so quickly but we are thankful. The kids are looking forward to the new place, William is thankful that we no longer need to live like nomads. I’m just thankful that I no longer need to pay taxes on rent. Hahahaha 

3. Thank God that we are all alive and healthy

- despite William health issues early part of the yr and it giving me much anxieties, I’m thankful that we have sorted it out. Will be thankful for each day that we are alive. Don’t know when / who will be called, but we will trust that He knows what’s best for us. Learning to always trust in Him.

4. Covid

- we survived Covid! Recovered from it, and there’s certainly a lot to look forward to now that this has passed.

5. Vera 

- thankful that my r/S with her has improved by a lot. I’m better at understanding her struggles, her non verbal cues nowadays. She definitely has also stepped up as a reliable big sister for Joash. In fact, it’s bcoz of her childishness/child likeness that she’s often the person who plays a lot of fun games with Joash. 

6. Surviving Joash sleep regressions

- I honestly forgot how bad his sleep was, until I went to re-look my entries. I’ve forgotten the motn car rides; the “起来一百次” happenings for his sleeps.. lol.. did all this really happen in 2022?

7. Weight 

- I lost 7kg this yr.. hahaha.. not as much as I targeted but I am thankful for it. Thankful that I still manage to lose some weight despite the emotional eatings happening so frequently.

Finally back from all the holidays and back to back gatherings. Seriously I’m exhuasted. Have hit the social capacity for the month and I’m just so thankful that there isn’t any upcoming ones in sight. 

Tried to start kickstarting my work engine but it’s so hard. Everyone on my list seems to be one that I’ve just met recently; or is one that I don’t feel like meeting 🙊

It’s so hard and it seems to only get harder. J reminded me that we can only pray and ask God to lead the way. So thankful for her; that when everything seems so hard, she’s always my cheerleader (even though she too is struggling)

Praying that God guides us in our work; strengthen us when we are weak; and remind us that He is with us in every step of the journey. 

 “Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.”

‭‭Hebrews‬ ‭10‬:‭23‬ ‭NIV‬‬

https://bible.com/bible/111/heb.10.23.NIV

Emo

I forgot what was the trigger but I remember questioning myself recently why I even prayed for another kid. Why did I make myself restart the whole cycle again? Aren’t my hands tied w work; the girls and cumbersome relatives?

Was just speaking to a friend yesterday that as I see all my friends with their kids growing up, and I look at this little fellow, I ask myself.. why? 哪来的勇气？I’m the earliest among my friends to have kids, and slowly slowly I see them entering parenthood and graduating.. and I’m still in this game of diapers/night feeding/ zoo / hfmd cycle.. #rant

But there are days where seeing him, I thank God for sending him to us, sending to our noisy family. His eyes lit up so brightly whenever he sees me. No agenda, not complicated. His world is simple. Tonight is one of the nights where I’m thankful and honoured to be able to still make him zzz.. where even though he doesn’t quite know how to speak, his intentions are clear. I love babies. They are a joy. Sometimes I wished they remain at this stage. But sometimes I wish they faster zip to a more advance stage. God, only You know what’s best for us; yr plans will always be better than mine. And as much as I don’t understand, I only need remember this. 

“Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!”

‭‭Philippians‬ ‭4‬:‭4‬ ‭NIV‬‬