On Faith

During my 2ww, I did feel lost, and afraid. Maybe it was due to the long days of having nothing much to do.. especially as the blood test came nearer, feelings of potential disapointment crept in. Uncle Pig found an article for me to read, which I thought would be nice to share it here...

On Faith
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Phyllis, a patient who had an extensive pancreatic cancer that was no longer responding to treatment, went home to die. Several months later she returned to the office. One of my partners examined her. He opened the door of the examining room, and called me: " Hey, Bernie, you're interested in this stuff."

I came in and he said, "Her cancer is gone."
"Phyllis," I said, " tell them what happened."
She said, " Oh, you know what happened."
" I know that I know, " I said, "but I'd like the others to know."
Phyllis replied, " I decided to live to be a hundred and leave my troubles to God."

Peace of mind can heal anything. I believe faith is the essence, a simple solution, yet too hard for most people to practice.

Now I felt I had a dilemma: If God's love could cure people, I wondered, why should I remain a surgeon? So I returned to him and said, "God, you know one of my patients got well leaving her troubles to you. Why should I remain a surgeon? Why not just teach people to love?"

And God in his beautiful sweet, melodious voice said to me, " Bernie, render unto the surgeon what is the surgeon's and render unto God what is God's" (I find that God does that a lot - speaks in parables and leaves you totally confused.) Since then I've come to understand that God and I both have a role in getting people well.

Let me illustrate what I mean with an old story I've adapted.

A man with cancer is told by his primary physician he'll be dead in an hour. He runs to the window, looks up at the sky, and says " God, save me." Out of the blue comes that wonderful melodious voice saying, "DOn't worry, my son. I will save you." The man climbs back into bed, feeling reassured.

His physician calls me and I walk in and say, "If I operate in an hour, I can save you"

"No thanks, " says the man, "God will save me."

Then the oncologist, a radiation therapist and a nuritional therapist all tell him, "we can save you"

" I dont need you, God will save me," is his reply to all of them.

In an hour, the man dies. When he gets to heaven, he walks up to God and says, "what happened? u said you'd save me, and here i am dead."

" you dumbbell. I did try to save you. i sent u a surgeon, an oncologist, a radiation therapist and a nutritional therapist."

-- Adapted from Chicken Soup for the Surviving Soul , by Bernie S. Siegel

Blood test part 2

Did my 2nd blood test today n gynae juz called to reconfirm tat everything is in order n based on the level of my Hcg, most likely we are expecting a singleton! Which is quite a gd thing on it's own, considering tat we'll be able to take the hospital ward package, dont need to change a car, pay double of infant care fees, n me forcing uncle pig to quit his biz.. Haha.. So okie la.. Although I thought it would b nice to hv twins, the financial n non-financial commitment will b much harder for us to cope. So I guess God knows what's best for us coz after uncle pig went thru the sums w me y'day , I did a short prayer to God asking him to give us the no. Of kids He think ww could cope comfortably.

Right now, I'm juz simply grateful for all He has done n looking so forward to getting all the things ready when bb arrives! I'm officially pregnant! Yeah!

P/s: I also did a calculation of the total cost for our IVF n I'm happy to say tat the total is less than $14k, minus the $6k u can deduct fr Yr medisave, effectively we spent abt $8k cash in total.. Not too bad considering tat it's fr a private clinic. thank God again for keeping the cost low..

Feelings after >12 hrs

After > 12 hrs of receiving the news, I think both uncle pig n I had trouble falling asleep.. Looking at his FB posting he only zz abt 3am while I woke up suddenly at 330am, simply amazed by wat God has done for us, n super excited to receive our new family member (s) in 9 mths time! 

But before he/she/them come, there r still a few hurdles to clear.. The coming blood test on sat (yes, again! Haiz) to make sure everything is in order, the 6th week scan in 2 weeks time to make sure we hear the heartbeat(s) , and the viability tat the foetus can make it to full term. These are still the many hurdles we need to clear, and I was pretty pissed w uncle pig for his FB posting n declaring it to the whole world. Had really wanted to wait till we cleared the major hurdles before we tell our friends. But I guess he was too excited abt it n his friends were too smart to capture the subtle post.. 

How amazing tat in a span of 4yrs, my attitude towards pregnancy would change so much. When I was preg w joy then, I was filled w resentment, n thought tat it was too early for us to accept another member in the family. I was emo n sad at every stage of my pregnancy - fearful if I had the ability n heart to take care of the little one, sad tt I had to go thru some morning sickness, n feeling tired all the time. I was not aware of what's going to happen to me then. Fast forward n now, it's all feelings of gratefulness, excitement. I'm thankful tat God decide to give us another chance, to love n care for someone else. The timing in His own ways couldn't be any more perfect. We r more ready now, and I know I wanted it too. Uncle pig was so excited tt he started to shortlist names in the afternoon. Talk abt being excited! Haha.. Looking forward to my full blown morning sickness, my first scan, shopping for the little one(s), redecorating the nursery,the first kick(s), changing to more comfy shoes, n many many more!

Lord, we thank you for what U have given to us, and I pray that u continue to protect the foetus in my womb, so that they will continue to grow n develop to full term. Lord, I pray for a gd result for this sat blood test n I pray for Yr divine protection thru this 9mths.  - Amen

The Day....

Gynae juz called.. It's positive! Praise the Lord! Thank u for praying for me! Cried juz now when I received the news. Can't imagine this happening.. Need to do another blood test on sat thou to make sure everything's okie.. Right now I can't breathe at all.. So excited happy! Even asked gynae a dumb qn juz now if he knows it's one or two n uncle pig says tat not impt at all.. Thank you God for answering to our prayers!
Pray tat the baby (s) continue to grow n develop.. Thank you!

Counting down to the last 3 days..

It seem so long but finally everything is coming to an end. In another 3 more days, I will be going to the gynae again for my last ever (I hope) blood test to check on the result. It's as though going for a school examination to know if you have passed it n thus able to move to the next stage or if u have failed n need to discuss the next best way to move on..

To sum it up, the whole journey has been pretty pleasant.. There weren't the horrid side effects tt I've heard, or the emo rollercoasters tt I was afraid abt, or the super painful injections tt come w blue blacks n bruises.. I am thankful tat God protected me from all of those.. Wat I did experienced were a little bit more bloatedness during the 2ww, which was kinda weird coz I Thot the bloatedness shld hv come during the stimulation stage n not now when there's only 2 of them (hopefully) in me.. But the discomfort did cause a small alarm to me.. When I started to feel breathless after a flight of stairs, or when I can't lie down to zz coz I can't breathe. I've learnt to adjust my body n take things really SLOWLY..

But looking at the whole thing, it really is quite okie.. N if I were to choose again, I would still do it..
Would my answer be the same if I knew the result? Yes. I've tried my best, the ways I know to conceive, and if the end result is still the same, I will accept it. It's juz like taking the exam even if you know you only had a limited resources, but you will still sit it, try Yr best n let Him do the rest.

During this period, I've seen also, how Joy grown, to be a mature young adult, and let mummy rest whenever possible. She no longer demands me to go to school with her in the mornings, and she's okie if I stay at home for the whole day, and she even told my mom recently that "we can't go USS now coz mummy can't walk now and need plenty of rest". This warms my heart. God, sometimes when I see her and Uncle Pig, I stand in awe of the blessings you have given them to me! Without them, I'm sure the whole IVF journey would be completely different, and right now, I'm so thankful for these 2 sweet souls in my life. Thank you Lord!

I also pray right now for God to grant us the desire in our hearts n I hope that our friends can pray together for us. I know a couple of u guys have been with us thru the whole journey.. N I'm grateful to all of you.. But I hope that no one ask us now.. let us take our time to keep you updated coz kinda feeling the stress when more n more pple ask.. Nevertheless thank you for Yr love and care showered on us thru this while!

2ww

2ww - 2 week wait, where there's nothing much to do, except to wait.. wait to see if the embies managed to attached itself properly, and grow. Of course, I still need to have some medication, but they are mostly tablets, and not injections. It just seem yesterday that I made this impulsive suggestion to Uncle Pig about doing IVF, and right now, we are almost at the end of the cycle. Before the start of the cycle, I was afraid, fearful of how things would turn out, and how would I survive the whole of the journey. But right now, I'm thankful that I went thru it.It really wasn't that hard after all, I mean seriously.. I had thought that it would be ten times more difficult, but I'm glad that I've tried, and God was with us when we went thru this cycle. I know things could only be so easy and smooth sailing, because He was with us all along. And now I need to leave it to God. In his own ways that I might or might not understand, I know He will always want the best for me. - Amen

p/s: trying to rest as much as I can right now and trying to cover my time at home... bored..yes, i'm starting to feel bored...haha

ET (Embryo Transfer) on 1st Sept

After the procedure on mon, gynae called and informed me that there were 7 eggs retrieved from the 8 follicles scanned, which was a huge relief. I had expected a lot lesser, but I'm thankful for the 7 eggs that God has blessed us. Further later, out of the 7 eggs retrieved, 5 managed to be fertilised! Praise the Lord! This is definitely something that I had not expected. I was still jokingly telling Uncle Pig that we might not even have to go to the ET stage coz I didnt think any of the 7 would be fertilised. (Coz I've heard of people who had >10 eggs and yet only 1-2 eggs were fertilized and made it back to the ET stage).  At that moment, I just prayed that God will see us through it all, and regardless if there were 1, 2 or 0 eggs to be transferred, I will leave it to the Lord. It's something that's not in my control but in His control. And when the gynae called to tell me the results and that we are gonna do the ET on thur, I was pleasantly surprised. And I know that all these were only possible because of Him.

Anyway, so we went for the ET on thur. It was much easier and less painful than on Monday. However, what was unpleasant was that I was required to be on complete bed rest till end of the day. So it was pretty inconvenient, cause it also meant peeing on the hospital bed. Yes, peeing on the "pee pan", as explained by the nurse. Although I empited my bladder immediately after the procedure (cause the gynae requested for a FULL bladder at the start of the procedure, so that its easier to transfer the embies properly), I still resorted to using the pee pan, TWICE! Yes, twice.. no choice... coz really drank too much at the start..haha.. it was pretty inconvenient, but the nice nurses at Gleneagles, help to make it less discomfort. =)